My Brother's Fiance
by Shaylagirl
Summary: Dean Winchester reluctantly returns home for his brothers wedding. The only problem is that his brothers fiance is Deans ex-fiance. Will he be able to hide his true feelings from the woman he loves or will his family fall apart?
1. Author's Note

******_Author's note_**

_**Things to know before reading...**  
Dean Winchester was born in Lawrence, Kansas. When his father left his mother, Mary moved him and his brother Derek (not Sam) to Tree Hill, North Carolina, where she was born. This means that he never started hunting, he's just a regular Joe. His mother and grandfather were never hunters either so this means that they are alive and well. Let's just say that no one is a hunter, okay?  
__  
Penelope Davis (In fact Brooke but I just really love the name Penelope) is who she is but she never went to New York and became that big fashion designer, she still lives in Tree Hill._

_This is an idea that I borrowed from sopinkprincess on youtube. Be sure to check out the Tree three-part Movie "My Brother's Fiancé" that Billy made, since it's amazing and my inspiration for this fanfic. I'm a huge fan! Anyway... here goes nothing..._


	2. Crash into me

**Crash into me.**

He woke up sitting in his car by the side of the road. He checked his wristwatch for the time. 5 am. He hadn't been up this early in years, but since a few days ago he couldn't sleep almost at all. He was on his way from Buffalo back home, not more than two days of driving left.  
Outside the first rays of sun started to appear trying to relieve the ground of it's cover of mist. He got out of his car, stretching his back. He watched the sunrise for a few minutes and then got back into his car. His eyes looked back at him from the rear view mirror and he realized how much older he had gotten in just a few days. Dark circles around his eyes revealed his misery.

What would he do when he got back home? His old job was there for him, that much he knew, and he could work there for two months before getting back out on the road. Some might say that his life was not a life. But this was the life that he had lived for several years now and he liked it. He liked that his life didn't keep him tied down to anything or anyone. He liked that one day weren't the other alike. He knew that his life could have turned out in a different way but that wasn't anything to think about anymore. If only the memories weren't so relentless.

Looking into the mirror every morning was difficult. He knew that his appearance wasn't what it should be and not what it had been but he didn't care anymore. He didn't have to care anymore. He stopped caring three years ago when she left. Loving her was the one thing that kept him over the surface and with her gone he was drowning. The reason for her leaving had been a mystery for him these past years. He didn't know the reason and didn't think he ever would.  
He had a job back then that he loved and that he did well. It didn't pay much but it was honest money. Now his life was made up of some odd jobs during his drive back and fourth across the continent. He never put any roots down and as soon as anything started to feel familiar to him he left, often the very same day. Friends he had, lovers he had. But that one love he would never forget and would never leave behind, at least not in his memory, was the same.  
He could sometimes catch himself thinking of greenish hazel eyes, a beautiful dimpled smile and he would get chills running down his spine. Every time that happened he sped up his car and turned up his music. Escaping from his hometown had been the easy part, escaping from his memories seemed impossible.

He had burned everything that reminded him of her. Every photo, every piece of clothing and even that necklace she bought him that night during the fare. He had loved that necklace but wearing it around his neck it felt like it pulled him down, held him down under the surface. The only thing that escaped the ruthlessness of the fire was his darling car and the picture of them together on the beach that day. It was the happiest day of his life and burning the memory of that day was impossible for him. That was the day that they got engaged. In the sand on the beach he had put down a blanket and a picnic basket. She laughed when she saw it, that giggle he loved, that always seemed to come out when she was really happy. He proposed to her right there, in the red glow of the sunset.  
He could still hear her reply; "_Yes... of course yes! And just so you know... this weekend_ _is so gonna pay off for_ _you._" They made love right there in the sand with the sunset accompanying them and her naked body warming his. He smiled thinking about it even though he knew that it was useless, she was happy now. With him.

They had always had one of those relationships that people were jealous of. With only one year between them they were as close as they could possibly be. These days they didn't speak. Sometimes he thought that it was a joke, the reason for them not talking. He couldn't even call him by his real name anymore. To him, that guy would always be a backstabbing jerk. If he never had to talk to him again that would be fine. The things he would do to him if he ever had the chance. Beating him into a pulp was something he fantasized about but beating the crap out of his own brother was somewhat frowned upon. Especially by their mother.  
That phone call had caught him by surprise. Phone calls with his mother were few and far between and when she called him several times in one day he knew that something had happened. When she told him he only wanted to scream. His life fell apart and in his gut he knew that all hope was gone. She was going to marry him. His own brother. His own flesh and blood. He couldn't believe that his brother had betrayed him in such a manner. Wasn't there some sort of code between brothers? If not, there certainly should be.

The very same moment he promised his mother that he would come back home for the preparations of the wedding he regretted it but he had always played the part well and he would keep playing his part. No one knew of the feelings he still had for her, no one knew of the tears he shed almost daily for her and he was determined to keep it that way. He had made a promise to his mother, with every second he regretted it and steering the car towards his hometown, for every mile, the pit in his stomach only grew bigger. But he was a man of his word. His mother wanted him there and so it should be. He would keep his feelings bottled up and after the wedding he would leave again. Living in the same town as them for two months wouldn't be easy, he knew this, but he was determined to make it.

The scenery outside his car window was beautiful. If it hadn't been for that faithful night he never would have left. He missed everything about his hometown. The sunsets, the smell of the ocean, the old friends. He had taken the back roads on his way home. America wasn't supposed to be seen from highways or airports, only the back roads showed the country's real spirit and life. He passed by a house, a woman hanging her laundry, a dog barking and kids playing. This was the real America and he loved it. His camera, now worn from being dragged from one place to another was his constant companion. Once every two months he rented a darkroom and developed every picture he had taken. Most of them he threw in the trash but some of them were, according to his high standards, pretty good. Sometimes he even toyed with the idea of sending his pictures to someone. Sometimes he even dreamed of getting them published.  
She had always been supportive of his dreams. They died in the same moment their relationship did. It had taken about a year and a half before he even looked at the camera again. One day in Texas, he had gotten a job at a cattle ranch, he saw a cowboy roping a steer and marking it. The scenes that played out before him made him miss his camera. He knew that a moment had passed him by and from that moment on he didn't go anywhere without it. When behind his camera, looking through the lens, was the only times he almost didn't think of her. How could someone occupy your mind every moment of every day? Apparently it wasn't impossible.

Penny. He had never called her by her real name, Penelope. That ravishing creature that he had seen that day had haunted him until he had worked up the guts to ask her out. Their first date was amazing. They walked on the beach hand in hand, talking for hours. His body could still feel how she got up close to him and stole her first kiss.  
Now she was haunting him again. Funny how life works._ "_Yeah, really funny," he said to himself sarcastically. Another day of driving was coming to an end and the sunset had turned into a small sliver of red on the horizon. He decided to stop for the night when he saw a motel with the vacancy-sign lit.

As he stepped into the room he relaxed. Throwing his bag on the bed and instantly walking towards the bathroom. A shower. That was all he needed to wash away every memory that had been haunting him on this day's drive. The warm water washing over his body did good but washing away the memories? Who was he kidding? If it hadn't worked the first three years, why would it work now?  
He wrapped a towel around him as he stepped out of the shower and rubbed the mist from the mirror. Who was that man staring back at him in the mirror? Did he really look like that now? His hair was long and unruly, his beard so long it would make his mother cry if she saw him. Being only one day away now he knew that he had to do something about his appearance. At least enough to make his mother let him through the front door. His eyes had dark circles under them, probably from the exhausting drive for several days. Or did he always look like that? Had he been looking like that ever since the day she left?  
He went to bed only to be tossing and turning for the next two hours. When he finally fell asleep he dreamed of greenish hazel eyes and dark hair. Her laugh used to fill every dream and sometimes he woke up in a sweat from that nightmare he relived over and over again.

He woke up with the sun shining on his face. It was a beautiful morning and would become a beautiful day. If it hadn't been for the fact that he would reach his hometown today life would be good. The pit in his stomach had not settled over night and he felt queasy. Penny had always had this effect on him. She affected him physically but back then it would be in a good way. Now, he just felt sick. Sick and nervous. He got dressed slowly to prolong the inevitable. He wished he didn't have to go. He wished he had the strength to tell his mother no when she asked him to come home.  
He packed his belongings, left the key at the front desk and started walking towards his car. It reminded him of Penny but it was his darling and blocking out the memories of her in that car hadn't been easy. But he was getting better concerning that. The car did need a good cleaning after the long drive but underneath the dirt he knew there was a diamond. He had bought it on his twenty third birthday together with Penny. He had saved up all his money for years to be able to buy his dream car. A Chevy Impala -67.  
The car had been a wreck when he bought it but he started fixing it up and one year later he took the car out for it's first spin. Penny was laughing at him the whole drive. She made fun of his boyish smiles and laughter. Sometimes he could still see her sitting there in the passenger seat, laughing. Now he was on his way back to all those memories he ran away from. Back to North Carolina.

His love for cars was the only thing he accepted that he had gotten from his father. The love for the Chevy came from the fact that his father had the exact same car when he was a kid. The wasn't something he ever thought about or even acknowledged. When he was ten years old his father had left his mother and her two boys to make it on their own. No one knew where he went or why and after that moment he made a pact with himself that he would never think of his father. He was gone, probably never coming back to show his face again and that was fine with everyone.  
His biggest fear had always been to turn out just like his father. He could never respect a man that left everything behind. Sometimes he thought that he was growing more and more like him with every day. It had been probably the worst two months of his life after his father left. The father he looked up to and adored vanished and with that his admiration and respect.  
He knew that he had broken his mother's heart when he left. He knew that he made her relive his fathers leaving when he left town. But even with that in mind he couldn't stay. He needed to get closure, just like she said he should get, and it was impossible for him to get that there. So he left, with his broken heart in his pocket and his mother begging him to stay.

He stopped at the first barbershop he saw cutting his hair and getting a shave. He knew that it was necessary even though he just did it for his mothers sake. The old man that attended to him started talking but his ongoing chatter couldn't help his growing nervousness.  
"_So son, where are you heading?_" He looked at him from behind his back through the mirror.  
"_Tree Hill._" He cleared his throat. "_Going back home for my brothers wedding._"  
"_That's nice. There's nothing like a wedding to pull a family together_" the man said smiling. Or in my case; there's nothing like a wedding to destroy a family, he thought.  
"_Yeah. It'll probably be a really nice day for them_" he said smiling a fake smile towards the old man. The man looked at him like he knew that something wasn't quite right but said nothing. Instead he asked where he was coming from, what he had done there and what he wanted out of his life.  
"_I'm happy with my life. I live it the way I want, traveling the country, meeting new people and experiencing new things every day._"  
"_That sounds nice, although I think that a life like that can become your worst nightmare in the end. You need to put down roots somewhere, son. It can be rather nice to meet a girl, raise a family, being a family man._" When the old man saw the sad expression on his face he quickly added; "_But that's not for everyone I guess. Some men don't need roots._"

It was amazing, even though he did everything he could to hide his emotions this old man seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. He looked at him, almost looking through him, somehow knowing everything. He got up out of the stool, payed and were about to walk out of the shop when he stopped, turned around and said;  
"_My brother is marrying my ex-fiancé._" For some reason he needed for the man to know why his brothers wedding made him sick to his stomach.  
"_Then I have to say that you are a very big and remarkable man, going back home under those circumstances. Much bigger man than I would have been,_" he said with a smile. He shook the barbers hand, giving him a nod and walked out the door. He realized while on the sidewalk walking to his car that he had been the most honest in years with a man he didn't even know. Somehow it felt good to tell someone of the heartache that he had been living with for three years. He got in his car, starting it up and realized that this was it. Soon he would be back in Tree Hill, the one place he promised himself that he would never step his foot in again. The pit of angst started growing again.

Closing in on his final destination he started getting panicked. He tried to do anything to keep himself occupied but nothing worked. For every yard that pit just kept growing bigger. Memories were flashing before his eyes and soon he could not see anything except her amazing, beautiful face. He could see the way she smiled at him on their first date. He could see her joy as he asked her to marry him. He could see her expression as she told him it was over.  
The crash was instant; he didn't even see the truck he crashed into. The car looked more like an accordion than the car it was supposed to look like. Blood seeping from wounds on his head and body. He passed out with the rays of sun dancing on his face with only one thought on his mind.

Penny.


	3. Have a piece of broken heart

**Have a piece of broken heart.**

He woke up at first not knowing where he was. A nurse came quickly to his side.  
"_It's okay Mr. Winchester. You were in a accident, you're in the hospital. You remember?_" Her voice calmed him.  
"_I feel like I have been hit by a truck_" he mumbled. She giggled a little.  
"_Well, that's exactly what happened actually. You were hit by a truck._" He tried to smile but every movement was painful. "_Well Mr. Winchester, you will be glad to know that you will make a full recovery. You were very lucky, cuts and bruises mostly. You did get a concussion but it's not that serious so you can go home tomorrow. The Doctor wanted you to stay over night just in case._" He found it funny to be called Mr. He couldn't remember anyone ever saying that to him.  
"_Please, call me Dean._" She smiled at him and said;  
"_Okay then... Dean." __It was almost like she was trying it out. __"I'm Carrie. If there is anything you need just push the button. I'm going to get your family now. They have been frantic._" She smiled again and walked out the door, passing out of sight. My family, he thought. There were only two people he considered his family these days, his mother and grandmother. His father was gone. The brother he once loved had betrayed him. His mother and her mother was his only family now.

His body hurt all over and he was almost scared of sitting up. Painfully he shifted his body to a sitting position and looked around the room. On a table by the window a vase stood filled with sunflowers. She had been there. She was the only one who would get him sunflowers. She was the only one who knew that he loved them. When had she been there? Was Derek with her when she came? Questions popped up in his head that he couldn't answer. For the first time he felt that he needed to see her. Before he didn't want to face her but now a glimmer of hope was lit in his heart. Just as fast, it went dark. The flowers weren't for him. He realized that he was in a two-bed room and the flowers were for someone else in that room.  
He had been kidding himself yet again. Why would she even come to visit him in the hospital? He had come back here for her wedding, to his brother. There was no point in hoping, she wasn't his anymore. He blinked the tears away and tried to collect himself before his storm of a mother came crashing through the door.

"_Dean!_" His mother screamed when she saw that he was okay. "_I have been worried sick about you. What the hell_ _Dean?! Are you trying to kill your mother?! _" When she was upset or scared she yelled. She was always so calm but when something threatened her boys she became a lioness.  
"_I'm sorry mom. I didn't mean to scare you. Lost control of the car that's all._" He wasn't about to tell her that he didn't even see where he was going because of Penny's face flashing before his eyes. His mother, Mary, looked at him with concerning eyes. She could see that there was something that he wasn't telling her but she knew when to push and when not to. Her son was lying in a hospital bed, this wasn't the time.  
"_So, are you excited about coming home?_" She asked with a smile, at the same time looking over all of his cuts.  
"_Of course mom. I've missed you... and your food._" She started laughing.  
"_Well, I see that there is nothing wrong with your appetite. I bet you are gonna eat me out of my own house while visiting._" He smiled and pulled his mother into a hug even though it was truly painful. She stroked his hair while hugging him.  
"_I am really happy you're back home. I've missed you a lot you know that?_ " She paused. "_I'm glad you cut your hair at least_" she said with a smile and ruffled his light brown hair. He watched his mother as she started pacing around the room adjusting everything she could. She was a beautiful woman, looking much younger than her 49 years. She showed no signs of raising two boys on her own, while running her own inn. Nowadays he appreciated his mother more than he did back then. She was the glue of their family.

"_So... Excited about going home today?_" Carrie popped her head in the door. He smiled and nodded, it felt like it was the only thing he could do. She checked the cuts on his face and then sat down beside him.  
"_Do you live in Tree Hill?_" She was beautiful he thought. Blond long hair, blue eyes and a presence that could not be denied. She could have been one of those girls if he was still on the road.  
"_No. I live... well, I pretty much live all over the country. I work where and when I want, I move around and I love it._" She smiled at him and he couldn't see any of those thoughts that he could see in other people's eyes when he told them. She seemed to think that it was exciting, almost like an adventure.  
"_That sounds amazing_" she said with a far off look in her eyes. Then she turned to him. "_So why are you going home?_"  
"_Just going back home for my brothers wedding._" The word "wedding" killed him once again but she never noticed. She smiled like he had noticed that almost every women smiled when a wedding came up.  
"_I'm a sucker for weddings,_" she said laughing almost nervously. They sat there taking, joking and laughing for about thirty minutes and he hadn't even noticed that his mother had walked through the door. When he realized she was there and what the time was he was amazed. No woman had been able to get him to drop his guard like that in years. No woman had been able to take his mind off Penny except this one. It felt nice in a way.

"_I have a room for you at the inn. You got the biggest one, right next to mine._" She helped him put his brown leather jacket on. He was still sore after his crash and it took some effort to hide his pain from his mother. He didn't want her to worry even more that she already did.  
"_That's fine mom._" His panic had shown it's ugly head again now that he was on his way home again. All he wanted to do was get in his car and drive as fast as he could in the other direction. Then he realized that he probably didn't have much of a car left.  
"_My car..._" She paused her packing and looked at him. She knew how much he loved that car. She sometimes thought that he loved it that much because it reminded him of Penelope.  
"_I'm sorry sweetie. There's not much left but your uncle Carl has towed it back to his shop. You can take a look at it tomorrow. Now, you're coming home with me. I have a surprise for you._" He didn't like surprises, actually he hated them but his mother seemed excited and all he could do at this point was to tag along. His mother rolled him out of the hospital in a wheelchair, on the parking lot he got up and walked the few feet to his mothers car. He got in with great effort and his mother started the hour long drive. It felt like a five minute drive. He wasn't ready for this. But at least he would get to meet them on his terms. In a few days he would do what was expected of him and pay them a visit. For now, he just wanted to sleep. The moment his mother pulled into the inn's driveway he knew that his plan had failed. Hanging from the front porch of the big yellow house, a big banner welcoming him back. He knew that this was his mothers surprise. She had gathered up everyone he ever had known in town and put them in that house. With great effort he got out of the car. As soon as his feet his the gravel he froze. Nausea hit him. He could feel his mothers gaze upon him. He lied and said;  
"_It's nice to be home mom._" He put his arm around his mothers shoulders and they started their climb up the porch stairs. He was home again, and it killed him.

His nausea flew away the moment his mother opened the door. Everywhere there were people he once knew and still loved. Everyone smiled at him, some concerned but everyone happy. He knew that he looked beat up after his accident and that people were worried about him.  
"_Hey guys... I know I look like crap but I'm fine. Just needed to get some attention coming back into town._" Everyone laughed. Maybe it was working, he thought. Maybe people wouldn't notice that he was dying inside. People started coming up to him, asking how he'd been and where he had been. Their questions made him tired but keeping up appearances were important, he knew this. He spent forever, it seemed, answering questions, shaking hands and smiling at people.  
He tried to mentally prepare for the moment he would met them but he knew that whenever he would see them it would be to early. He didn't want to be there, he didn't want to meet them and he definitely didn't want to see her again. He realized though that whatever he did he had to met them so he continued to shake people's hands and kept up the appearance of "everything´s fine".  
Someone placed a hand on his shoulder and he turned around slowly, scared of who might be behind his back. As he saw who it was he relaxed and smiled with earnest. In front of him stood one of his best friends since his high school days. Sam Forrester was the only person except for his mother and grandmother that he had kept in touch with all these years. He knew almost everything about Dean, the most private thoughts and feelings only Penny got to know and when she left he kept those feelings bottled up, not sharing them with anyone. They fell into a hug and everything felt as old times the moment he saw Sam. They found a quiet corner of the room and talked about everything, well almost everything.

Mary was running around serving everyone there food that would last for at least a year. She was somehow constantly by his side offering him food.  
"_Have another piece of chicken._" Not a question but an order almost. The plate he held in his hands were never empty. As he looked around the room he could see everyone smiling and laughing.  
He had almost forgotten about them when they walked through the door. The moment he saw her his heart broke into a million pieces and he wished that he had another three years to prepare for this encounter. It looked like he didn't even have three seconds.

It felt like he couldn't move when Derek and Penny walked up to him, but somehow he got up from the sofa he shared with Sam and hugged his brother awkwardly, not knowing what to say. It had taken him three years before he could just barely breath again and now here he was, staring at the floor like an idiot to avoid her eyes. The memories came crashing down on him once again and he felt weak. They stood there for a little while in silence. He realized that it was probably like a few seconds but it felt like hours. Dean staring down on the floor with his hands in his pockets and Penny fidgeting with her purse. Derek saw an old friend and soon disappeared into the periphery.  
"_Dean..._" Penny locked her eyes on him. She looked so serious now, not like the woman he used to know. "_Really glad your okay._" She smiled that little half smile she had that he remembered so well. She was nervous. He didn't know what to say. What do you say to the woman that broke your heart? All he knew was that now that he had met her again he wanted her more than ever. They stood face to face, sharing the same pained expression. Dean trying not to break down and cry in front everyone and Penny trying to fight the wave of guilt that washed over her as she met him.  
"_Unbelievable._" Derek looked at their shared expression and then turned away and walked out the door. Penny watched as her fiancé left and turned her eyes on Dean who turned his attention to the floor again. Penny took a step closer to Dean and touched his arm. Her touch made him weak. He was never going to be able to do this if she was about to touch him.  
"_Welcome home D._" Her little nickname for him made him want to die and he watched her as she walked out the same way that Derek had left. Once again she walked out on him, leaving him broken hearted.

"_Well, well, well... What do you think about that my dear?_" Mary's mother, Deanna, walked over to her as she was watching Dean.  
"_Do you think we have a love triangle on our hands mom? They are getting married in two months and I believe that Dean never got over Penelope._" Mary were putting out more food for the masses.  
"_I don't know my dear. Maybe we do, maybe we don't. We'll just have to wait and see I guess. I am gonna go take care of my darling grandson, you feed the hungry_" she said with a smile and then she walked up to Dean, slowly as to make him collect himself after his encounter with Penelope. She kissed his cheek and took a hold of his arm.  
"_How about we take a little walk Grandma?_" She smiled, nodded and they walked towards the back door.

Penny closed the door behind her and slowly walked the few feet to her fiancées car. She needed to collect herself. She knew that it was going to be awkward and difficult the first time she saw Dean but it had to be done. He looked so small somehow, almost like he had shrunk. She had remembered him as this big, muscular man but now that she met him after three years it was a completely different man. Maybe her memories deceived her or maybe life had been hard on him these last few years? Who was she kidding? It was the accident. It had to be the accident that did that to him. She refused to think that she had any part in his appearance, she refused to think that her leaving him all those years ago made him shrink like that.

She remembered when Mary had called them yesterday to tell them about Deans accident she got scared. It wasn't not that she loved him anymore but she didn't want to see him hurt. He was about to become family, he had already been her family at one point in her life and of course she cared for him. She cared for him like a woman is supposed to care for her brother-in-law.  
Penny opened the door and got comfortable in the passenger seat. Derek sat next to her with his hands on the steering wheel gripping it tightly. His knuckles was turning white.  
"_Are you mad?_" Penny knew the answer already but she had to get this out of the way now so that they could get back to their life.  
"_It couldn't be more obvious!_" She knew what he was talking about. Their whole relationship had always somewhat been about overcoming her previous relationship with his brother. She knew that Derek thought that Dean were still in love with her and she suspected that he thought that she still had feelings for Dean. Neither could be more from the truth.  
"_Don't worry, sweetie. It's you and me. We are getting married in two months. We are getting married because I love you and only you._" She knew exactly what to say to get him to relax. She had learned this over the past two years.  
"_Promise?_" His eyes showed his fear and she couldn't stop herself from smiling.  
"_I love that you are so scared of loosing me. It makes me feel even more loved. I promise. You are the one. Just you. Now lets go home._" Derek looked into her eyes for a moment as to make sure that she wasn't lying. After a few seconds he realized she wasn't.  
"_I'm sorry,_" he said and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. Then he started the car and drove down the gravel road. He wanted to put some distance between Penny and his brother.

They sat outside on a bench in the green grass looking out over their surroundings. Deanna, his grandmother, had always been a pistol and Dean loved her. Even though she was closing in on eighty she acted more like twenty. He had always been able to talk to his grandmother about everything but he didn't know if he could talk to her about this.  
"_You're back._ "She said stroking his hand. "_I have missed you very much you know._"  
"_I know grandma and I'm sorry I haven't been back like I promised but I've been so busy._" They sat in the sun for hours talking about everything and nothing.  
"_I know why you haven't been back until now,_" she said after they had gone over everything else there was to talk about. He looked at her amazed by her ability to read everything just right. He just couldn't say anything.  
"_Dean... When are we gonna talk about the things that really matter?_" she paused and looked at him. "_If you came back here for her..._"  
"_I didn't... I..._"  
"_Dean!_" Saved just in the nick of time. Sam came running towards them, telling Dean he was leaving but didn't want to leave without first giving him an invitation for lunch the next day.

Dean watched as Sam walked away and then turned around to face his grandmother. Deanna smiled at him and took his hand. He wanted to run the other way but he mentally joined his grandmother on the bench one more time.  
"_If you came back to be with her you need to realize some things. Penelope loves Derek."_ She let her words sink in with a pause. _"Being in love with your ex-boyfriend's brother can't be easy, I imagine, but she moved on Dean. If you want her back you really should know what you're getting yourself into. You will never talk to your brother again if you do this. Destroying his marriage like this... Not a good idea._"  
"_I love you grandma. But don't worry. I didn't come home to get Penny back. I'm leaving again after..._" He paused not being able to say the words.  
"_The wedding._" She ended his sentence.  
"_Yes._" Dean didn't want to face his grandmothers gaze. He knew exactly what she was thinking. Instead he watched as the sun slowly went behind the horizon, turning the world red and pink. "_I love you grandma._" He kissed her cheek and left. Deanna sat on the bench watching the sunset with a smile. A lot can happen in two months, she thought.


	4. Old friends and new acquaintances

**Chapter Three – Running into old friends and making new acquaintances.**

The sun had begun to warm the earth with it's rays and as he walked along the river to his uncles shop everything felt so familiar. This was the place where he belonged but he had been chased away. Or did he run away? Either way, it felt nice to be home again despite the circumstances. Slowly but surely Dean made his way closer to town.  
Walking through town was an experience. Everything had changed but somehow everything was the same. The same woman owned the café but she had made changes in the premises. He payed for his coffee without saying much but the woman still tried to get him to open up about what he had done and where he had been. It was enough to answer all those questions the day before. He answered politely without ever actually ever saying anything and then left.  
As he was walking towards the shop he could feel the angst growing inside of him. He was afraid that his car was beyond repair. That car was his home. He felt embarrassed to admit it even to himself but that car was the one place he could call home. Where ever he was, where ever he parked his car he felt at home just as long as he had his car.  
And even if he hated to admit it, he loved that car as much as he did because it reminded him of Penny. It was the only thing left where he could really feel her with him. She were somehow such a big part of that car and knowing that he might have to loose that were more than he could handle. No matter how the car looked he was going to get it fixed. He needed that for his own well being. As he walked into his uncles shop he wondered why it was so hard for him to let her go. She had moved on, she was getting married. To his brother no less. Why couldn't he just let her go?

Uncle Carl was ecstatic about seeing Dean again for three years. Dean probably wouldn't have left if it hadn't been for Carl. He wasn't really an uncle but a lifelong friend of his mothers and with that he knew that someone was there to care for his mother even after he left.  
After giving Carl the usual smiles and those few words of excuses for not being home he stepped out back to where the car was parked. He didn't mean to be rude, and he probably was but he had to see what his car looked like after the accident. He prepared for the worst and the worst he got. He couldn't understand how he even made it out of the car alive the way it looked. An angel was definitely looking out for him that day.

"_So what do you want to do?_" He walked another lap around the car and shook his head. It would take him weeks to get it fixed. He wasn't even sure that he could get it fixed. He could fix it as long as the frame and beams hadn't twisted on itself. But he knew that the probability of that weren't that high and if that had happened he could just leave it. The sane thing would be to leave it. He turned his head to face Carl.  
"_I don't know. The sane thing would be to sell the parts that I can salvage but you know I love this car. It's my baby._" He needed to get the car fixed. It held to many memories for him to ever let go of. Even if it was almost to much to fix he needed to fix it. Every little inch reminded him of Penny.

Dean knew that he couldn't do much with the car in that instant even if he just wanted to dive right in and fix it. After he asked Carl to order the parts he needed he walked back into the center of town where he was meeting Sam. It felt nice to be in the presence of a friend again. He had been telling himself that he didn't miss his friends one bit during his three years on the run but he had. Especially Sam. The first time he realized that he missed the area was on his drive back home. Even though it felt horrible to be closing in on Penny's whereabouts he couldn't say as much for his hometown. It almost felt like old times when he walked up to Sam. Like he had never left, like nothing bad ever had happened.

They sat down at a table facing the marina. He took a deep breath to take it in, the salty smell of the ocean made him feel like he was really home. He knew that he wasn't going to stay but he needed to take it all in for one last time. He was going to memorize it all before leaving again. He wanted to remember everything.  
"_I need to ask you something. I haven't mentioned it before but..._" Sam wasn't sure of how his friend would react to topic he had in mind.  
"_What?_" Sam took a deep breath and looked at Dean.  
"_Did you leave because of her?_"  
"_Yes._" True. He had always known that Dean left because of the breakup but he hadn't been there when it happened and he had never been able to ask him anything about this. It hadn't felt right with him being a thousand miles away. Once Dean had dropped by his dorm room, pulling him out for drinks and then when he woke up the next day he was gone. Dean had said that everything was fine but somehow he knew that it wasn't. He had never seen him like that before. Then before he had the chance to talk to him about it he was gone. In retrospect he knew that it was around the same time that she had left him.  
"_Did you stay away for all these years because of her?_"  
"_No._" A lie? Was he lying now? Sam couldn't tell. His eyes seemed sincere but there was something in his posture. His shoulders somehow dropped, almost unnoticeable.

Dean hoped that Sam hadn't noticed his lie just then. Of course he had stayed away for three years because of her but he had to admit that the life on the road spoke to him. Even if his life was always meant to be spent in Tree Hill he had to admit that his life on the road had it's charm.  
"_How does it feel to be home again?_" Sam question woke him from his thoughts.  
"_It's okay, it was great to see my mom again and grandma._" He paused. Maybe he should have mentioned his brothers name there to? He didn't want anyone suspect anything. Sam never seemed to notice.

They sat at the table talking about everything except Penny. Sam wanted to push, he wanted the truth but somehow he knew that when his friend wanted to talk it was him he would turn to. Instead he told Dean about everything that he had missed. He told him bout his life with Jess. He told him about his work and what he wanted out of life.  
As he listened to Sam talking about his life he couldn't help but feeling jealous. Sam had everything that he had ever wanted. He had the love of a woman he adored, he had a job that he loved, he had the white picket fence that Dean always imagined for him and Penny.

He had imagined them having this big house with a big backyard where their kids could have played. He had imagined them on Christmas eve as they were wrapping the gifts for their children while she would ramble on and on about the importance of listening to Christmas carols while wrapping gifts and he would refuse and instead play Metallica just out of spite. He had imagined them walking on the beach like they did that first day forever. He had imagined them having love forever.  
"_Hey man. Do you think we could get going? I promised Jess that I'd pick up this dress she put on hold. You wanna tag along?_" He looked at Sam somewhat surprised. He realized he hadn't even heard what Sam had been saying for the past few minutes. His mind had been occupied to say the least.  
"_Sure, let's go._" He threw some money on the table and they started walking towards the center of town. As he walked into the store something felt really familiar to him. There was just something about the space. There was something about the purple walls and the silver mannequins.

"_Oh man._" He looked at Sam who had a guilty look on his face. "_I didn't realize..._"  
"_What?_"  
"_This is her store. Dude I am so sorry. I didn't think, I..._"  
"_Whose store?_" Dean asked. Sam never got the chance to respond as Dean heard a woman cry out his name.  
"_Dean Winchester!_" Rachel screamed his name, ignoring the customer she was helping and ran towards him with a big smile on her face. "_What the hell are you doing here?_" she said laughing while at the same time jumping into his arms. Now he realized what Sam was talking about. Of course this was her store.  
"_Rachel_" he said with a smile as he gave her a hug in respond all the while the pit of angst had made it's way back into his body. As soon as he had seen Rachel he of course knew why the store felt so familiar. This had always been her dream and now she obviously had made it come true.

What was going on out there? She could hear Rachel screaming like a fool and something dropping to the floor. As she walked out from the storage room she could see one of her favorite designs lying on the floor.  
"_Hey, Rach. This took me about 36 hours to make so would you please not..._" Her eyes met Deans and instantly she wondered what he was doing there. "_Dean_" she stated and felt stupid in the very same moment. She picked up the dress, putting it back on it's hanger and hanging it on it's rack. It gave her a few seconds to collect herself before diving into what she imagined would be another awkward moment like the day before.  
"_Hey Penny._" Sam gave her the chance to escape the awkwardness for a little while longer or maybe he didn't want for Dean to speak with her?  
"_Picking up the dress for Jessica?_" she said as she walked behind the counter.  
"_Yeah._" Sam followed her to the cash register.

He hadn't expected this. If he had known that this was her store he never would have gone in. Or maybe he would have? There was something so wonderfully self tormenting in knowing what her life was like. It had turned out just the way she wanted it to. It seemed like she had everything. She had opened the store just like she always had dreamed of, she had the love of a man that, even if he hated to admit it, she seemed to love. She was happy. He had none of the things he wanted in life. He was miserable.  
Rachel stood beside Dean talking about what she had been doing these past three years when they hadn't seen each other. He didn't even listen, he heard something about Los Angeles and then his eyes were fixed on Penny. Her hair was shorter and not as dark anymore. She had changed but even though he could still see the woman he used to know three years ago. Maybe he didn't know her anymore? Maybe he hadn't known her at all? Maybe he had just been kidding himself all of these years?

After Sam had payed for the dress the four of them just stood there. Dean and Penny sharing the same thought. This was embarrassing. Sam was still guilty and even though how much he tried he couldn't think of an excuse for them to leave. Rachel was just standing there smiling at the drama playing out before her. She thought it was really interesting what love does to two people. Then a thought dawned on her.  
"_I had a customer when you came in,_" she said rushing away to the somewhat angry woman in the corner of the store. At the same time Sam's phone started ringing in his pocket. He looked at Dean, mouthed "I'm sorry" and answered his phone while taking a few steps away from them.

He couldn't stand the silence that somehow filled the room, even with Rachel trying to apologize to Mrs. Lewis and Sam from talking on his phone. This time he knew that he had to say something to her.  
"_You got your store,_" he stated and started to look around just so he could have something to fix his eyes on.  
"_Yeah. Got it up and running for about a year now. It's been great. Really hard work but great._" He could see that she was really proud of what she had done. He was proud of her to. He knew how long she had worked for this, even back when they were dating. She had been planning for this for as long as he had known her.  
"_You did good._" He needed to leave. Right now before his heart broke all over her perfectly polished floors.

He basically ran out of Penny's store as fast as he possibly could. He hadn't had any time to prepare for their encounter and he needed to get out of there. He pulled the door open and just as he ran through it he could see a head of blond hair. He never had the time to react and stop, little less get out of the way. He crashed into the woman causing her to drop her purse which made it's contents spill all over the sidewalk.  
"_I'm sorry,_" he said and dropped to the ground starting to help the woman pick up her belongings. It wasn't until they both reached for the same lipstick that their eyes met.  
"_Dean!_" Once again he was looking into those bright blue eyes that made him feel so comfortable in the hospital.  
"_Carrie, right?_" She smiled and nodded. Then she started laughing. Dean had never heard a laugh like that in his entire life. It was bubbly and filled with joy. He couldn't help but join her. Once again she helped him forget.

"_Naww, how meet-cute is that?_" Rachel said to her customer as she watched Dean laughing alongside with the woman he had almost knocked over. Penny who hadn't been able to take her eyes off of Dean tried to sound like she didn't care.  
"_Mmhm._" The moment the sound came out of her mouth she knew that Rachel would rip the comment apart. Without even having to look at Rachel she knew exactly the look on her face right now.  
"_Oh come on! Are you jealous?_" Was she? No. She wasn't jealous. She was just a little chocked about him walking right into her store like that.  
"_No._"  
"_You are! Oh my god! Why are you jealous?_" Penny looked at Rachel giving her the evil eye.  
"_I'm not jealous. I just didn't expect to see him here, threw me of my game a little that's all._" She started to walk back to her office to get away from Rachel's inquisition.  
"_Right..._" Rachel said, not believing a word Penny had just said to her.

She slowly walked after Penny as she ran away from her. When she got to Penny's office she was sitting huddled over her desk, as always designing some new fabulous piece of clothing.  
"_Pen._" She didn't get a reaction. "_Penelope._"  
"_Leave me alone Rach. I'm working._" Penny didn't even lift her head to look at her.  
"_So you aren't jealous,_" she stated.  
"_Nope._" Still not looking at her. Maybe she wasn't but she felt like Penny was hiding something.  
"_Then what is it?_"  
"_I told you. I didn't expect him here. It just threw me a little._" Rachel didn't know what to think. "_Stop looking at me like that._" Penny hadn't even lifted her head but somehow she knew exactly the confused look that she gave Penny. She stood there watching her for a few seconds when she heard someone calling out "hello" from inside the store.  
"_Customer,_" Penny said, once again without lifting up her head.  
"_I know... but come on tell me. You never told me. Why did you break up with him?_"  
"_Rachel._" This time she looked at her. "_I hired you so that you could sell the clothes while I design them and handle that manufacturing. I don't have time for this._"  
"_Fine._" She walked away, frustrated over the fact of still being out of the loop. She was her best friend and still had, three years later, no idea why they broke up.  
"_You we're crazy for leaving him you know! He is hot!_" She screamed as she was walking out towards the store to help the customer that she had left hanging twice now.  
"_That he is,_" she mumbled to herself. "_But crazy for leaving him? Dear Rachel you do not know what you are talking about._" Penny put the pencil down, sighed and hid her face in her hands. "_Great, now I am talking to somebody that isn't even here. Great Pen, great._"

"_You didn't have to do this you know._"  
"_Hey, it was the least I could do._" Dean sat face to face with Carrie at the coffee shop. He had offered to buy her a coffee after he had almost knocked her over, it was his way to say "I'm sorry". But he had to admit that it wasn't the only reason for him taking her out. She was the only woman that he had met that could get his mind of Penny and after the encounter he just had he needed a distraction. He watched her as she took a sip of her latte. She smiled at him. She wasn't like the other ones. He had never asked any of the others to coffee. It was a nice distraction to sit here face to face with a beautiful woman. But that was all it was. A distraction.  
She couldn't help it. She had promised herself to not go down this road but when she met him outside the store she couldn't help herself. Even if she had been hurt before she said to herself that it was just coffee. But for every minute they sat there talking she could feel the old familiar feeling of that first date. Even if she realized that this wasn't a date she could still feel those butterflies. She had even felt them in the hospital when they talked. There was something about him, something in his eyes, something about his life that she found irresistible.

He picked up the phone, feeling so guilty, he needed to let him know how sorry he was for dragging him into that place. Even though he said that he didn't stay away because of her and therefor that he didn't love her anymore he knew him. He knew what kind of a man he was. He had seen Deans expression when he had met Penny at the party the day before and what he could see in his face was nothing other than love. He had realized the truth. He flipped the phone open and dialed Deans number. He knew his friend and when he looked at him he could see a man in love. He just didn't know what to do about the fact that he knew. He could only imagine what Dean was going through. Loosing the love of his life, loosing his brother. Of course he knew why he had stayed away for the past three years. An answer on the other end.  
"_Hey it's me. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for not thinking about where we were going earlier today. I'm really sorry._"  
"_It's fine. Dude, I'm fine. Stop worrying about it. Gotta go._" He could hear the click as his friend hung up on his end. Was he fine? Sam didn't think he was but what was he going to do?  
"_You're worried about him aren't you?_" Jessica looked at her fiancée from the bathroom where she was getting ready for bed. Sam nodded, not knowing what to say. He was worried. He was worried that this wedding was going to drive him of the edge.  
"_He'll be fine._" She tried to make him feel better but he didn't know if he could believe her right now even though, somewhere deep down, he knew that she was right.

He felt bad for cutting him of like that on the phone just now. He just didn't feel like talking about what had happened today. He still felt weak after his accident and meeting her in the store only made him weaker. He didn't feel like talking about it because if he did then he would probably let something slip that he did not intend to. Even if Sam was the best friend he ever had, and would without a doubt understand what he was going through, he didn't want anyone to know.  
He couldn't stand the fact that people knew that he was this weak. He didn't want people to know that he had been pining over the girl that blew him off three years ago. It was embarrassing, that's what it was. He was a man. He wasn't supposed to be acting this way. Keeping up appearances was really important.

"_I love you, you know_" she stated casually.  
"_I know. I guess I'm gonna have to live with that._" He laughed and she hit him playfully over his shoulder.  
"_Yeah, you better._" She pulled him down on the bed where she was sitting and started to kiss him. This wasn't all that bad, he thought as he rolled over her and started tracing his fingers down her cheek and neck. He leaned down on her and as he placed his lips on hers he could feel his whole life map out just the way he wanted.  
He woke up, once again, from the dream that always in the end became a nightmare. Would this be his whole life? Would he always spend every night dreaming of what had been? Would he ever be able to look forward and stop this downward spiral he was trapped in? He knew that if he didn't do something to pull himself out of his misery it would in the end kill him. He glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand and then picked up the phone. Five times the phone rang before someone picked up on the other end.  
"_Hello?_"  
"_Did I wake you?_"  
"_Dean? No you didn't wake me._"

_Author's note;  
__Okay so I know that the car would probably not be able to be fixed but let's face it, it's not Dean without the car right?  
__I have also updated the other chapters since I read them through and found some spelling errors which I corrected._

_Please, tell me what you think!_


	5. Misery, party of one

**Misery, party of one.**

He sat in the sun, outside the restaurant, enjoying the moment of peace all the while watching people walking by. They all seemed so happy walking around in the sun. Children without a care in the world devouring the ice cream their parents just bought them and their parents watching them, smiling with love in their eyes. He wondered if he was ever going to have a child. If he could, somehow, settle down and start a new life he would like to have a child. He would like to have that feeling inside of him again. That feeling of knowing that he loved and that he was loved. He wanted to feel that unconditional love again.

He realized that he had never had that love before. He thought that he had but he never did. If he had then she wouldn't have left him. He knew that he had made a mistake in his relationship he just didn't know what it was. It had been eating at him for three years, that feeling of not knowing what he did wrong. He had come to terms with the fact that he would never know the truth and it was a new day, the starting day of his new life, he thought as he saw her walking towards him.  
"_I have to admit that I was surprised when you asked me to lunch._" She smiled at him.  
"_You were?_"  
"_Yeah. Didn't really expect it I guess._" He looked at her. It was totally out of character what he had done that night. Asking her to lunch was a huge step and maybe he could understand her surprise. He even surprised himself but he couldn't admit that to her. He needed to feel that again, that thing that she did to him. That power she had on him when they met. She made Penny just disappear somehow.

He hadn't been back at the shop since he asked Carl to order the parts for him. It wasn't something he needed to see, his baby hurt like that. When Carl called him and said that the parts had arrived he rushed back to the shop and quickly dived into what needed to be done. With a little luck and a lot of hard work he could probably get the car up and running before he was leaving again.  
The angel that was looking over him the day of the crash wasn't only looking after him but also the car. The frame hadn't bent. The possibility of the frame not bending were next to nothing but it hadn't and for that he would thank his lucky star. Letting go of the car, watching Penny get married, it would have been to much in two months. Now there were only one thing he had to let go of. But in all honesty he would much rather have her than the car.

As he walked around the car to once again take all of the damages in he could see Penny standing there leaning against the driver side door. She was smiling at him. Was she really there? He quickly realized that her presence was a mirage.  
"_You really do look like a little boy on Christmas._" He tried blocking out the memory but somehow the ghost of Penny wouldn't leave him alone. She was standing there just like she did that day that he was getting ready to take the car out for the first spin. With her ghost beside him he popped the trunk open. He had almost forgotten about it. The camera bag were lying in the trunk and he said a quiet prayer that the camera hadn't been damaged in the crash. As he pulled the camera out of the bag he let out a sigh of relief. It didn't have any obvious damages and he were hoping that it meant that it was alright.  
He aimed for one of the old banged up cars that Carl had in the back and adjusted the clarity and there she was again. Standing in front of the car wreck smiling at him once again.  
"_Are we gonna go or what?_" How could a woman alive haunt someone, he thought and pressed his finger on the trigger. Everything seemed to work. He put the camera back into it's casing and got to work on the car. Maybe the noises of him banging and trying to straighten out the metal would make the ghost disappear, he thought and rolled up his shirtsleeves.

He had seen her every day for a week. It felt nice to have someone to talk to, to have a new friend. A few times the thought had crossed his mind that she might wanted more out of this but he couldn't could give her that. She was great, that he could admit, but his heart were still beating for Penny. She was a friend and maybe it was wrong of him to ask her to coffee or lunch every day without the intention of it ever becoming anything more but it had become like a drug to him. He needed the drug that she gave him every time they met. Every time they met she made Penny disappear but as soon as they parted ways there Penny was again, haunting him. It seemed as from the moment that he had gotten back into town she was haunting him worse than ever. With everything he did there she was accompanying him. For everything he touched there seemed to be a memory from three years ago that wouldn't leave him alone.

One night he dreamed that none of it had ever happened, that he was the one marrying her, just like it was supposed to be. He was sitting in the crowd watching himself smiling as she was walking down the aisle. As always the dream turned into a nightmare when suddenly his face shifted and the man standing in the suit next to the minister weren't him anymore. Derek was standing there smiling as she was walking down the aisle.  
As he opened his eyes he realized that the feeling he just had, that feeling of fear he had felt in his dream, was the exact same feeling that he would feel when they really did get married. Standing there with everyone else watching her say yes to Derek would destroy him. It would make his soul go black if he didn't do something soon to get himself out of this state.

He was standing in front of the mirror dressed in a suit that made him so uncomfortable that he felt itching all over his body. Maybe it wasn't the suit after all, he thought, maybe it was the fact that this was the moment when he would get to witness their love up close and personal. His nerves had been in a bundle all day because of what the evening was bringing.  
"_Would you look at that._" He turned around as he heard his grandmothers voice. "Y_ou clean up pretty nice,_" she said smiling. He looked down at the suit while pulling the collar of the shirt.  
"_You think it would be okay if I went in my jeans instead?_" She laughed and shook her head and walked up to him giving him a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes it felt like he didn't want to leave. He loved spending time with his mother and grandmother and if it hadn't been for the fact of him sharing the same town as them he would stay.  
Tonight he had to share a whole evening with them. Knowing that he had to spend the night watching them display their love made him sick. He had never thought that she was going to have an engagement party without him but somehow he needed to come to terms with the fact that she was. His whole body ached with fear, knowing that this would be the night that his worst fear were coming true.

"_You look good mom,_" he said as he watched her put the shawl over her shoulders. He was so proud of his mother. She had made a great life for herself and her two sons. He would always be grateful to her for giving him the upbringing that she had. His grandmother and grandfather had always been there to take care of him and Derek as his mother started her business. They were so proud of their daughter that first day when she opened her inn. Sometimes he wondered if she had ever been that proud of him. Mary turned around to look at him.  
"_Honey? How did your camera deal with the crash? Did it break?_" That was a weird response to a compliment, he thought.  
"_No I don't think so. It seems to be working just fine. Why?_"  
"_Would you mind bringing it? You are so talented and I would really love it if you would bring it tonight. I would love to have really great pictures of this night._" Was she really asking him to document his brothers happiness with his old fiancé? He didn't know what to say, how could he ever bring himself to taking pictures of their love?  
"_Mary, maybe Dean just want to enjoy this evening?_" Deanna jumped in to save him. She looked at Dean with a gaze as if she could see right into his heart and see his heartbreak. He tried to collect himself enough before he answered his mother.  
"_Sure mom. I'll go get it._" Had he just said that? Did he just agree to document this evening from hell?  
"_Thanks honey,_" Mary said and walked out the door. Deanna stepped up close to him and touched his arm, the touch of a grandmother worried.  
"_Are you okay with this?_" Once again there it was, the gaze straight into his heart.  
"_Yeah I'm fine._" Did that sound convincing? Maybe, maybe not. She still had that look in her eyes. "_I promise, I'm fine._" He turned his heels and walked through the hallway to his room.

He had called Dean earlier to see how he was doing. He had gotten himself a big surprise as Dean said that Carrie was going with him to the engagement party. He didn't think that he was even going to the party and now he was bringing someone? Maybe he was wrong when he thought that Dean hadn't gotten over Penny? Maybe he didn't love her anymore? Could I have been that wrong, he thought. But if he didn't love her anymore why did his eyes tell the saddest story of all when they met that day at the party his mother threw for him? Maybe he was wrong. Maybe it was just hard for him to meet her again. Maybe meeting her was just reminding him of the fact that she basically ran him out of town? Sam were standing in the hallway of their house, waiting for Jess to get ready, somewhat nervous of what this evening would bring.

He was embarrassed. He was driving up to her apartment building in the car that Carl had let him use. It was embarrassing. The car he was driving was fit for an old woman. When driving his Chevy he felt strong and masculine, right now he just felt small and embarrassed. He realized that in asking Carrie to the engagement party he had somehow made himself go on a date. He needed a friend with him there when he would see them display their love for everyone to see. He knew that Carrie didn't see this as a friendship, he knew that she wanted something more out of this. You wouldn't agree to go to someones brothers engagement party where you would meet the mother if you didn't wish for something more. Right now he didn't care about that. He needed someone there by his side that he could place his attention on so that he wouldn't watch his old love for the whole night and reveal his misery.

He rang the doorbell and almost went running. A date. His first real date in three years and it had to be at her engagement party. The thought were slowly killing him but just as Carrie opened the door it washed away. When she opened the door he could feel that sense of calm that she put upon him.  
"_You look great,_" he said and she laughed.  
"_Thank you. Nice to see you in something else than jeans or hospital gowns._" He knew exactly why he wanted to bring her to this. She would crack jokes all night and it would relax him and make this night a little easier.  
"_I would have much rather gone in my jeans but I guess that it's not really acceptable._"  
"_I have to say that you look a little bit more comfortable in your jeans but you do look good._" She said laughing as she watched him pull the collar of his shirt.  
When they got outside of her apartment building she started laughing once again.  
"_Is that what your driving?_" He smiled and nodded even more embarrassed than before. "_I somehow had you figured for a guy with a love for the classics._" Somehow she knew him better than she thought. She just didn't know the most pivotal part of his existence but that wasn't something he ever intended to talk to anybody about. She could know everything else about him but not that part.

As he led Carrie into the assembly hall he couldn't see Penny anywhere. She was there physically, talking to Derek, Sam and Jess, wearing a black and white dress that made, intentional or not, everyones eyes fixed on her. Physically she was there but in the decorations he couldn't see her anywhere. He could see his mothers and grandmothers touches everywhere, even Derek he could see but her, she just wasn't there. He knew that she would never had chosen Carnations as centerpieces, he knew that she would never had gone with the blue tablecloths. He couldn't see her anywhere and somehow that scared him. Either she wasn't there and hadn't had any part in planning this party or this was all her and he had never known her. He didn't know what scared his the most.  
Back when he had known her she lived for these things, she loved planning things like this and now he couldn't tell if she was a completely different person who had just left that behind her or maybe, just maybe, he thought, she didn't want to plan this party. Once again, he realized, he was fooling himself. What was he hoping for? Was it that he couldn't see her touches anywhere and that made him think that she really didn't want this party, that she didn't want this wedding? Of course she wanted this party, of course she wanted the wedding. This was the party that would put her in the spotlight, where she loved being, and proclaim her love for his brother and their engagement. She had said yes when Derek asked her to marry him. Of course she wanted this. How was he ever gonna get it in his head that she was in love with someone else now and not him? He didn't know her anymore, she had changed, that was the only answer for why he couldn't feel her anywhere as he looked through the room.

He was standing with Jess, Derek and Penny when he saw Dean walk in with the same blond girl that he had crashed into that day at the store. He felt like he was betraying his oldest friend standing there with Penny but she was Jess' friend and that was one of his duties as Jess' fiancée. For some reason he had hoped that Dean would decide to not show up at the party but he knew that his respect for his mother was greater than his fear of seeing Derek and Penny together. He wanted to please his mother so badly that he had gone home for her sake. Or had he? Had he come home for that reason or did he come home with the hope of getting Penny back? That was a crazy thought, he realized and pushed it away.  
He took Jessica's hand and walked her through the crowd to get to Dean and his date. Jess immediately gave Dean a hug when they approached them.  
"_Hey, Jess. Still with this loser I see,_" he said and nodded at Sam. She laughed and hugged him again.  
"_Well what can I say? I love this loser._" She smiled at Sam and then extended her hand towards Carrie. "_You must be Carrie._"  
"_That's me. Nice to meet you. Jessica and Sam, right? Dean has told me a lot about you._"

He had this weird sense of being proud when being there with Carrie. She was beautiful, funny and somehow it made him really happy seeing that not everyone were watching Penny as they had walked in. Some of the people there were watching him and Carrie. His mother and grandmother soon saw them in the crowd and came to say hello. Carrie seemed to really hit it off with the both of them, which in a way made him a little less comfortable than he just had been. He couldn't explain it. When introducing another girl than Penny to his mother it felt like cheating. He pried Carrie out of his mothers hands after a while and led her to their seats. He put the camera bag, that had been hanging on his shoulder, on the floor with the vain hope of his mother forgetting his promise.

As soon as everybody had been seated waiters started bringing out the first course. Even though he had Carrie there who, before, had been great in distracting his thoughts she couldn't help him anymore. He tried to act like Penny sitting at the other table right in his line of sight didn't bother him but seeing her with Derek made it impossible to think of nothing else. He listened as Jess and Carrie were chatting about the party, how beautiful the decorations were and how great the food tasted. Somehow his plate were emptied, and replaced by another dish, but he had no memory of ever eating. He just tried to make it look as if he were watching everyone in the room and not Penny.

He could see how he was trying to hide the fact that he was watching Derek and Penny. From this moment he knew exactly what was going through his mind. The feeling he had at the welcome home party was the right one. He knew now that his friend was still in love with her. He could only imagine the pain he felt as he sat there watching Penny and his brother.  
He tried to start a conversation up with him but he didn't even seem to hear him. Carrie didn't seem to notice the fact that Dean hadn't given her any attention all night. For two hours everyone had been sitting down, laughing and talking except him. He just sat there, watching her, even though he tried to make it look as if he didn't. It was only as the band started playing and people started to get up and dance that he woke up out of his coma state that he had been in and started paying some attention to his date again.

He couldn't help but thinking that they had really gone all out with this engagement party. Somehow he didn't think it was Penny's idea to have a live band and waiters. It was a little too much even for her when it came to this party. Derek had been the driving force behind this party and he couldn't help but thinking that Derek wanted to show Dean that she really was with him now.

He had watched his brother probably twenty times during dinner and every time he did Deans eyes were fixed on Penelope. He had never been this mad his whole life. She was his fiancé now. He gave her up and he said that it was over between them when he left. He said it was over and now he sat there staring at her. This was what he had always suspected. He didn't want to fight his brother over this. His relationship with her had given him many sleepless nights at first and he had even called him to ask him if he still had feelings for her. He said "no" when he asked and he had no reason for not believing him, they had never lied to each other before, why should he suspect that he was lying then?  
What he had always feared was happening. As they first started to go out he was fighting the ghost of Dean. He knew that she could see Dean when she looked at Derek at first but he had always told himself that it had gone away and now when she looked at him, she saw no one but him. He looked at Penelope as she was talking to Rachel, she didn't seem to have ever noticed that Dean had been staring at her all night. "Thank God for that," he thought and in that moment he knew that his jealousy was very unattractive but he couldn't help it.

He realized that he had been a lousy date up to this point. He just couldn't help it. It was like driving past an accident. You didn't want to watch but somehow you couldn't help yourself. He could see his mother walking towards the scene where the band was playing. She got up on the scene just as the band where finished with the song. She looked at him with those eyes and he knew exactly what she wanted him to do. As she started her speech he pulled the camera out of his bag.  
"_Hi everybody. I hope that you've all had a great evening and I won't keep you from having fun but I just wanted to say a few words to my soon to be daughter-in-law._" He snapped a few pictures as she was talking and then sat down. "_We didn't want to have this party until our whole family where together and now that it is,_" she was smiling at Dean who felt his heart drop to the floor, "_I get the opportunity to say this. Penelope, I just wanted you to know that we couldn't be happier that you will soon be apart of this family. We love you and wish you and Derek the best of lives together._" Everyone applauded and he could see Penny get up from her seat and walked up to Mary and gave her a hug. He knew that right about now Penny was tearing up, she had never been good at these sort of things. It was obvious that he wasn't either. He didn't want to be here. He wasn't one of those who wished them a great life. He was the only one who wished that their relationship would fall apart just like his had. He knew that it was horrible to think that and in his heart he wanted her to be happy. He just wanted her to be happy with him.

To get his mind of things he left Carrie for a while, took the camera with him and walked around for a little while snapping pictures of almost everyone. He was very careful to not get any pictures of the happy couple. He couldn't stand developing pictures of the two of them. As he walked around the room people kept coming up to him, talking about his brother and Penny. How they looked so happy, how they would make a great life together, how beautiful they looked together. As his camera ran out of film and he knew that he had done his duty as a son he went back to the table.

Carrie were sitting at the table talking to a redhead that he could spot from miles away. He couldn't help but wonder what stupid things Rachel had told Carrie. He prayed that she hadn't told her of his part with a certain someone.  
"_Hey Dean. I've been sitting here for a little while talking to your lovely girl,_" she could see a little bit of an uncertainty in his eyes.  
"_And what kind of lies are you spreading about me?_" she felt his lips on her cheek.  
"_Oh, that's not something you need to concern yourself with,_" she said lauhing. For some reason she did the friend-thing and checked out the new girl. She couldn't really help it, she just needed to know who this Carrie-girl was. She knew that even if Penelope would deny it she wanted to know who she was and she had always had this feeling about Derek and Pen. She had never talked about it with Penny because she knew that she would dismiss it but ever since that they had broken up she hadn't been able to get the thought of Penny loving Dean out of her head. So now she was checking out the "competition" for her friend.

So now she was sitting there talking to Dean and Carrie and she couldn't help to think that Carrie was great. She did exactly the thing that a friend isn't supposed to do. She befriended the other woman. Even if the other woman wasn't the other woman. Her thoughts were spinning but she still felt like she was betraying Pen for liking Carrie as much as she did. Even if Pen was marrying someone else. One of Derek's friends from work asked Carrie to dance and Rachel saw an opportunity to get Dean to do something he never did.  
"_Come on Deanie. Dance with me!_" She stood up, stretched out her hand towards him and after some persuasion she got him up there, even though it took a little begging and some threats she got him to dance.

He felt like Bambi on ice. He couldn't dance, he just didn't know how and now Rachel, and her irresistible charming ways, had gotten him up on the dance floor. They were dancing for a minute and then he couldn't hold it in anymore. He needed to know that Rachel hadn't said anything to Carrie about his history with Penny.  
"_What did you and Carrie talk about?_"  
"_You._" Rachel said, smiling up at him with that same old mischievous look in her eyes that he knew so well.  
"_Rachel what did you tell her?_"  
"_Relax, I didn't say anything about you and Penny..._" Her words were relaxing. He couldn't have Carrie knowing anything about that. He didn't want anyone knowing about his history with her.  
"_I have a feeling,_" Rachel said and looked straight into his eyes. There was something she wanted to tell him, he thought.  
"_What?_"  
"_I... I have a feeling,_" Rachel said, repeating herself, she then kissed his cheek and left him standing there on the dance floor alone with his thoughts and that sentence lingering in his mind. What did she mean by that? A feeling? He decided to push it out of his mind for at least tonight and instead try to show Carrie a good time. He knew that he hadn't been a good date but he was going to try and make it up to her during what remained of the night. He walked up to her and pulled her out on the dance floor with the intention of not thinking about Penny any more. It turned out to be hard as Penny and Derek were out on the dance floor as well, holding each other in a slow dance.

Love was a beautiful thing. Even he could admit that. It was the love between the two of them that made him sick. It was wrong. Now he had to watch them flaunt and celebrate their love right in front of him. He was dancing with Carrie, holding her in his arms and all he could think about was letting her go and walking up to Penny and showing her how he really felt.  
It seemed as if his brother had the exact same thought. The world started moving in slow motion as he watched Derek lean in and Penny raising her head a little to receive the kiss intended for her. Right then it felt like he would die. He could feel his heart break in a million pieces and scatter all over the floor.  
He was the only one there who wasn't exited for the happy couple. Misery, party of one, that was him. He thought that with Carrie there to distract him it would be fine but it wasn't. For some reason she couldn't work her magic on him this evening. It was like Penny's presence canceled out anything that Carrie were able to do. He wanted for her magic to work. He didn't want to have this feeling of complete and total powerlessness hanging over him like it had for the past years. He wanted to work his way out of that black hole and become someone that was living again.

**  
**"_Are you okay? You seem kind of jaded._" Carrie couldn't be more right but once again he refrained from telling her anything. They were sitting at the table again and this time he had been able to give her his undivided attention. At least for the last thirty minutes.  
"_Yeah, I'm fine. I've just had a long day. Been working on my car almost the entire day._" She touched his arm and then turned her head towards the laugh she heard across the room.  
"_That Rachel is something,_" Carrie said as she watched Rachel grab another guy and drag him out onto the dance floor.  
"_Yup, that she is..._" He was thankful for the turn in the conversation. He watched as Rachel danced with a man he had never seen before. It was probably another guy from Derek's office. He had always had a respect for Rachel. Some people found her annoying, to loud and somehow to free spirited but he had always respected that about her. She was who she was. She wasn't trying to hide it, she always told the truth about everything and she always stood by her friends side. Sometimes he wished that he could be more like her, how wonderful it would feel to not have to hide anything, just tell the truth and that would be it.

He couldn't help it, he had to watch them. Even if he knew that he was ignoring Carrie, being a lousy date and not listening to a word she said. It was impossible to not watch. So he sat there, with Carrie talking, watching them sitting at the table, smiling at each other. Their eyes were fixed on each other and it seemed like nothing could interrupt the moment they shared.  
"_I love you._" She smiled at Derek as he proclaimed his love. Then she leaned in and gave him a soft kiss.  
"_I know you do. I love you to Derek. You are my everything._" Was his hearing deceiving him or was it a memory that had played him a prank? Had she just said to Derek that he was her everything? That was the exact same thing she always used to say to him. He knew that it wasn't a memory. He couldn't help it, he tried to stop them but the tears that formed behind his eyelids were to heavy to push back. He remembered the last time she had told him the same thing. It was only two days before she gave him back his ring.  
"_They look really happy._" Carries voice made him realize where he was. He tried to collect himself and not to show his tears, he hoped that it worked as he turned his face towards her.  
"_Yeah, they do don't they?_" He made his comment sound like he was happy for them and proud of his brother. He wasn't.  
"_Do you wanna get out of here?_" He couldn't stay one second longer then he had to. The misery he felt in every bone of his body was slowly trying to destroy him. If he couldn't get out of here soon he would break apart, tears would start flowing and he would have destroyed everything he had worked so hard to hide.

He seemed happy, she thought as she watched him help Carrie put on her coat as they were leaving. But why were she having this feeling in the pit of her stomach? If she didn't know any better she would say that it was jealousy. She knew that it wasn't, it couldn't be, but she still had this feeling when she watched him smiling alongside Carrie. Somewhere in the deepest part of her heart it was wrong. He wasn't supposed to be with her. Surely she was great but he needed someone else, someone who was more like... She never got to finish the thought.  
"_Penny! This party is great,_" Rachel screamed when she rushed by with her catch for the night.  
"_Thank you!_" She yelled laughing back at Rachel and then turned her attention towards Dean and Carrie again. He was saying goodbye to his mother and grandmother and his hand were comfortably resting on the small of Carries back. It was the exact same thing he used to do for her when they were somewhere and she was nervous. She had been so nervous tonight, she had been wondering how it would feel, ever since he came back into town, to do this with him here. So she had made sure that she kept busy the whole evening so she didn't have to talk to him or to his date, now she wished she had. For some reason she wanted to know who that girl was. She was beautiful that's for sure but was she the kind of girl that she could see him with? There was something there, she couldn't really put her finger on it but it didn't feel right. There was something with that girl that made her really uncomfortable.

It had been like a slap in the face hearing her talking to his brother like that. All of the things that she said to him were things that he wanted her to tell him, once again. This evening had made him realize that she was really gone. She was gone and he was sitting here in the car with a beautiful woman beside him. Maybe he had done these past three years all wrong? Maybe he would have been able to forget her if he had just had the guts to actually date someone? He looked at Carrie and he knew that he had a chance to make a new life for himself. If it was with Carrie or not he couldn't tell but he needed to start somewhere and she was great. She could be the one to put his heart back together.  
"_I had a great time tonight_" she said as he walked her to her door. "_Thank you for inviting me._"  
"_Yeah, me to,_" he said and smiled towards her. They were standing outside her door now, the moment somewhat awkward but it was like a wakeup call. He wanted to move on, he wanted something more than this life of hiding and running. He knew that his life had passed him by. Maybe if he had stayed she could have told him what really had happened and they could have worked everything out but he didn't and that was his choice. These past three years he had been hiding, scared and hurt, and now he knew he couldn't do it anymore. He had done everything all wrong, she was gone and he needed to move on.  
He pulled a blond lock of hair behind her ear and then leaned in to kiss her. He hadn't kissed anyone, with this intention, in three years. Her lips felt soft and warm just like her personality and he knew that she was the one to help him mend his broken heart. For some reason it didn't feel wrong in his gut. He had been thinking about it on the drive to Carries apartment and he thought that it would feel like cheating but it didn't. Funny, that one thing felt like cheating when another one didn't. He pulled her close to him, hugging her, taking her scent in. This was what he wanted to think about when he went to bed that night and not the past.


	6. Serious unfinished business

**Chapter Five - Serious unfinished business.**

He woke up the next morning with a feeling that he hated. Last night had been horrible and he thought that his decision to actually try with Carrie would make everything better but right now he just felt weird. Last night he had kissed her and in that moment it felt great, it felt like he could really let go of everything he had been holding on to for all these years. Now he felt worse than ever and that feeling of making the biggest mistake of his life were hanging over him like a rain soaked cloud. And he hadn't even gotten out of bed yet.  
He got out of bed, grabbing a pair of jeans hanging on the chair by the side of the bed. He was determined to turn his life into something good and for that he needed to move on. If only that feeling of deceit weren't hanging over his shoulder, laughing at him, telling him he were only fooling himself. That little voice that were telling him that he could never move on made him so angry and sad. He got dressed and walked over to the window. The view of the ocean had always calmed his nerves and so it did this time. He stood there watching the the green grass, the surf and the trees swaying in the wind. He was just about to walk away as he saw something in the corner of his eyes. There it was again. The ghost. This time she was standing on the sandy beach, waving to him. Another memory came rushing over him and he could see her as clearly as that day. How beautiful she looked in the sun, how she was smiling and yelling at him to come and go for a swim with her. Once again the voice spoke to him; "How are you ever gonna get over her when you can't even look out the window without seeing her?"

Situated right by the ocean his mothers inn had become a success over night and now it was one of Tree Hills longest running businesses. Mary had worked pretty much around the clock the first few years which often made Dean and Derek end up at their grandparents. Dean had always had a good relationship with his grandparents and after the death of Mary's father and Deanna's husband Samuel, his relationship with his grandmother had gotten even deeper. They had always had a special connection. She had always somehow known what he was thinking and what to say when he needed someone to talk to.  
He walked down the hall, passing the rooms that his mother had so carefully decorated. With every step he took he could feel his mothers spirit. She was this whole inn and anyone who knew her could see it. She had loved going on road trips, bringing Dean and Derek with her, buying new things for the business. These days she didn't work as much, with the success of the inn she were able to hire people to help out and she could focus on making the business even better.  
He was so proud of his mother for accomplishing what she had. His mother was a strong woman who, when she put her mind to it could do anything. He wondered if he weren't more like his father in that aspect. His father ran away, for what reason no one knew. He had also turned to running after his relationship fell apart. The thought of being like his father was heartbreaking. If there had been one thing in his life that he had worked towards, it had been about being as far away from resembling his father as possible.

His plan had been to go to the shop and keep working on the car but instead he ended up in his mothers kitchen. He sat there in between his mother and grandmother listening to them going on and on about the party the night before. When listening to his mother talking he could hear how happy she was that Derek were getting married to Penny. In a way he was happy for his brother. He was happy that he was happy, he was happy that Penny was happy but he just couldn't deal with them being happy together.  
As he listened to his mother talking about the music, the band, the flowers and the food he got more and more sad. He had always imagined that she would be talking like that after his engagement dinner but they never got to throw that one. She had said yes on a Saturday and then with the party only two weeks away, five Saturdays after the one that changed his life, she left him. How could she have said yes only to leave him five weeks later without an explanation?

She had her doubts about him being as fine as he said he was. She could see that every time that her daughter mentioned the upcoming wedding or anything else concerning Penny her grandson looked so sad. For every moment that she spent with him she was more and more sure that he never had gotten over Penny. When he had left she knew that he did that because of Penny but then she thought that he had moved on and just stayed out on the road because he liked that life. Now she knew that he had stayed away all these years because of her. It broke her heart to know that her grandson had been living like that for three years. She knew loss, she knew the pain of loosing a loved one. Even if it had been a heart attack that had ripped her love from her and not whatever it was that broke Dean and Penny up.

Tired of listening to his mothers ramblings on the party he left and got in the car and started the drive to Carl's shop. He left the safe boundaries of the inn and drove towards town but he couldn't listen to his mother anymore. What she was talking about were killing him emotionally. It took so much out of him trying to hold his emotions bottled up, to not let his mother and grandmother see his misery. Even if he wanted to move on, the love he still felt for her made it sometimes impossible.  
As he saw the old river court he couldn't resist. This had been one of their places. One of those places that held so many memories for him. Right there by the river they had spent many summer nights talking and laughing. He parked the car and walked down to the river. He sat down and instantly the memory came crashing over him. As hard as he tried to resist it was impossible.  
One of their things had been their picnics. At least once a month they were having picnics somewhere. And now he could see it as if it was playing out right before his eyes. How they were sitting there talking, kissing and in an instant the sky just opened up and a heavy rain fell on them. Her laughing canceled out the sound of the rain and that was the moment that he had decided to ask her to marry him. And as fast as the memory crashed over him it disappeared again. No rain except for the one in his heart.

He had only got to Carl's shop when Sam called and asked him if he wanted to go to lunch. He left the car without ever touching it and went to the coffee shop instead. It felt so good to have someone to talk to. Sure he had friends in the past few years but no one like Sam. Sam had been his friend since he was ten years old and he had to admit that he had missed him during his years away. The only thing that he regretted was that he had never told Sam about his misery. Maybe his life would have been a little bit easier if he had told Sam about his heartache. But he knew that it was to late. Even if he told him now it wouldn't matter. What had happened had already happened three years ago and he sometimes thought that Sam wouldn't forgive him for not telling him everything three years ago. He hated lying to his friend but he couldn't open that can of worms up. It would hurt to much. The engagement party last night were still fresh in his mind after his mother's ramblings and the image of Penny and Derek kissing. All he could hope for was that Sam didn't bring that up. He didn't want to lie to him, but if he brought that up he knew that he would have to.

They found a vacant table in the back of the coffee shop where they sat down. He was nervous. He had everything that he knew that Dean had dreamed of having with Penny. Somehow he didn't know how to tell him what he needed to tell him. Somehow he thought that his news would hurt his friend and somehow he knew that the other thing he needed to talk to him about would get him into a fight with his friend.  
"_Dude, you're kind of freaking me out. You look all nervous and somewhat creepy._" He looked up at Dean smiling towards him. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath.  
"_Well, there's something that I wanted to tell you. Jess and I, we're..._"  
"_You're what?_"  
"_Well... Jess is pregnant. We're gonna have have a baby. I gonna be a dad._" He said it so fast that he wondered if Dean had even been able to hear what he had just said.  
"_That's great! Congratulations man!_" Dean instantly stood up and gave his old fried a hug.

He was jealous. Of course he was. Sam had the life that he had always dreamed of but he was happy for his friend. Even if he couldn't have that life he couldn't deny his friend the happiness of becoming a father. But it still hurt when he heard Sam say those words; I'm gonna be a dad.  
He had dreamed of Penny telling him that he would be a father but instead she had torn his world apart by leaving him. He just wished that he would someday be able to have that dream, even if it wasn't with her. Someday he would be able to leave her and the dreams he had for the two of them behind.

She was talking business with Rachel and hanging up new clothes that had been shipped in from the manufacturer the same morning. It had been a slow morning and she had had a little to much time on her hands. She had been looking through bridal magazines getting some inspiration for her wedding dress but somehow nothing spoke to her. Ever since Dean came back into town she had felt something that she couldn't talk to anyone to. That feeling of deceit for hiding everything from everyone where hanging over her. She wanted to talk to someone about what had really happened. She just wanted to get it off of her chest but she knew that even if she did that then the hurt of what had happened would still be hanging over her. She could never tell anyone, not even her best friend, because the truth was that it still hurt her to think of it. She had fooled herself in her relationship with Dean, thinking that he wanted the same thing as she did, and the realization of that still hurt her. She had left him behind but the bruised ego and the pain of the loss she had experienced were still fresh in her mind.

She could hear the door opening to the store and as she turned her head she saw Jess walking into the store. There was something different about her. She walked up to her and gave her a hug.  
"_I have something to tell you._" Jess looked at Penny and Rachel who walked up to them both. "_I'm pregnant. We're having a baby._"  
"_Wow, that's great Jess!_" Rachel was the first to congratulate Jessica on her bliss and Penny somewhat surprised didn't know what to say. She was thankful that Rachel had been the first to hug Jess, giving her a moment to collect herself. She smiled at Jess as Rachel released her from her hug and said;  
"_Congratulations. I'm really happy for the two of you. You are gonna make great parents._"  
"_You think so?_"  
"_I do._" Of course they would. Sam and Jess were two people that she knew would become wonderful parents.  
"_It's kinda scary you know._" Jess smiled while saying it and held a hand protectively over her belly.  
"_I can imagine but you are gonna do great._" She gave her a hug and there it was. That wave of jealousy washing over her. "_I am really happy for the both of you._" She wanted to run away. She didn't like the feeling of jealousy that she had and it felt like she needed an excuse to get away from the baby bliss that had filled the room.  
"_Well, I've gotta go. I just wanted to tell you our big news, I have to get to work,_" Jess said smiling and walked out the door.

Since Jess had been in the store with her news Penny hadn't really been herself. Her mind seemed preoccupied, she didn't pay attention and there was something sad about her posture. Rachel couldn't help but wonder why this news would make Penny react like this. She knew that Penny and Derek had talked about having kids and that they had decided to wait a couple of years, maybe it had been Derek's decision? Maybe Penny didn't want to wait to have kids? She wanted to talk to her but she knew that Penny wouldn't talk to her about it anyway. Since Dean she had been so closed off and it didn't seem to help Penny, whatever she did to try and give her a helping hand.  
"_So, great news huh?_"  
"_What? Oh yeah. Great news._" She picked up an empty box from the floor and walked towards the back. "_I have a few designs that I need to finish._" And with that she left. She felt so left out sometimes. She was Penny's best friend but she didn't talk to her anymore. She kept everything bottled up and it hurt that she couldn't trust her friend enough to talk to her. She had her reasons, that she knew, and she just had to respect that. However there was a feeling that she couldn't shake. She had felt it last night when she had watched Penny at the party. There was something that wasn't quite right and she had a pretty good idea about what it was. She just didn't know how to talk to Penny about it, or if Penny even knew about it herself.

"_So when is she due?"  
_"_We are only about two and a half months in so there's a long wait before we get to meet the little one." _He looked at Sam smiling as he talked about his fiancés pregnancy. "_Well, I'm really happy for the two of you. Give Jess a big hug from me alright? Well, I have to get going, I have to go by the shop and work a little on the car._" He stood up and picked up his jacket that were hanging on the back of his chair.  
"_Hey... before we go I wanted to mention that other thing._"  
"_What other thing?_" He sat back down.  
"_The serious unfinished business?_" Dean was somewhat stunned about the question. "_I thought you said that it was over between the two of you?_"  
"_What are you talking about?_" He decided to act like he didn't have a clue as to what Sam was talking about.  
"_It's interesting... You guys never seem to look at each other at the same time. You look at her when she's not looking. She looks at you when you look away. It's interesting that's all._" Of course Sam had seen him watching Penny all night but what was he talking about, her looking at him? This was a conversation that he didn't want to have. He couldn't deal with the hope flaring up and then dying on him once again. She hadn't been looking at him and that was that.  
"_Oh come on!_"  
"_What? I'm just saying..._"  
"_Would you stop?_" He couldn't deal with this now. He had made the decision to move on and Sam's topic wasn't helping him do that.  
"_What is going on with the two of you?_"  
"_Nothing! I'm leaving..._" He grabbed his jacket and walked out of the door knowing that this topic would haunt him the rest of the day.

Instead of going home where he was sure that his mother were still talking about the party he returned to the shop. Taking his misery out on the dents on his car would feel a lot better than having his heart ripped out and stomped on by his mother, even if it was unintentional. He rolled up his sleeves and got to work but even then the memories wouldn't leave him alone. As he stood beside the car having a drink of water he could hear and see her as clear as that day several years before.  
"_When do you think that it'll be finished?_" Penny was smiling at him.  
"_Don't know._" He was lying on his back under the the car.  
"_Well, you know. If you would just leave this for today we could go do something,_" she said with a mischievous look in her eyes.  
"_What did you have in mind?_" He got up from under the hood and walked towards her.  
"_I don't know... Any suggestions?_" She smiled.  
"_A few,_" he said and tried to pull her into a hug but the jumped to the side, laughing.  
"_Don't touch me you grease monkey. You are covered in oil and other disgusting things._" She took a few steps away from him, all the while smiling.  
"_Grease monkey? That's a new one,_" he said and started chasing her around the car. Soon he caught up to her, picking her up in his arms. He gently placed her on the hood of the car and kissed her.  
He chased the memory away and got to work on the car once again. There he was, banging on the car until the nightfall came and he couldn't see anything anymore because of the dark. Only then did he decide to go back to his mothers.

Penny was sitting at her desk in her office trying to think of everything but Jess' news before. She didn't know how to react, she hoped that it hadn't been obvious to anyone that she was sad and jealous. She wanted a baby so bad but Derek didn't want that yet. He said that he wanted for it to be just them for a couple of years, so they could buy a house, have some time to be just them, just a couple and then have a family. He was honest with her and that was one of the things that she loved about him. She had had too much dishonesty in her life already, she didn't want that anymore.  
But this wasn't just the pain of jealousy that she felt. This was something else, something that she had tried to push out of her mind for some time now, somehow it never really worked. She got up from her seat and decided to get this out of her head. She had some paperwork that she needed to take care of. As she reached for one of her binders on the shelf she saw a folder lying on the top shelf, wondering what was in it she grabbed that instead. As soon as she opened it she knew what it was. Papers spilled on the floor as she dropped the folder, it was almost like it was burning her hands when she touched it. She broke down, sitting on the floor with her head in her hands crying, in the privacy of her own office. Just like before she cried thinking about everything that she had lost in her life that she could never get back.

"_Sweetie I almost forgot,_" Mary said as Dean walked into the kitchen the next morning. "_I haven't touched the darkroom that you set up in the basement. Maybe you could develop the pictures you took at the party?_" That was probably exactly what he should do this day. His work with the car was a slow progress and he had gotten tired of banging on it every day. He needed a break and his darkroom would give him that. And knowing that being down there would give him a safe haven it felt even better. Even if it meant that he was developing pictures from his former fiancés engagement party.  
"_Sure mom, I'd love to._" He kissed her on the cheek and walked through the door and down the basement stairs. It was nice that something still were the same around here he thought as he opened the door to what had been his hideaway when he still lived there. He got to work right away, forgetting everything for a while, even Penny.

He looked at the pictures closely. He could see his mothers joyful smile when she talked to Penny at the party. He could see the picture he took of Rachel dancing with one of her men for the evening. He could see his grandmother dancing with Sam and it made him laugh. He was happy that he had agreed to bring the camera. There were so many people that he loved living there. It would be nice to have something of them with him when he left.  
Some of the pictures were pretty good. His high standards made him throw a lot of pictures away but this time he couldn't. There were some pictures that he developed twice, he knew that his mother would want copies and some he kept for his eyes only. He walked out of the darkroom and walked over to the wire where he hanged the strip of negatives to dry of. He took one of the strips, cut it up so that it was five pictures per strip and then walked back into the darkroom. He spent the whole day day in the darkroom, once Deanna brought him some sandwiches but he never touched it. He always got like that when he had the chance to spend some time in a darkroom. Everything else disappeared. He had developed every picture and his obsession started to pass. Now he could feel how hungry he was. He grabbed the stack of pictures and walked up to the kitchen where as usual his mother and grandmother were. As soon as Mary saw the pictures he was holding she grabbed them and started looking through them.  
"_Oh... would you look at this one..._" She said with love in her voice and held the picture up for Dean to see and there it was. The picture that he had tried so hard not to get. How could he not have seen that when he had taken the picture? Or when he developed it? In the picture, Sam and Jess, were dancing looking at each other, very much in love. In the background he could see Penny and Derek holding each other, kissing.


	7. Reminiscing

**Chapter Six – ****Reminiscing.**

He took the picture from his mothers hand and looked closely at it. Her arms were placed on his shoulders. His hands on her hips. Their eyes closed and lips touching. He could feel his heart drop to the floor and he had to muster up every strength that he had to keep his mother and grandmother unaware of the effect the photo had on him. His hands started shaking and he quickly placed the photo on the table.  
As fast as he could, but slow enough to not bring any attention to his escape, he walked out of the kitchen, through the hallway and out the door. He knew that it would be difficult to be here, in this town again but this was killing him. The motif somehow got stuck on his retina and he mentally went over the picture several times. The picture revealed a woman who was happy, he knew that he had to respect that. She was happy now and he was gonna move on. He was moving on, that was a promise that he had made himself for years now but now he was realizing that promise to himself. He needed that to be able to start living again.

"_Honey? I think that you are gonna have to dial down the joyous outbursts._" Mary who still had her eyes fixed on the picture looked at her mother.  
"_What?_"  
"_Dean is still in love with Penelope. I can see it in his eyes every time he sees her, every time someone mentions her. He is still in love with her._"  
"_You think so?_" What Mary feared was put into words by her own mother.  
"_I know so. I know that you are happy for Derek and Penelope, so am I, but around Dean I think that we have to dial it down a little._" Deanna picked up her purse and walked towards the door but stopped and turned around.  
"_Do you remember how you felt when John left?_"  
"_Mom!_" That was a conversation that she did not want to have.  
"_I'm thinking that the feeling you felt then is something like what Dean is feeling now._" She walked out the door, leaving Mary with a feeling of guilt and shame.

When her husband left she fell apart. She broke into a million little pieces and it took her a lot of years before she felt somewhat whole again. That man and their boys was her whole world and for no reason he just picked up and left. The shame and guilt she felt for the next years was something she wished that no one would ever feel. Was her mother right? Was Dean going through the same thing that she went through? Ever since she moved back home her life was the inn and making it successful. She was hiding from the memories of John just like her son had been doing for three years on the road. But she knew that you could never run from those memories, they would always haunt you until you found some way of getting rid of them.  
Maybe that was what Dean was trying to do when dating Carrie? Maybe he was doing everything he could to let go of Penelope? Or maybe her mother was wrong? Maybe he didn't love her anymore? Her mother had always had a certain love for the dramatic, hopefully this was just something in her mothers imagination. She hoped that Dean had been able to move on during these three years because if that wasn't the case then she would hate herself forever for not seeing what her son was going through. She hoped that he was over Penelope because if he wasn't, the she feared that not only one of her sons, but maybe the both of them in the end would end up broken hearted.

He was walking down the beach trying to escape the mental image of Derek and Penny kissing. He didn't know how to be able to stay here when everything about his surroundings reminded him about their life together. He thought to himself, what if you left? What if I left? Exactly what would happen? His mother and grandmother would be sad. His brother would most likely be happy since he could feel his jealousy of his past with Penny from miles away. Penny wouldn't react one bit he thought and felt an anger coming over him. He was so mad at his past, he was mad at himself for ruining the best thing that he had ever had, he was mad a Penny for throwing him away like trash, not even giving it a second thought. But even with the anger bubbling inside of him he could still feel her sweet breath, the taste of her lips on his. He could still feel the way her body felt underneath his. He could still smell the scent on her neck. He could still remember every wonderful thing about her.

He sat down, facing the surf, and all of a sudden there the ghost was again. Sitting right next to him smiling towards him. She looked just like she did the day he proposed. Her long hair cascading down her back, her eyes, those beautiful eyes, sparkling in the sunset. He sat there for hours with the ghost by his side. Once and again he threw a look at the imaginary Penny sitting next to him but she just sat there, watching the sun make it's way behind the horizon and then with the sun gone, so was she. Even with the ghost gone he wasn't able to move. Even if she was only the figment of his own imagination it felt so nice to have her there, right by his side. When finally waking up from the trans like state he had been in it was dark outside. Only the moon was keeping him company on the beach. Knowing that he had to let go of every moment that had haunted him this day he walked up to the house and went to bed.

"_I'm sorry._" She got up from the bed and walked over to the door. He could see her shoulders slowly bob up and down as if she was crying. He didn't understand. Just a few weeks ago she said yes when he asked her to marry him. Now she's saying that it was over.  
"_Penny?_" He could see her put her hand to her face to wipe the tears from her cheeks and then she turned around. "_Don't do this. Please. I love you._" Everything he really needed to say was in those words. Even if he knew that it was useless he still needed her to know how he felt. He still needed her. He didn't know how to go on from here without her. His whole life was planned out with her in mind.  
"_I have to._" And with that she turned her heel, walked out the door and closed it behind her. She closed the door on them and just walked away. He didn't understand what he had done to make her leave like this. She didn't give him any explanation, she just left. He broke down crying while calling out her name.  
"_Penny!_"

"_Wake up honey. Dean! Wake up!_" He opened his eyes only to meet the worried look of his grandmother. The dream had been so real. It was like reliving it all over again. He looked at his grandmother sitting on the side of his bed.  
"_Bad dream?_"  
"_Yeah..._" Had he just called out Penny's name in his sleep? Did she hear it if he did? What was she gonna say to him? He feared that the one thing that he didn't want anyone to know had just come to his grandmothers attention.  
"_What did you dream about? Didn't seem like it was something nice._" She stroked his hair.  
"_No it wasn't._" She didn't know what his dream was about. Thank god he hadn't called out her name other than in his dream. It would have been more than he could handle right now.  
"_Well, when you have a dream like that you just have to shake it off and let it go. Just move on, you know._" She left his bedside and walked over to the doorway. "_Just let it go Dean._" Then she left.

What she had feared since Dean got back into town was now a reality. She had heard him calling out Penelope's name in his sleep. It broke her heart thinking of what he must be going through. She knew her grandson, she knew that he wasn't ready to talk about it so she just woke him up to at least try to protect him from that dream that he had. This wasn't the life that she wanted for him. She wished that he was happy but now she knew that his appearance was only a facade. She was so scared for his sake, sometimes she saw a little to much of John in him, a little more than she could handle.  
She was so afraid for both of her grandsons sake. She never would have wished this for them. She wanted for them both to be happy but the way it seemed now was that for one of them to be happy the other had to spend life without the woman he loved. She loved Penny and she never would have wished this on her either, being trapped in between two brothers like that couldn't be easy for her either. She wondered if Penny even knew about the feelings that Dean still held for her. So the question was now if she would do the grandmothers job and help love a little on the way. The only problem was, if she did that, then whose love would she choose tp help? Dean or Derek's?

He parked the car and started walking to the coffee shop. After his talk with his grandmother he didn't want to stick around for breakfast so he decided to buy himself something on his way to the shop instead. When thinking about it he thought that his grandmother knew something. Maybe she had heard him? If she did then at least she didn't talk to him about it which he was thankful for. He had enough on his mind without needing to worry about what his grandmother might say.  
The picture from the day before, the dream and everything else from his stay in Tree Hill was filling him up with a black sadness that somehow made everything move in slow motion. When he saw them walking down the street towards him it felt like he was walking in quicksand. He was unable to move, he could see them walking towards him and every fiber in his body told him to run the other way but he couldn't do anything else than just stand there and watch them. Their hands were laced together, Penny was laughing at something Derek said. Derek looked at her with love in his eyes. They looked so happy together and it filled his heart with sadness.

Soon they would have reached him and his body screamed louder and louder that he should get out of there. They haven't seen you yet! Run! That little voice screamed at him. She was the first to see him. Her laugh just stopped and she fixed his eyes on him. They moved towards him in slow motion. Derek looked at Dean and then at Penny. He could see the jealousy in his brothers eyes. It couldn't be easy to have fallen in love with your brothers ex, he thought and for a moment he felt sad for his younger brother.  
"_Hi._" She was the first to speak as they reached him.  
"_Hey. I was just going to the shop to work on the car for a little bit._"  
"_Hey Dean._" Derek looked at him, Dean thought that he could see Derek at least trying to smile at him but if that was the case then he had failed.  
"_Derek._" He felt so stupid. There they were, the brother he once loved. The woman he still loved. And himself, these days only the shell of the man that he used to be.  
"_So where are you off to?_" Penny tried to fill the awkward silence that had placed itself around them on the street.  
"_He just told you._" Derek looked at her and placed his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to him. "_He's going to the shop to work on the car._"  
"_Oh right._" She giggled a little and put a hand to her forehead. "_So how's it coming along? The car I mean._"  
"_It's slow but I'm making progress._" Dean couldn't stand it. Standing there making polite small talk when all he wanted was to pull her out of his brothers grip.  
"_Well, good luck. We have to get going._" Derek took Penny's hand again and started walking away from Dean.  
"_It was nice seeing you again Dean,_" Penny said as she walked away. He could see Derek giving her a look and then they were gone.

Every time she saw him the memories of what had happened rushed through her body like electric current. She never knew how to react around him. It was so sad to meet him. Everything that happened between them wasn't bad. They had some great years together. It was just what happened after their engagement that had ruined them. And it was all for the best, that much she knew. Now she was with Derek, a great man who she loved and respected. She knew that it must have been really hard on Dean finding out that she was marrying his brother but he had moved on now, that much she knew. He was with Carrie now. Even if she didn't like seeing them together she knew that it was only that weird sense of ownership that you always felt about your ex even if you didn't love that person anymore.  
Derek on the other hand. Sometimes she got tired of always having to justify her love to him. She loved him. He was the one but he had a hard time accepting the past she had with his brother. She knew that it must be hard for Derek and she hoped that he would be able to let go of some of his fears about her past once they got married. When they had met Dean on the street his hand held hers a little bit harder than before and when he let go of her hand he only did it to place his arm around her shoulders. Somehow claiming ownership of her in front of his brother. She didn't want to have to fight about this anymore. Since Dean had gotten back into town Derek had been so quiet and the smallest thing could make him angry. She just didn't know what to say to him other than that she loved him. She just wanted him to realize that it was over between her and Dean. They had both moved on even if it had been hard on them both.  
As she walked into her office she could still see the folder and the papers lying on the floor. She hadn't been able to touch them since that night when she had found them. Why she had saved them she didn't know. Holding on to the past was something she didn't want to do. Deciding to shred the papers she picked them up and walked over to the shredded but as she caught a glance of her own handwriting she paused. "My wedding dress" was written in big letters over the top of the sheet of paper. Taking away all the memories and feelings about the design of the dress she had to admit that it was one of her best designs. She tortured herself by flipping though the other designs and once again the memories of that day washed over her. She threw the designs in the wastebasket and once again she was crying in her office.

He felt really bad about what happened the other day in the coffee shop. Dean had gotten so mad at him and he deserved it, that much he knew. He didn't have any reason for sticking his nose where it didn't belong. He knew that Dean still loved Penny. That much he had realized from watching Dean at the engagement party. His friend hadn't been able to take his mind off of his ex fiancé and the whole night he seemed so miserable.  
He needed to apologize to his Dean but bringing up Penny again was a risky thing. If Dean didn't want to talk about something then he made sure that he didn't have to, one way or another. He had learned that during all their years of friendship but being a good friend meant that he had to talk to him about it even if he got a black eye doing it.

He had been working on the car for an hour, or at least he tried to. Seeing her with Derek before was difficult and awkward but he took comfort in the fact that he wasn't the only one that seemed to feel that way. Somehow it made him feel a little bit better. He turned his attention to the car again, determined to get this days encounter out of his head but with every move he made she was right by his side. He could hear her laughter, he could see her smile.  
"_I love you D._" Remembering her little nickname he completely broke down. Tears started filling his eyes as he somehow heard himself saying;  
"_Will you marry me?_"  
"_Yes... of course yes! And just so you know... this weekend_ _is so gonna pay off for_ _you._"  
"_Shut up!_" He screamed at his mind ghost that wouldn't leave him alone. "_Just leave me alone!_" He could see her standing beside the back of the car smiling at him. Filled with anger he picked up a sledgehammer, lifted it up over his shoulder and started swinging. The back windshield that he had just put in broke into a million pieces. He just kept swinging until there was no strength left in his arms. He was exhausted both emotionally and physically and his car was once again the wreck it had been when he got to this town.

Sam could hear Dean screaming at something and as he walked around back he could see Dean beating his car unrecognizable with a sledgehammer. As he moved a little closer Dean put the sledgehammer down, put his arms behind his neck and screamed.  
"_Dean?_" Dean spun around ready to start swinging again but as he saw who it was he relaxed a little. "_Are you okay?_" If he had been worried about his friend before then that had been nothing. He had never seen him like this. He had always been the strong one, the one who just shook off everything and went back to living his life. Dean glared at him somehow saying "What the hell do you think?" He could see the tears that were falling down his face.  
"_No, I don't think I am,_" Dean said, quickly looking at his car. "_Well, that was time well spent. First I fix it and then I just take on the car with a sledgehammer._" Sam leaned his back against an old station wagon and slowly Dean walked over to him.  
"_Penny?_"  
"_Yeah._" Sam put his hand on Deans shoulder.  
"_I thought you said you didn't love her?_"  
"_Well, I lied okay!_" Sam pulled his friend into a hug and it felt nice that he had been able to get his friend to open up to him, finally. Now he could help him get his life back on track.

Once he admitted to Sam everything he hadn't been able to tell anyone for so long it felt like a weight was lifted from his chest. Why he hadn't told him earlier seemed stupid now when Sam didn't react the way Dean always thought that he'd react. He didn't get angry for Dean not telling him, he just sat there listening to him talking. It was exactly what he needed.  
"_I still don't know why she broke up with me. Three years later and I haven't moved one inch forward._" It was the truth, once he had admitted to Sam about his feelings for Penny he wanted to be completely honest with him.  
"_The memories are all I have left of her but it sometimes feel like they are haunting me. Whatever I do there is a memory of her to go with it. God, I miss her so much._" With every word spoken it got a little easier to breathe.  
"_I don't want to but I have to._" Sam took a deep breath. "_What are you doing dating Carrie?_" That was one of the things that he didn't know how to explain so that Sam would understand.  
"_She makes me laugh. She gets my mind off of Penny._"  
"_And you think that it's right to do that to her?_"  
"_No! Of course not... I'm just... I need that thing that she does to me._"  
"_Dean._"  
"_I know. But I made up my mind. I have decided to move on and with Carrie I think I might be able to._"

She looked at the wastebasket where the designs where thrown. Several times during the day her mind had wandered off to what was in her office, just thrown away like it have no meaning at all to her. But it did. What was in that wastebasket was the thing that had changed her life forever. She picked up the designs and went to sit down by her desk. That wedding dress was everything she had ever dreamed of. The other designs that she had just picked up was a reminder of what she had ever wanted out of life with Dean. They didn't want the same things. She knew what she wanted and she knew what he had never wanted. What they wanted in life just didn't match.  
"_What kind of dress do you think I should wear?_" She was lying on the bed with a bridal magazine.  
"_Something that makes you look really hot._" She glared at Dean and threw the magazine his way. "_Or maybe you should just get married to me naked. You do look hot naked._" He smiled a mischievous smile towards her.  
"_Would you be serious? This is our wedding I'm talking about._"  
"_Who says I'm not serious? You do look hot naked._" Once again that irresistible smile. She got off of the bed and walked towards Dean.  
"_So what you're saying is that you wouldn't mind me being naked in front of your family?_" She sat down in his lap. "_In front of your mother?_" She kissed him gently on the lips. "_In front of your grandmother?_" Another kiss, this one a little deeper. "_In front of the minister?_"  
"_Okay, you're right. I don't want them seeing you naked. I on the other hand want to see you naked now,_" he said, picking her up, putting her on the bed and then he began to undress her.  
She hated herself for remembering things like that. It made her feel like she was cheating on Derek. But ever since Dean got back into town every day put another memory in her head. For some reason she couldn't stop thinking about what they had shared over the years.


	8. Move on and let go

**Chapter Seven - Move on and let go.**

"_I know I've left you messages before. I don't even know if you get them. You probably do and I should probably stop calling but I don't understand. I don't know what happened with us and I can't... Please._" He was standing by the side of the road talking to her answering machine. Four weeks later and he hadn't had any conversations with her other than the ones he had with her machine every day. He wanted an answer, he needed an answer. All of a sudden he could hear a click on the other end as if someone picked up a phone.  
"_Stop calling me! I don't wanna talk to you Dean. Just please stop calling. Move on. Just let me go._" Let her go? How was that even possible? She was the love of his life. He didn't want to live one day without her. These past couple of weeks had been excruciating. There was a silence for a few seconds.  
"_Bye._" As he heard her hang up he knew that he could never go home. He knew that his heart would never mend. Tears formed in his eyes and made their way down his cheeks. He couldn't bring himself to hanging up the phone even if he knew that she was gone. Closing the phone would mean that it was over. So he stood there by the side of the road, with cars rushing by, holding a phone to his ear with no one on the other end. It was over. His life as he knew it was over. Reluctantly he put down the phone, wiped the tears away with his hand and got in his car.

Since his breakdown which Sam witnessed it had been so easy to breathe. Sam had surprised him. Or maybe his thoughts before on how Sam would react had surprised him. He thought that Sam would get angry for not telling him about his life but he didn't want to lay his misery on someone else. He didn't need for someone else to know about what he had gone through. But that was then and now that everything was all out in the open it felt like maybe he could move on without forcing himself.  
He knew that Sam couldn't really understand what he was doing with Carrie but he knew that it was all for the best. He had felt like such a dick when he told Sam about Carries part in all of this but he knew that she would help him. He knew that Carrie could make his life go forward and not stand still like it had for the past three years. But even with that in mind it still was difficult leaving every memory behind. It seemed as if the haunting wasn't ready to stop just yet. But they would, that much he knew.

"_Hey grandma._" Deanna was sitting on the bench overlooking the ocean as Dean approached her. Guests were walking around on the lawn, some sunbathing, some watching their children play.  
"_I miss seeing you and Derek like this. You used to be so close,_" she said, nodding a two boys playing in the surf.  
"_Yeah well... Things change you know._" He sat down beside her and placed her hand in his. She gave him a glance before returning her eyes two the two boys playing.  
"_They sure do._" She squeezed his hand a little harder just for a second. "_Do you know what I did when your grandfather died?_" He looked at her a little surprised by the turn in conversation. "_I got drunk._" He started laughing in sheer astonishment.  
"_What?_" His grandmother still didn't look at him, she just sat there watching the two boys.  
"_Well, that's not all I did. First I got drunk, then I cursed God, then I picked a fight with your mother. And then... then I decided to remember every good thing about your grandfather and let everything else go. I will always love him. He was the love of my life and I know that I really can't compare that to what you are going through right now but you have to move on._" This time she turned her head and looked at him. She locked her eyes on him rendering him unable to look away.  
"_You do what ever you have to do to put this behind you... but you have to move on. You have to forget about her. You have to let her be happy with Derek. You have to allow yourself to be happy... even if it's not with her. Because life is too damn short to be spending it miserable. I loved you two together Dean but it's over. You have to forget._"

As she got up from the bench and walked away she started crying. So this was what betrayal felt like. She hadn't slept a single moment all night. Her mind had been working overtime trying to figure out what to do now that she knew about Deans true feelings for Penelope. She loved both her grandsons and either she could tell Derek about his brothers feelings for his fiancé and hope that something good could come out of it. Or she could tell Dean to let Penelope go. Her choice had ultimately fallen on the later choice.  
She had realized that in telling Derek she would start a fight between the two brothers that would probably never be solved. In telling Derek she knew that she would only spark further insecurities in her youngest grandson and somehow drive a wedge between him and Penelope.  
In telling Dean to let go she would at least only have to hurt one of her grandsons and maybe, just maybe Dean would somehow be able to move on. It still didn't feel good but she knew that it had to be done if she was going to keep her family together. Her daughter and those two boys were the only thing she had left in this world and her family was the most important thing. Unfortunately she had to hurt Dean in order to keep her family together.

She was right, he thought. He knew that she was right. It was the wakeup call he needed her little intervention, he thought and smiled. He had such respect for his grandmother. She was so strong and he wished that he were more like her. He had always tried to make everyone think that he was the strong one but the truth was that he was scared of falling in love again, he was scared of having to leave this town again and he was scared of letting go of his feelings for Penny. Even if she hadn't been there in person these past three years she kept him company in his thoughts and in his dreams and that was the thing that had kept him going.  
He knew that he had his chance with her once and for some reason he hadn't done what he should have done in his relationship. There was something that he had done wrong but when listening to his grandmother just now made him realize that it didn't matter what had happened. It was all in the past now and he had to put it behind him.

It felt nice, somehow to get this fresh start. He had been honest with Sam, his grandmother had made him realize that even if you still love someone you have to let them be happy in their new relationship. He wanted for her to be happy, he did. And therefor, right there and then he decided to let her go. Just like that he got up from the bench brushed himself on and took the first step to really move on with his life.

"_I have to._" And with that she turned her heel, walked out the door and closed it behind her. Outside the door she broke down crying. She loved him so much it hurt but he didn't walk on the same path as she was. She did the only thing that she could think of. She didn't want to trap him into anything, she didn't want him to be living a life that he never wanted. It would kill her seeing him miserable in a life that he had never asked for. This was the only thing she could think of to do and even if it would hurt for a while it would get better.  
As she walked away from the man she loved and the life she had been hoping for she knew that she needed to make some changes. The first one was going home and start thinking of where she would go. She couldn't stay in this town anymore. She wanted to escape all the memories it held for her and she definitely didn't want to meet him again. She needed some time to be on her own now, trying to figure out what her next step would be and that wasn't something that she could be doing here. Not when the man she loved was only a few minutes away.

"_So I talked to Dean yesterday._" They were standing in the kitchen making dinner. Jess chopping up some onions while Sam where peeling potatoes.  
"_Yeah?_"  
"_Yeah. Turns out he's not doing so well._" He took a sip of his coffee before returning to the potatoes. Jess looked at him somewhat confused.  
"_What do you mean? He seemed really happy when we met him at the party?_" She put the knife down on the chopping block and turned to face him.  
"_Turns out that he has been lying to everyone._" She looked at him with her head tilted to the side and one hand resting over her belly.  
"_What are you talking about?_"  
"_He's still in love with Penny._" Her jaw dropped as the news hit her.  
"_Oh._"  
"_Yeah._" Jess walked over to her fiancé.  
"_Is he going to be okay?_" She laced her arms around his neck.  
"_I think so. I hope so. He seemed okay when I left him at least._"  
"_It must be really hard for him. Being apart from the person he loves._" She kissed him but as she did that she could feel the coffee on Sam's breath. "_Honey. From now on, I think you are going to have to drink your coffee outside 'cause the smell is just..._" She quickly released herself from Sam's hold and ran into the bathroom.

He always thought that she would come back to him one day. He always thought that if he just waited long enough she would realize her mistake and they would find their way back to each other. The moment she said that it was over he made a promise to himself that he would wait for her forever. Now he realized that it didn't matter how long he waited for her. She was gone. She had moved on and now he was doing the same. He was moving on with his life, not staying in the past like he had been doing before and it felt good.  
This time he promised himself that he would give her all the attention that she deserved. She was such a great girl and if there was anyone that he could see himself starting over with, it was with her. She had such a big heart, she made him laugh, she was someone he could see himself with. As he watched Carrie walk towards him outside of the hospital he realized that for the first time in a long while Penny wasn't standing there beside him. For the first time in a long while he was doing something on his own.  
He gave Carrie a hug as she reached him. They walked side by side to his car that he'd borrowed and he opened the door for her. As she got in she gazed up at him.  
"_I'm really glad we're doing this._"  
"_Yeah. Me too._" He closed the door, walked round the car and got in. Without even thinking he leaned over to her side and kissed her. It felt somehow like a natural thing to do. Nothing in his body were saying that it was a mistake. Nothing screaming in his mind to stop. It felt natural, it felt good and he knew that he had made the right decision.

They were sitting in the restaurant talking. Even if they had finished their desserts 30 minutes ago he didn't want this night to end. They had a great night together. He hadn't once had those panicked emotions about being on a date. He just sat there, enjoying her company.  
"_You've had girlfriends right? I mean you can't have been single your whole life right?_" She seemed a little bit insecure as she asked him about his past.  
"_It took you long enough to ask."_ He smiled at her thinking how cute she looked all nervous. _"No one special... but who knows, I could always run into someone when I'm not expecting it._" Why he had just said that there had never been anyone special in his life he couldn't say. He just didn't want to ruin this night.  
"_Like in a hospital?_" She bit her lower lip and smiled.  
"_Yeah, or outside a store._" He placed his hand on hers across the table. It felt nice to be sitting here with her. It was the fresh start that he needed.


	9. It should have been me

**Chapter Eight – It should have been me.**

He had been seeing her for a few weeks now and everything was going according to plan. Since his talk with his grandmother he had been feeling light on his step and since his talk with Sam he had been able to say all those things that he had been holding in for the past years. Sure the ghost had still been around a few times but not a often as before and the memories he had been able to block out almost entirely. They didn't wash over him as a flood of heartache anymore.  
He felt more and more comfortable in Carries company. Not the he hadn't before but this time it was different. This time he wanted to be there with her, spending time with her. This time it wasn't about forgetting Penny. He had realized that she would always be there in a small way but it got easier and easier letting go of what had been. Now he didn't wake up with that feeling of cheating anymore after he had kissed Carrie. Now he didn't kiss her to forget Penny. Now he kissed her because he wanted to. Now he wanted to spend time with her because she was a great girl. But in love? No, not yet but he loved her company and all love doesn't have to begin with 'love at first sight' as his previous love had begun. Maybe this was even better? Love at first sight obviously didn't work, maybe love at second sight had a better shot?

He knew that she wanted more. He knew that she wanted him to say that they were a couple. He just had some concerns about calling himself her boyfriend just yet. There was something about the thought that didn't really sit well with him. And it wasn't the fact that he didn't care for her because he did but the last time he had called himself someones boyfriend he had ended up having his heart broken. That was something he didn't want again.  
Sometimes he wondered if she had broken him enough rendering him unable to ever love again. That was something that scared him. He loved having someone that he could place all his attention on. He wanted a family one of these days, he wanted to love again. He picked up the phone and dialed the number.  
"_You available for lunch today?_" he asked when she answered.  
"_For you? Always._" He told her that he'd be at the hospital picking her up in an hour and then they hung up. He needed to see her, he wanted her company and he wanted to see if he could fall in love.

He was about to leave in a few minutes but decided before leaving he would bring in the mail. As he opened up the mailbox and picked up the letters and magazines, his heart dropped. The first thing he saw was a beige envelope with the address in an italic font. He had seen his fair share of wedding invitations to know that this was something he had been dreading. Even if he was moving on this was something he didn't need to see. Two envelopes, one addressed to him and one addressed to his mother burned in his hand as he walked up towards the house. As he walked into the house he handed his mother the mail and when he walked away he could hear his mother give out a small shriek when she saw what was in her hand.  
He escaped to his room, sat down on the bed with the invitation in his hand. Slowly he opened the letter and looked at it. He read their names, he looked at the date and then he realized the poem at the end of the invitation. As he read it his heart broke, knowing that it was all wrong. This wasn't what it was supposed to be, it wasn't Derek's name that were supposed to be displayed on this sheet of paper.

_When two join as one in solemn vow  
__before God and loved ones  
__love's ultimate promise is fulfilled.  
__As the two lives are joined in body, mind and soul  
__the beating of their hearts intones itself of higher quest.  
__A quest for longevity.  
__A journey which painstakingly endures life's daily  
__trials and tribulations with heartfelt devotion.  
__Dreams find building blocks of reassurance  
__in the eyes of their love.  
__And with faith, love and loyalty  
__the two remain in sync with each other.  
__Always knowing what the other needs  
__as they move closer to their plan of a lifetime._

He read the poem over and over again, not being able to stop. It felt like a joke. Love's ultimate promise? She gave that promise to him once, he thought. And instead of a sadness filling up his being an anger took its place. An all consuming anger took over his entire being. This wasn't jealousy like it had been before, this wasn't sadness of loosing her, this was an anger focused on her lies, the lies she had told him when they had been together.  
He grabbed his coat remembering that he needed to pick up Carrie. As he walked past his mother she stopped him in his tracks.  
"_I called Penelope and accepted the invitation for us all. So it's you, me and mom._"  
"_Fine. I have to go pick up Carrie._" And with that he left his mother standing in the hallway.

As he saw her walking up to him the anger he had felt during the drive to the hospital was replaced with joy. She smiled at him and he knew that he had found someone that he could be himself with, someone that understood him even if she didn't know everything about him yet. As she slowly made her way towards him he could feel a warmth fill up every fiber of him and there was a spark lit somewhere inside of him.  
As soon as she had reached him he pulled her into a kiss and with that he knew that he wanted give her everything he could. He knew that he had been heartbroken once, maybe he would be again but this feeling of being close to someone again was what it was all about. What happened in the future or what had happened in the past didn't matter, only the present mattered now. She smiled up towards him as he reluctantly let their lips part.  
"_Did you miss me or something?_" she said laughing.  
"_You know what? I think I might have..._" He took her hand and they walked to the car.

"_Dean? Are you in there?_" He woke up from his daydreams of the grand canyon when he heard his mothers voice calling out to him. He put the pictures he had taken six months ago down on a counter in the center of the room and went to open the door. There was something about locking the door behind him when he was in the darkroom. This was his safe haven.  
"_Hi mom. Come on in._" He could see that she was hesitant at first, like she would somehow desecrate his most holy place by stepping a foot in it. She stood face to face with him looking around the room.  
"_I haven't been down here since you left. But the maid cleaned this place up a few times though. I always knew that you would come back._" She put a hand to his face stroking his cheek with the love only a mother could feel.  
"_Thanks for keeping this place for me mom._"  
"_Well, I know how much you love it._" She said and then she saw the pictures of the grand canyon. She picked them up and inspected them thoroughly. "_You are really very talented. These are wonderful._"  
"_Thanks mom._" He smiled at her but couldn't help but notice that there was something she wasn't telling him. "_What's up mom?_" She looked up at him and sighed.  
"_Nothing gets past you does it?_" He smiled and shook his head. "_Okay. Well, I've invited Derek and Penelope for dinner tomorrow night and I was wondering if you wanted to join us._" Instantly there was that pit in his stomach again. He wondered if it was to early for him to spend time with her now that he had doing so well with blocking her out. He could see the hope in his mothers eyes, the hope that he wanted to spend some time with his whole family, the hope that he didn't hold those feelings for Penny anymore.  
"_I'd like that,_" he said and a smile instantly appeared on his mothers face  
"_Okay." _She smiled and picked up one of the pictures again._"I'm gonna steal this. Cause this I just love._" She walked towards the door but stopped as he spoke to her.  
"_Is it okay if I bring Carrie?_"  
"_Of course. It'll be nice to get to know her a little bit better._" And with that she walked out.

He didn't know if it was the right thing accepting the dinner invitation but he wanted to know how it would feel seeing them together. When he saw them together at the engagement party he couldn't take his eyes of them but he had grown, he had been able to block everything out. He was with Carrie now and he wanted to be with her. But he wanted for that little pain that was still left in his heart to disappear. He wanted to know if he had let go of her enough or more work was in store for him. He picked up the phone and dialed Carries number.  
"_Hey,_" she said as she answered.  
"_So what are you doing tomorrow night?_" He said into the phones mouth piece.  
"_Spending time with you I hope._" He smiled when he got the response he was hoping for.  
"_I wanted to know if you wanted to come over for dinner with my family?_"  
"_Really? Yeah, I'd love to._"

She hadn't been thinking when she told Dean that she had accepted the invitation from Penny. She had let herself to be filled with the joy she felt for her youngest son. For a moment she hadn't been thinking about the conversations she'd been having with her mother about Dean. Her mother kept insisting that Dean still loved Penelope. She kept insisting that he was still broken hearted. That wasn't something that she really wanted to think about so she tried blocking it out but now that she had invited them for dinner she knew that she needed to talk to Dean about it.  
He had seemed completely fine with it. When he asked to bring Carrie she was a little stunned because before she thought that her mother was right. Now she wasn't so sure anymore. Dean had been spending a lot of time with Carrie, that she knew. And now he was bringing her to their family dinner. She realized that he was getting serious with Carrie. She realized that maybe she soon could have her family whole again.

"_So dinner with Dean._" Rachel stood in the display window of the store dressing a silver mannequin in one of Penny's latest creations. She smiled at Penny but quickly realized that her friend hadn't appreciated the joke.  
"_It's not dinner with Dean. It's dinner with my fiancé, his mother and grandmother and his brother,_" she said to Rachel in a harsh voice.  
"_Relax. It was a joke._" Penny dropped the hangers she held in her hands and sat down on the chaise.  
"_I know. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little nervous._" Rachel sat down next to her.  
"_Why?_"  
"_I don't know... well, no I do. I'm afraid that Derek will read something into it if I even talk to Dean._"  
"_Still a little jealous of your past?_"  
"_Yeah._" Penny looked at Rachel like there was something more she wanted to say but then she shook her head and instead got up from the chaise and walked over to the counter. "_We have to get a move on. We're opening in a few minutes._" Rachel watched as her friend buried herself in work and she couldn't help but notice the similarities in her mannerism and her posture to the way it was when she had just declared her intentions in opening this store about two years ago. There was something so familiar about it and she knew exactly what Penny was feeling. She was scared that Penny on the other hand didn't even know what she was feeling. But that was Rachel, she had always been more in tuned with her friends emotions than with her own.

As he saw Carries car coming up the driveway he walked out to meet her. As she parked the car he could see how she checked her makeup in a mirror and then looking up at the house.  
"_Are you nervous?_" He asked smiling as she got out of the car looking a little gray.  
"_Yeah._" She giggled nervously. He pulled her into a hug and whispered in her ear.  
"_You'll be fine. They don't bite._" She laughed and said;  
"_I know they don't but I'm going to meet your mother._"  
"_You've met her before._"  
"_That was just for a moment and then I was just a date. Now I'm..._"her words died as she looked at him.  
"_Now you're more than a date._" He said it without even thinking. It was completely real to him, now she was more than a date. She smiled at him and he put his arm around her waist leading her into the house. As they got into the house his mother and grandmother came up to Carrie shaking her hand and instantly leading her into the house. Dean watched as Carrie seemed to find a spot in his family in an instant standing with his mother, talking and laughing. The grayish color had disappeared and she seemed right at home.

As he heard his fiancé talking about her store he felt so proud. Everyones eyes where turned on her and it was somehow everything he wanted. Her being able to shine like only she could. She had been doing a lot of sketches when they had begun spending time together and he'd like to think of himself as the pivotal force behind her decision to start up her company. He had always said that she was talented and that she should start up her own company but back then she had been really doubting herself. Now she was confident and resourceful.  
He threw a quick glance at Dean, remembering the way he had been looking at Penelope at their engagement party. And just as then his brothers gaze were turned to his fiancé. The jealousy simmered inside him once again and how much he tried to push it away it couldn't be denied. Why was she even doing there, he thought looking at Carrie. If his brother still loved Penelope, as he was sure that he did, then why had he brought her to dinner? Was it in a weird way to show Penelope what she had lost when she said goodbye to him. He knew that he needed to let go of his fears but they held a constant hold of him no matter what.

Carrie seemed to fit right in where she sat next to him on her right side and his mother to her left. It was like she had always been there when everyone listened to her speaking of her job.  
"_So how long have you've been working there?_" Mary asked.  
"_I've been there for years. First as an orderly while I was studying to be a nurse and then as a nurse now for about four years._" She smiled at everyone as she was talking.  
"_You like it?_"  
"_I love it. There is something really fulfilling working with people. Helping them to mend, not only their body's but also their spirits. I don't think I'll ever be able to do something else._" It was so bvious to him that she loved what she was doing. He could feel it the first day they met at the hospital.  
"_And obviously there are more than the benefits of helping people that comes with the job,_" she said looking at Dean with a smile. He smiled back at her and took a hold of her hand

"He_y._" He woke up from his thoughts as he heard her voice. He turned around and could see Penny standing in the doorway casually leaning against the door frame.  
"_Hey._"  
"_Where's Carrie?_" she asked as she walked towards him.  
"_She had to go, she has an early day tomorrow._" As much as he had tried there were still butterflies every time he saw her.  
"_At the hospital?_" She mimicked his way of standing. Elbows on the railing of the patio, leaning forward to look out into the night.  
"_Yeah._" They just stood there for a while, neither one of them wanting to break the silence in fear of what they might say he thought.  
"_I had almost forgotten how beautiful it was out here at night._" She looked out over the star filled night and then turned her head towards him.  
"_Yeah me too._" They smiled quickly at each other and then Penny turned her head towards the night again. He looked at her and couldn't help but wonder about her life.  
"_Are you happy Penny?_" She turned her gaze towards him somewhat surprised.  
"_Yes._" He felt that there was a slight hesitation in her voice before she answered his question. He pushed that little spark aside that he felt.  
"_Good, I'm happy for you._" She smiled at him but there were something in her eyes. He couldn't quite explain it but there was something that gave her a look of sadness in her eyes.  
"_Are you?_" As she asked the question she turned her gaze from him and looked out over the surroundings.  
"_Yeah I am._" She didn't answer only nodded her head and kept looking at the stars. They stood there in silence once again. This time he didn't know what else to say. The silence were soon interrupted."_Penelope, we should probably get going._" Both Dean and Penny turned around to look at her fiancé. She smiled when she saw him.  
"_Right, I'll go say goodbye._" She walked past Derek but not without touching his hand a little and smiling at him. He smiled back at her and watched her walk into the house. Ignore that feeling, Dean thought to himself. As Derek turned around to face Dean his posture and his eyes had changed. There was something dark over him.  
"_I want you to stay away from her._" Dean started laughing, somewhat astonished.  
"_You have got to be kidding._" Derek walked up to Dean standing before him seeming ready to strike.  
"_No. Stay away Dean._"He stared at his brother and anger filled up his whole being. He couldn't believe that his brother could ask him something like that. Penny wasn't the girl to cheat and it wasn't him who had betrayed his brother. Derek didn't have anything to be angry about.  
"_You ready?_" Penny walked over to the two men, taking a hold of Derek's arm. He nodded and they walked away, down the stairs, over to the car and then drove away.  
"_Honey, do you think that you could drop me off at Rachel's?_" Penny broke the silence in the car.  
"_Now?_" Derek stared at his fiancé.  
"_Yeah, well there are some things about the store that I need to talk to her about._" He wondered if that was the truth or if she wanted to talk to Rachel about his brother. He answered her with hesitation.  
"_Alright._" Once again the silence filled the car and he could feel the anger simmer in his body.  
"_Do you want me to come up with you?_" He asked as he stopped the car outside of Rachel's apartment.  
"_No, you'll only be bored out of your mind._" She smiled at him.  
"_Do you want me to wait here at least?_" Please say that you want me to stay, he thought.  
"_No I'll walk home. It only takes a few minutes._"  
"_Okay... But be careful okay?_"  
"_Like always._" She leaned in to kiss him and he took a hold of her face giving her a deep kiss. Then she grabbed a hold of her purse and opened the door. It felt to him like she was walking out of his life. It felt to him like he was about to loose her.

He started up the car again but he was unable to drive away before he had seen her getting into Rachel's apartment safely. His love for her had started out with him trying to help her, trying to get her to move on and one day he had found himself thinking that he wanted to hold her in his arms in more than a friendship way. That day he had been walking around with a somberness caused by his feeling of betrayal when it came to his brother. Now he loved her more than he thought ever possible and the thought of loosing her was more than he could handle.  
Derek had seen the way that they were looking at each other on the patio. He had seen everything from inside where he stood disguised behind the curtain. The way that they were looking at each other scared him. That was the way that he had seen them look at each other so many times before, before when he was only the brother and Dean was the love of her life. He didn't want to be the one looking on again, he was going to fight tooth and nail to keep her.

She pulled the bathrobe closer to her body as she heard a knock on her front door. She was just about to climb into bed and to sleep the memories of this evening away. Dating sure was a hassle. She just hoped that the knock she heard wasn't her date coming back hoping for a continuation of their evening, that was something she was not giving him. That thing was certain. As she looked through the peephole she gave out a sigh of relief. Outside wasn't a horny guy but Penny.  
"_Hi,_" Penny said as she opened her door to let her friend in.  
"_Hey._" She could see how Penny gave her the 'I need to talk look.'  
"_Wine._" This was obviously not only a talk, this was a talk involving alcohol. This was serious.  
"_I don't have wine. I've got vodka._"  
"_That'll work._" Penny said as she walked past Rachel and sat down in her sofa.  
"_Come on in,_" she said while at the same time making a sweep of her arm in a wide circular gesture. She closed the door. "_So what's up?_" She said as she walked into the kitchen to get two glasses and the vodka in the pantry.  
"_Nothing. I just wanted to see how you're doing._"  
"_Me? I'm doing fine._" She walked out to Penny again handing her a glass and began to fill it. "_I'm gonna go out on a limb here and make a guess that things didn't go so well at Marys house?_"  
"_No it was great. Just great._" Penny looked at Rachel when she stopped pouring the vodka with a look demanding more.  
"_Then what's up? You don't usually come around here at eleven o'clock at night demanding vodka._"  
"_I wanted wine,_" Penny said and chugged the drink. She put the glass on the coffee table for Rachel to fill up once again. "_He's happy for me. Can you believe that? What the hell is that about?_"  
"_Who?_" Not really listening to her friends ramblings she couldn't understand at first who she was talking about.  
"_He says that he's happy that I'm happy._"  
"_Dean._" Of course, she thought. Only Dean could have this effect on Penny.  
"_Yes Dean! What the hell does he mean by that?_" She couldn't help but smile at her friend as she poured another glass down her throat.  
"_I think it means that he's happy that you're happy. What else could it mean?_"  
"_Yeah. What else could it mean?_" Penny poured herself another glass of vodka and began pacing back and forth the living room floor. "_God! He is driving me crazy. First he comes into town looking like a god damn train wreck!_"  
"_He had just been in an accident,_" she stated softly to her friend.  
"_Yeah he had! What the hell Rachel! I got so scared when I heard about that. I thought that he died._" For a moment she got quiet, then she remembered something and threw her arms out spilling her drink on the floor. "_Oh! And that Carrie! That's the other thing. He just brings her to dinner. Parading her in front of me like... like..._"  
"_Like what?_" This was getting interesting, she thought. Pour some vodka down her throat and she'd start talking, revealing things she wouldn't if not under the influence of alcohol.  
"_I don't know! What the hell is he trying to pull?_" This time a little spark of anger was lit in her being. Penny could sometimes be a little stupid when it came to things like this. Her friend needed a wakeup call. She needed to realize that she had left him and now he was moving on.  
"_I don't think he is trying to pull anything. I think that he is just trying to move on with his life. Don't you want that for him?_"  
"_Of course I do._" She put the drink down on the table and looked at her friend. "_God, I don't know what's wrong with me lately._"  
"_I do._" The look Penny threw Rachel was the one to show her that she had passed that unspoken line between them. That line that she had been trying to cross for years now that Penny somehow always forced her to stand behind.  
"_I have to go. Thanks for the drink._"

Since Sam had found him at the shop beating his car into nothing he had been completely honest with him. It made him feel more alive being able to share his thoughts with someone.  
"_It's just sad you know... It should have been me._" He sat with the invitation in his hand as Sam said;  
"_I know man. We all thought that it was going to be you two... well, forever._"  
"_Yeah. But if I had been given this a month ago I would have fallen apart by now. Yeah it stings but I think that I might that moved on enough to just be happy for her._" It was weird because that was the feeling he had in his heart right now. He was happy with Carrie and she was happy with Derek. That was a feeling that he wanted to hold on to forever because these days he was more himself than he had been in the past three years. Before he had only been the shell of a broken man and now he was slowly picking up the pieces and putting them back together. As they hung up the phone Dean fell on his back on the bed with a smile. He was moving forward.


	10. Authors note

**Authors note**

Okay, well I've been on vacation which means that I've left everything behind for a few weeks. I haven't been writing anything for a while.

I went to Egypt for a while where we went to see the pyramids and Luxor and the temple of Karnak and we went swimming with dolphins and white tipped reef sharks, I'm a real shark lover so that was so amazing. And I've just spent time with my family, playing with my darling son.

Anyway, since I haven't published anything in a few weeks I thought I'd get a few chapters up today...

In chapter 13 there is a tribute to another one of my favorite shows, Gilmore Girls.

And, horrible as I am I haven't even responded to the reveiws I've gotten so I thought I'd take the time to do that now.  
**Baad51 **– Thank you for saying that, you have no idea what that means! And it's still Brooke it's just Penelope Brooke Davis instead of the other way around :)  
**JateSkateFate815** – Thank you, as always I love your reviews... Every chapter is dedicated to you! And by the way... soon, not today but soon I will reveal the reason for the breakup ;) Stay tuned!


	11. Pictures of present and past

**Pictures of present and past.**

"_Hey boozy!_" Rachel yelled as Penny walked into her store the next morning. "_How you doing?"  
_"_Not so loud,_" she complained. Rachel forced out an evil laugh and then said;  
"_Well, this is what happens when you pour vodka down you throat. So any thoughts on last night?_"  
"_Lets not talk about last night, alright._" There it was again, that look that Penny had telling her to leave it alone. "_Ever. Ill be in my office if there's a problem._" Penny walked away leaving Rachel with the responsibility to open up the store.

She hadn't been able to sleep all night. She had only been able to think about Penny's ramblings. It was so obvious to her that Penny still wasn't over Dean. If she was over him, then him bringing Carrie to dinner wouldn't have bothered her but it did. She wanted to knock some sense into her friend, telling her to either let him go completely and be with Derek or leave Derek and try to figure things out with Dean, but she knew that doing that then she would affectively ruin her friendship forever. If there was something Pen hated it was people butting in. So she kept her mouth shut and opened up the store instead.

She had escaped to her office, that she could admit, but she didn't have a desire to talk to Rachel about what she had said the other night. What she had said she couldn't believe but seeing him smiling and laughing with Carrie she was washed over with a sense of ownership. She knew that she had no reason for feeling like that. She was happy with Derek, she was getting married and spending time thinking about what had been and her unnatural jealousy wasn't what she wanted. So she filed last night as temporarily insanity and pushed it to the back of her mind.  
She sat down at her desk pulling out her drawing papers and pencils and began sketching. She had been pushing it forward for so long now, she knew that she needed to start her design for her wedding dress but ever since Derek proposed all the designs she had filed in her head disappeared. She couldn't understand why she was unable to think of something, one little thing that could light a spark to her creativity. So once again she pushed the wedding dress thoughts aside and started sketching on something else.

"_Feelings don't just change like that over night so you have obviously been thinking about this for a while._" He was angry and he didn't understand. She looked at him with eyes rimmed with tears but she didn't say anything. "_Have you been lying to me every time you told me you loved me?_" He needed to know for how long her lie had stretched but she didn't answer. "_For how long?_" Still no answer. "_How long have you've been feeling this way?!_"  
He woke up surprised, he thought that the part of his life that meant that he was waking up in a sweat from nightmares was over. Obviously it wasn't over just yet but considering that he hadn't had a nightmare like that in a long time then he could deal with this one. Even if it left a mark on his heart every time he dreamed of her leaving he was determined to leave it behind him and spend a nice afternoon with Carrie.

When he had taken a shower to wash of the dream he got dressed and walked down to the kitchen. His mother and grandmother sat at the small kitchen table looking at pictures.  
"_Oh good you're here. Come on and sit down. There are some pictures of you and Carrie here._"  
"_Really? From last night?_"  
"_No, from the engagement party,_" his mother said softly, giving him a glance to see how he would react. When he didn't she pulled out a chair for him and he sat down. As he looked through the pictures of him and Carrie he couldn't stop smiling. Even if that night had been one of the worst nights of his life he liked the way him and Carrie looked together. He pushed the night out of his mind and just watched the pictures. Her blond flowing hair cascading down her back. Her smile as they both laughed at something.  
"_Do you want these?_"  
"_Please._" As he picked up the pictures his mother held out the other pictures for him.  
"_Honey. Would you mind putting these in the drawer in my bedroom? You now which one right?_"  
"_Sure._"

He walked into his mothers bedroom, with his mind occupied on the pictures of him and Carrie. He smiled at the very thought. A couple of months ago he didn't think that he would ever be able to be this happy. It seemed to be only a dream but then the dream used to contain him being happy with Penny. It had never crossed his mind that he could actually be happy with someone other than her. He fell to his knees at his mothers dresser, pulling out the bottom drawer. As he opened it he could see several photo albums, he instantly recognized them as his and Derek's baby pictures and pictures from their upbringing. He didn't bother to look them over just yet, instead he picked up a stack of photos his mother hadn't sorted yet. He flipped them through quickly realizing that those pictures was probably from his three years away. He picked up another stack and looked them through. As he was about to put the pictures in and close the drawer he saw something at the back of the drawer.  
He pulled put a plastic bag and emptied out its contents on the floor. Right before his eyes, scattered on the floor, were pictures of him and Penny. One of them laughing, one of him standing behind her holding his arms around her body. As he looked through the photos he couldn't help the anger that he felt. So this was what his relationship with Penny had turned into. Memories placed in a plastic bag in pushed to the back of someones mind or dresser drawer. He stopped flipping through the pictures when he saw that picture that had been standing on his mothers mantle. He hadn't even realized that it wasn't there anymore. Of course it wasn't, she had taken that picture down when she had learned about Penny and Derek. And then one of his fondest memories had been discarded.

He inspected the picture he held in his hand. They had been spending the whole day on the beach with his mother. He and Penny had been acting like children that day, chasing each other around, splashing water on each other and teasing each other while his mother was looking on, smiling. His mother had pulled out her camera and started taking pictures of him and Penny. One of the pictures developed from that day was this picture. Him holding his arm around her looking at her and she laughing straight into the camera. Her dimpled smile perfectly accentuated by the ocean behind them. It had been a the most perfect day. It had been a memory he had worked hard at forgetting and now there it was, the smile that would light up his whole world. For some reason he put the other pictures in the drawer and brought the one of him and Penny with him up to his room. For some reason he couldn't stand having that memory put away in some drawer for no one to see.

He was huddled over the car, putting in the new engine. The car was close to finished now. When he didn't spend time with Carrie, he spent all of his time working on the car.  
"_Hey sexy._" He turned his head and saw Carrie standing next to the car.  
"_Hey! What are you doing here?_" He wiped his hands on a piece of cloth and kissed her.  
"_Your mom told me where you were._"  
"_Okay. I'll be finished soon. Maybe we could go get something to eat?_"  
"_Actually Mary wanted us to go back to the inn for some coffee._"  
"_Sure, if you want._" He went back to putting in the engine while Carrie was walking around the car taking all of it in.  
"_Yeah okay... I approve of this car. This is a much better car than that little lady mobile that you've been driving around in._"  
"_Yeah?_" He couldn't help but laugh. "_I think so to actually._" He put down his tools and slammed the hood shut. "_Okay, let's go._"

They were sitting in the kitchen looking that the pictures that his mother had given him earlier that day. Carrie gripping the photos in her hands while leaning into Deans body frame as he held her close to him with an arm over her shoulders.  
"_Okay so I know that you can't dance but you even look goofy doing it in a picture. How is that even __possible? It's a still._" She laughed and held up the picture for him to see.  
"_I told you, I can't dance._"  
"_If you like that one then I have something even better for you._" Mary walked out of the kitchen.  
"_Why do I have the feeling that she is pulling out the baby pictures?_" Carrie clapped her hands together when faced with the prospects of seeing him as a baby. Mary walked in with the album he instantly recognized. Carrie grabbed the album and instantly started looking through the pictures.  
"_Oh my god! You were a goofy looking kid._"  
"_Thanks mom, thank you._" Dean turned his fake anger towards his mother who just smiled at him. "_I was a handsome kid._"  
"_Oh please you look like a fool!_" Carrie couldn't stop laughing.  
"_Haha! Very funny. I think that you've looked at enough photos for today._"  
"_No!_" She exclaimed as he pulled the album from her hands then she sighed. "_I have to get going anyway, I need to get to the gym. We'll talk later?_"  
"Yeah." She leaned in to kiss him and then she turned to his mother.  
"_Bye Mary._" He watched as she walked out of the kitchen, she left his sight and he heard her car start up in the driveway a few seconds later.  
"_She makes you happy doesn't she?_" Mary was sitting facing him with her head leaning in the palm of her head.  
"_Yeah she does._"  
"_I'm really happy for you._"

As she walked out from her office Rachel looked at her but said nothing. She knew that Rachel was dying to talk to her about last night and she hoped that she had made it clear enough that she had no intentions of ever talking about that. Just as she turned her head to look out the street a black muscle car drove by and for a second she thought it was him. Watching the car go by was like reliving that day all over again.  
She stood on the sidewalk with the coffee that she had just bought. Her plans for leaving had been crystallized enough now that she knew where she was going. The only thing left was telling her boss that she wasn't coming back to work. She didn't want to leave, all she wanted was to run back to him telling him everything, telling him how much she loved him but she knew she couldn't do that. She loved him to much to do that to him. Just as she was starting her walk towards her job she saw his car drive by. He drove straight through town in the direction of the freeway and her heart broke into small pieces. She knew instantly that he was leaving. She knew that she ran him out of town when she left him. She wished that she could run after him, tell him to stop, tell him to stay but she didn't. She guessed that he never even saw her or maybe he did but she had made it clear to him so many times that it was over between them that he wasn't likely to stop even if he did see her. She knew that he was leaving, probably for good, and he had brought her heart with him. At least she didn't have to leave town now that he was gone, not for the moment anyway.

When Carrie left he sat talking to his mother for a moment and then he walked to his room. He couldn't resist, he pulled out the picture of him and Penny he had found in his mothers room. The picture told him everything. Once they had been happy together, once he was all she ever needed. He still found it hard believing that she was getting married. She was suppose to marry him. That was the way that it was supposed to be.  
He was happy with Carrie, he was but seeing what he had lost like this was more than he could handle. Tears formed behind his eyelids and he let everything out. He would always feel that sadness when thinking of her betrayal. When thinking of how she left, leaving him wondering, he would always be saddened. He started sobbing, holding the picture in his hand. Unfortunately he didn't see Derek standing in the doorway watching as Dean cried for everything he had lost.


	12. Tension in a home

**Tension in a home.**

His breakdown yesterday had been a step back but he guessed that it was only to be expected. He knew that he cried only for the lies that she had fed him, he cried for how fooled he had been by her.  
It was a backlash, sure, but that was all it was. He was getting better and better at pushing the memories away. This was only the one step back that could make him take several steps forward. He could feel it in his entire being, he was moving forward and nothing was going to ruin that for him. Not even a picture.  
"_Did you get to talk to Derek?_" his mother asked as he walked into the kitchen.  
"_Derek? No._" Instantly he grew nervous.  
"_Oh. He came here looking for you, I said you were in your room._"  
"_No I... I went down to the beach._" He lied to his mother and he felt horrible but his mother didn't have to know anything about this. "_When was this?_" He asked,trying to keep his voice from revealing his angst.  
"_After Carrie left yesterday._"  
"_Oh._" He had seen him. He knew it in his gut. He could only imagine what his brother must have thought about him and his breakdown. He didn't want anyone else to know, except Sam and his grandmother and especially not Derek. His brother wouldn't understand. He would never be able to understand why he was looking at a picture, sobbing while holding it.

He woke feeling up just as angry as he was when he went to bed the night before. After seeing his own brother crying when looking at an old picture of him and Penelope an anger had been consuming him completely. He knew that it wasn't Penelope's fault that his brother was still in love with her but he couldn't help it. She was there and she was the one that had to deal with his bad temper and surly ways. She had asked him why he was in such a bad mood but he knew that he couldn't tell her the truth. He was afraid that she still held more than friendly feelings for his brother. Even though she had said yes to his proposal he couldn't let go of that fear of her and Dean.  
He had promised his mother that they would come by to talk about the wedding but right now he knew that if he would see Dean they would get in a huge fight and he would somehow have to explain to Penelope why he was fighting with Dean.

He didn't know what to do or what to say the next time he saw Derek. Somehow he had to try to explain what had happened yesterday. He knew that they were on there way to the Inn and a part of him told him to run but as he walked past the library he saw Penny sitting there alone reading a magazine. Somehow he couldn't resist talking to her instead of running in the opposite direction.  
"_Hey._" He leaned against the door frame. She looked up and he couldn't help but feeling a little tremble in his gut.  
"_Hi._" As she fired of a smile towards him he remembered how great it used to feel seeing that smiled. "_Come on in,_" she said and put down the magazine. "_I'm just waiting for Mary, we have to start planning._" She said it in a hushed tone as to try to protect him from thinking about the fact that she was marrying his brother. As if he could ever really forget that. He sat down beside her and somehow they started talking like it was old times. They laughed alongside each other, talking about memories from there years together. Penny broke down laughing as she remembered Dean almost getting his ass kicked at the movies.  
"_That guy was huge!_" Dean exclaimed and it felt just like old times he thought as they sat there laughing, with tears rolling from their eyes. Both stopped laughing as Derek appeared in the doorway.  
"_I'm gonna go help Mary in the kitchen._" Penny instantly stood up and walked out the room but not before stopping for a moment next to Derek, taking a hold of his arm and giving him a look as if to tell him something.

"_What the hell are you doing?_" Derek exclaimed as soon as he knew that Penny was out of range.  
"_What are you talking about?_" Denying everything would be the best defense he realized as he saw the blackness in his brothers eyes.  
"_Penelope._"  
"_I don't know...._"  
"_I want you to stay away from her!_" And now the game plan changed in a second. In his gut he knew that it was childish and juvenile but somehow he could only think of the he had to keep the little bit of power he had left when it came to his brother.  
"_So you think that I'm gonna listen to you?_" Dean got up from the sofa and walked towards his brother. He wasn't about to let his brother tell him what he was going to do. It felt as if he had been robbed by him, this wasn't something he could give him. He had given up enough in his life.  
"_I saw you yesterday. I saw you looking at the picture!_" Just as he expected, Derek had seen him.  
"_So? It didn't mean anything... You're getting all worked up over a crappy photo?_" He took another step towards his brother, clenching his fist together, ready for what to come. He was so sick of Dereks jealousy, he could see it everytime he looked at him. He knew that he still believed Dean would try and get her back. He was the one that was with her now so even if he didn't believe him then why did he care? "_I'll burn the fucking picture if it makes you think that you won't loose her someday!_" He said it only to get an reaction from his brother, when in a fight he needed to get physical, he wasn't any good at the verbal fighting. As soon as he said that he could see his brothers fist closing in on his face.

Penny walked in to the kitchen hoping that Derek wouldn't take his anger out on his brother, but she had seen in his eyes that he wanted to be alone with Dean and this wasn't a day that she wanted to get him even more agitated than he already was, so she left.  
"_Do you need any help?_" She asked Mary as she placed herself next to her.  
"_No thanks._" They could hear the front door slam shut and Carrie walked into the kitchen.  
"_Hi Mary,_" she said.  
"_Oh... hi..._" Penny exclaimed, a little surprised at Carries presence.'  
"_Hey, have you seen Dean?_" She still hadn't come to terms with Carrie being in Deans life but she knew that it was only the sense of ownership you always felt when it came to old boyfriends.  
"_Yeah... he's in the library._"  
"_Thanks._" For some reason she followed Carrie into the library but they both stopped dead in their tracks when they saw what was playing out before them.

"_Derek?!_" Penny screamed as she saw her fiancé throwing a punch at his brother. Deans head whipped around as Derek's fist met his cheekbone. Carrie rushed over to Dean as Penny placed herself between the two brothers facing Derek. "_What the hell is going on?!_" Derek didn't look at her, instead his angry gaze went over her head to Dean who returned his look with an even angrier stare. Penny grabbed a hold of Derek's shirt forcing him to look at her. "_What's wrong with you? What the hell is your problem?_" This time Derek's agitated posture became somehow weak as he looked at her.  
"_I... Nothing._"  
"_Nothing? You just punched your own brother and all you have to say for yourself is 'nothing'?!_" Derek looked so sad but she was tired of the bad moods he had been displaying lately. Derek turned his heel and walked out of the room.  
"_You okay?_" She turned to Dean.  
"_I'm fine. He punches like a girl._" He smiled but it was weak and she could see that it hurt. For some reason that she couldn't explain she wanted to take care of him, to make him feel better but Carrie was standing right there next to him. She wasn't the one he turned to anymore. She knew that she was the reason for that but she couldn't stand seeing him in pain. She knew that this wasn't the place for her anymore, her place was with Derek even if she couldn't stand to look at him right now.

"_Does it hurt?_" Carrie sat close to him on the sofa.  
"_No._" Of course it hurt but he couldn't really admit that to her now could he?  
"_Really? 'Cause it looks as though it would hurt._" He grinned at her.  
"_Well, what can I say? I'm a bad ass._" She laughed but then her expression turned serious.  
"_Honestly Dean. What was that about?_" Damn it! She wanted an explanation. He didn't want for her to know anything about his past with Penny. He didn't need the discussions that would most definitely follow.  
"_Just brotherly love you know. He just needed to work out some issues._" The expression on her face turned from serious to disbelief. "_Apparently he's still made about his superman sippycup I broke when I was two._" Carrie started laughing and for the moment at least he had gotten her mind on a different track.

She heard the door open and slam shut in a way that she knew that it was Penny. She walked out from the storage room. As she saw Penny's expression she exclaimed;  
"_What's wrong?_"  
"_Derek punched Dean! I know that he have been in a really bad mood these couple of weeks but last night he was worse than ever and today he punched Dean._" She put her shoulder bag on the counter. "_He didn't even have a good excuse for what he did. He just stood there._" Rachel watched as Penny walked around the store, steaming mad. "_I'm getting really tired of his crappy mood. I don't understand. I know that he is jealous but he has nothing to be jealous about!_"  
"_Pen._" She walked over to her friend, grabbing her by the shoulders to make her unable to run away. "_He has everything to be jealous for. Don't you realize that?_"  
"_Don't!_" She shook her head not wanting to listen. "_I don't want to hear your layman psychological evaluation of my relationship with Derek!_" She grabbed her purse from the counter and stormed out. Rachel closed up the store, steaming mad at her friend. She needed something to calm her down.

"_Dean!_" As he heard his name called out he spun around to find Rachel running towards him. She was smiling but as she reached him her smile disappeared.  
"_Wow! What the hell happened to you?_" He knew that the side of his face was turning more and more red after Derek punching him.  
"_Oh nothing. Just ran into some knuckles._" He smiled and tried to deny the pain as the muscles over the bruised area reacted.  
"_Let me guess. It was Derek's knuckles?_"  
"_Yeah. How did you know?_"  
"_I know all._" A secretive smile spread over her face and he realized that Penny had told her. He knew that Penny had left the inn just after she had bawled out Derek. He hadn't heard what she was screaming at him but he could hear that she wasn't happy with him.  
"_I guess I had it coming. I said something..._"  
"_Oh come on Dean this wasn't your fault!" _How little she knew he thought. Of course it was his fault. He had said something to hurt his brother."_You have to know that he is jealous of you? She was your fiancé and now she's with him. Of course he feels like number second._"  
"_I wanted to ask you something._" He had bought Rachel a cup of coffee and they had been walking down the street in silence until he broke it. She turned her head ti look at him. "_At the party you said something. You remember?_"  
"_At the engagement party?_"  
"_Yeah._" He wondered if it was a good thing bringing this up. "_You said that you had a feeling. What did you mean by that?_" He looked at her but couldn't help but thinking that she seemed a little sad from the topic of this conversation. "_We haven't really had a chance to talk since then and I've been wondering what you meant by that._" No point in backing down now. She sighed and spoke.  
"_I had a feeling then and I still do. I've had it ever since you got back into town._" He looked at her wondering what she might mean. "_It doesn't feel like things will end up the way everyone thinks they will._"  
"_What do you mean?_" She seemed so sad.  
"_I feel like I'm betraying her._"  
"_Rachel please._" Begging wasn't something he liked but he needed to know. There were so many questions unanswered for him, with this at least he wanted an answer.  
"_She won't marry him._" She threw a glance at her wristwatch. "_I have to go._"


	13. Poolplay and memories

**Pool play and memories.**

His cheek was throbbing as he walked into the murky bar. He had to admit that his brother sure could throw a punch. After he had talked to Rachel he needed to have a drink. Her words had taken a hold on him and they kept spinning around inside his head. "_She won't marry him._" Those four words was the last thing that he wanted or needed to hear. He had been able to push all those dreams away lately and those four words made all of his hopes and dreams rush straight back into his body rendering him unable to think of anything else.  
Somehow he thought that drinking one beer after another would help him get back on track. He wasn't about to become that man again, he wasn't about to become the ghost he had been for years. Why Rachel would tell him what she had he didn't know. Even though he had begged her to tell him what she had meant he couldn't help but to be angry with her for telling him what she had. Somehow he thought that she must have known that he had been longing for Penny all these years that had passed.  
He didn't know why he had come here. As he looked around the bar he felt memories washing over him. Every inch of the bar held a memory of her and this day it was impossible to push them away. They had gone to this bar so many times and even though he knew that it would break his heart walking into 'their' bar he still came.

Somehow he had just been brought here, somehow something was forcing him to come here as if he was led by some invisible force. Or maybe it was just that this bar was the one place that he wouldn't run into anyone he knew, leaving him to the heavy drinking he had in mind.  
For a moment he thought his eyes were deceiving him when he saw a brunette sitting by the bar. He could see a head of dark hair, he could see the familiarity of the posture but he thought that it was only someone resembling her or maybe his eyes were playing a trick on him somehow. As the woman turned her head, he saw the well-known profile of her face and it felt like his heart skipped a beat. He assembled his courage that had somehow scattered all over the bar and walked over to her, with the beer in his hands. He sat down on the stool beside her.  
"_What are you doing here?_" Surprised she turned her head to look at him.  
"_I had a fight with Rachel._" Penny sighed and took a sip of her pink colored drink.  
"_You okay?_"  
"_I'll be fine._" He nodded and they sat there in silence and he couldn't help but wonder what his brother would say if he walked in here right now. Somehow he wanted him to because he couldn't think of anything better than to plant his fist in Derek's face. To reciprocate would feel nice but he knew that it was his fault that Derek had punched him.  
"_You shouldn't be mad at Derek, it was my fault._" Why he helped his brother he didn't know but ever since he said what he said he had felt bad. Even though he just could have let it be, he hated seeing her this way and he wanted to help her feel a little better.

For some reason, when he sat there by her side, she couldn't stop thinking of one thing that she had said to him once when they were still together and happy. They had been walking down the street talking about relationships. He had asked her what would happen if they ever broke up. She had placed her arms around his neck.  
"_You don't have to worry about that. We will be together forever and if we break up for some reason, we will get back together. People that are meant to be together always find their way in the end._" In that moment she had thought that they were meant to spend forever together and now she felt like such a lier. She emptied her glass and raised it to the bartender so he would know to fill it up.  
"_You want another beer?_" He nodded while looking at her and she couldn't help but to feel like she was cheating on Derek, sitting here with his brother, with her former fiancé. She told the bartender to give her friend another beer, somehow hoping that by calling him a friend that she would feel a little bit better.  
"_You wanna play some pool?_" She had just emptied her second drink and until now they had been sitting next to each other, completely cloaked in silence.  
"_With you? No,_" he said laughing. "_You'll only cheat._" She started laughing at his comment.  
"_Hey, I can't help that you're such a poor loser. And besides, you suck at pool so why should I play with you anyway?_" She tilted her her looking at him with a mischievous smile.  
"_I do not suck._" He pouted.  
"_Yeah you do._" She said while leaving her stool and slowly walking backwards towards the pool table.  
"_Oh, it is so on,_" he said, jumping off his seat, walking towards her. It felt nice, he thought as their friendly banter continued as they made their way over to the pool table. A waitress soon came over taking another order from Penny and she soon came over with another drink.

"_So do you come here often?_" He let her start. The balls went flying over the table as she broke the cluster of balls with the white one.  
"_Once in a while. People don't really know me here you know. No one would think to look for me here. Sometimes you just need a little peace and quiet._" She looked at him and she looked so sad. All he wanted to do was to pull her into a hug, to hold her close, to help her with whatever she was going through. "_Why did you come here?_" She asked him and took another sip of her drink.  
"_Same reason as you I guess. Needed some time to be alone and no one would think to look for me here._" He ran his hand through his hair feeling nervous. Why, he couldn't say.  
"_So then why did you come up to me? If you wanted to be alone, I mean?_"  
"_You looked so sad... And we always had fun in this place right?_"  
"_Yeah._" A smile broke the sadness of her face. "_Doesn't it seem like when ever we went here someone wanted to punch your lights out?_" He started laughing.  
"_Well, no one ever succeeded._" He boasted and she laughed, shaking her head at his bragging.

It seemed as if nothing bad had ever happened between them. It seemed like she had never hurt him, she thought now that they were standing here, playing pool, drinking and laughing. It felt just like old times. They were laughing about old memories, they were talking about things that they had done and everything felt nice. For three years she had been feeling guilty about lying to him when she broke up with him but now, at least for right now, she could let all of it go and it seemed as if he was able to do the same.  
Even if he had never said it to her face, she knew that he still wondered, he must be still wondering why. She had never answered his pleads about knowing what had happened but it seemed as if he had forgotten about that now. Or maybe he had just moved on like she hoped that he had.  
"_What's so funny?_" He asked as Penny's laugh filled the silence that had placed itself over them. Maybe he was the only one who had noticed.  
"_Do you remember that trip we took when we stayed at those B&B's?_" He smiled when remembering the worst trip ever taken.  
"_You mean when we took the world record in crappy B&B's?_" He laughed as he said it and remembered one where the cockroaches where running across the floor at night.  
"_Yeah._" She raised her glass and took a sip "_Do you remember that one B&B?_"  
"_The one in Jacksonville?_"  
"_Yeah!_" She was laughing even harder now. "_Do you remember how crazy that woman was?_"  
"_She sure loved her cats._" Cats were at least better than cockroaches he thought, laughing.  
"_Didn't it seem as if everyone at that place was a little weird?_"  
"_Yeah. I won't be going back there that's for sure._"

As they opened the door and walked into the Abyssinian Cat, that they had chosen to stay at for the night, they were greeted by what seemed to be millions of cats, both live and ceramic ones. They walked up to the front desk where a woman was sitting.  
"_Hello there._"  
"_Hi._"Penny said as Dean put their bags on the floor.  
"_Would you like to ring the bell?_" The woman said showing them a cat bell with a gesture of her hand. They looked at each other confused.  
"_I...I don't understand?_" Penny was the first to be able to form a sentence.  
"_I don't usually sit here when guests arrive, so they get to ring the bell. People love to ring the bell and you didn't get to ring the bell. Have you seen that it's a cat?_" Can someone say crazy? Dean thought to himself. He wasn't able to get a word out so Penny was left to do the talking.  
"_Yeah..._" She seemed unable to react more than that, seemingly as taken by the situation as he was.  
"_Please ring the bell._" The woman smiled and once again pointed to the bell on the counter.  
"_Just ring the damn bell._" Dean hissed in Penny's ear and she did as she was told.  
"_Well done._" She seemed to was about to break out in song over the damn bell, he thought.  
"_We have a reservation under Winchester._" This was the first time he was able to speak to the woman covered in pink flowers.  
"_You and your wife are going to have a lovely stay here,_" she said while looking in her ledger and then grabbing a key.  
"_Oh, we're not married, not yet at least,_" Penny said, smiling and took a hold of Deans arm. The woman saw the engagement ring on her finger.  
"_Oh, you are engaged. That is so romantic. I remember when my husband and I got engaged. It was the best day of my life. He's dead now._" He led Penny a few steps away from the woman.  
"_We have to leave this place right now,_" he said in a hushed voice.  
"_And sleep where?_"  
"_I don't really care but we can't stay here. We will get slaughtered by crazy cat lady in our sleep._"  
"_Dean._"  
"_It'll be safer to find Jigsaw's home and sleep there!_" Penny smiled but he realized that she thought that it would be rude to leave now and she wasn't one for rudeness.  
"_Fine._" He surrendered to the love of his life.  
"_Let me get your bags._" The woman grabbed their bags took a step forward but the stopped dead in her tracks and turned to Dean. "_Do you wanna ring the bell? You haven't rung the bell._"  
"_Maybe later._" This was not happening. She really was crazy.  
"_Oh please. You'll love it,_" she insisted.  
"_Yeah Dean. You'll love it. Ring the bell._" He looked at Penny who almost couldn't hold her laughter in by this time and sighed. He rung the bell and the woman seemed pleased since she started leading them to their room with a smile on her face.

"_So... how long have you known Carrie for?_" Why she was asking him this she didn't know. They had been able to steer clear of the relationship topic but she wanted to know. She needed to know that he was happy. She needed to know that what she did to him wasn't still between them.  
"_I... um..._" He didn't seem to want to talk about this, she thought as he hesitated. "_Since I got back into town. She was the nurse tending to me after the crash._" He looked at her a little confused "_I thought you knew about that? We talked about it at dinner the other night._" Had they? For some reason she hadn't been paying that much attention to what was said at the table, for some reason she hadn't been able to see anything else than Deans hand stroking Carries hand.  
"_Oh. I was tired, I'm sorry._"  
"_It's okay._" He smiled at her but she felt guilty. She didn't want to have to care about Dean and Carrie but for some reason she couldn't get the image of the two of them together out of her mind.  
"_I came to see you._" He looked up from the pool table confused at what she had just said to him.  
"_Huh?_" He tried to seem somewhat non interested but he didn't know if he was successful.  
"_I came to see you. At the hospital._" Now she had his complete interest.  
"_You did?_" Penny looked at him, nodding and then turning her head away just a little. "_Why?_" He couldn't understand why she would have gone to see him.  
"_I... I wanted to make sure that you were okay. I saw you lying in bed and I..._" She drank the last of the content that was in her beer glass instead of finishing her story.  
"_You didn't come and talk to me._" He looked her straight in her eyes trying to force her to reveal her reasons.  
"_No... I... I don't know._" She took a deep breath. "_I guess I just remembered everything that happened and I couldn't bring myself to talk to you. You hurt me, broke my heart and I didn't wanna feel that again._" What was she talking about, him breaking her heart? Wasn't it her breaking his heart? "_Never mind. We shouldn't be talking about this. You're happy with Carrie and I'm happy with Derek._" And there it was he thought, she just had to throw that in his face. He tried to shake her last comment off, to shake the whole conversation off and they went back to playing pool.

"_I miss this,_" she aimed her cue and pocketed one of her balls.  
"_What? Playing pool?_" He laughed at his own question.  
"_No... This... Us... I miss our friendship._" She looked at him with hesitant eyes. "_Do you think we could ever be friends again?_" As her question slowly sank into his mind his heart broke. He knew that he could never be her friend. He knew that these past couple of weeks had been him trying to move on and obviously he hadn't been doing such a great job.  
"_You want to be my friend?_" He knew that his voice was filled with anger but he didn't care. She needed to know what she had done to him.  
"_I..._" She looked down at her shoes, not wanting to face him.  
"_You ripped my heart out and yet here you are telling me that I was the one that broke your heart, that I was the one that was wrong._" Anger were simmering inside his body and he couldn't control himself. He could see tears forming in her eyes but he didn't care."_What is your problem? I might have been the one that left town but you left. You! Not me. You were the one that said it was over. You don't get to blame me for your broken heart. You don't get to ask me if we can be friends again. You did this! This is all on you!_"

As she watched Dean grab his leather jacket and hurrying out the door she knew that she blew it. She had been wanting for them to be friends again. In her attempt to be honest with him she had made him break. She could see it just like she had seen it that night, his heart breaking was something she didn't want to see more than that one time and now she had made it happen again. She wanted to run after him, she wanted to let him now how sorry she was, she wanted for him to know the truth. But she knew that none of that mattered anymore. She had broken him, that strong man that she had fallen in love with in just a second when he asked her out that first time was now a broken man and it was all because of her.


	14. What to do when in love

******Okay so you haven't heard from me in a while. Work have been crazy, I have been sick and when I got out from the hospital I have been hanging out with my son. A few days of not getting to play with him and I go crazy :)  
Anyway... a few new chapters and guess what... the secret is being revealed!**

Don't forget to comment! :)

******What to do when in love**

She woke up with a splitting headache, that forced her to think of the night before. This was the first time that they had really talked in three years. There were so many things that she wanted him to know, so many things that she wanted to tell him but after his reaction to her mentioning them being friends again she knew that telling him that one pivotal thing would kill the future of ever having a somewhat functional relationship as in-laws. She couldn't deal with his anger and the hurt look in his eyes.  
She could see the hurt in his eyes last night just like she had that night. When she had told him it was over she hadn't only broken her own heart but his to. She had been working so hard to move on but ever since he got back into town memories of him had been a frequent part of her days. Every day there was something that reminded her of him and what had happened. She didn't want to remember the things she did but she couldn't control it. He still held a big part in her life, he was the part that had formed her into who she was today. She just didn't want to remember the heartbreak anymore.

She stepped in to the shower and as the hot water streamed down her naked body she tried to get the memories to wash away with it. She wanted for it all to just wash away but somehow it seemed impossible. She knew that the day she had been dreading for the past year was about to come and she couldn't take it. The memories of that one day was more than she could handle.  
Lost in memories she didn't hear Derek stepping into the shower. She jumped a little as he lovingly placed his hands on her hips forcing her to turn around. She put her arms around his neck, holding him close. He doesn't deserve this, she thought as she looked into his eyes. The memories that she was trying to repel still held a tight grip on her. For a second, but only for a second, she could see Deans face flashing before her eyes. But as fast as Deans face had appeared it disappeared again and she was once again looking into Derek's blue eyes. She kissed him trying to forget what had just flashed before her eyes.

The weather never seemed to fit his mood. When it was raining in his heart the sun was shining as if to mock and torment him with the happiness people felt. When he felt the slightest bit of happiness it was pouring rain outside. This day he was miserable so of course the sun was out greeting everyone to a new day. He on the other hand had last night clear in his mind. His dreams had been haunted with images of Penny and he found himself once again trying to force the memories of her out of his mind.  
He had made such progress, he had been spending time with Carrie and everything had seemed to be going just the way he wanted it to. After last night he was pushed back into the misery he had felt when he came here. He wanted for all of this to be over. He just wanted to move on, he wanted to let go of everything. Maybe it would be easier once the wedding day had passed.  
The morning had been filled with images of her and to try to get them to disappear he drove to the garage. The car was coming along nicely. There were still a little to do but soon it would be finished. What he would do then to fill his days he didn't know but that was a question for later. Right now he just needed to get the car up and running. It was like an extension of him, without it he couldn't feel whole.

What prompted him to open the glove compartment he didn't know but he hadn't looked in there for years. As he opened the small door he instantly saw the small black box. It was broken and crocked from the crash and he felt the pit in his stomach again. Slowly he reached for the box and opened it. He could see the diamond sparkling a little even though it hadn't been cleaned for the past three years. For a few weeks that ring had been on the finger that it was supposed to and then she took it off of her finger. Like it had meant nothing. Like he had meant nothing.

_This certainly was something new for him. He didn't think that he had ever been in a jewelry store before and now e was here looking for something so special. An older man approached him, looking at him like he was about to rob the place.  
_"_Looking for something special?" He looked at him closely as if to give him a review in whether or not he was going to be a problem.  
_"_Um... well... yeah." How could he be this nervous?  
_"_For you?" The man still looked at him in slight disbelief.  
_"_No, for a girl... The girl." He smiled a little thinking about her. He was going to propose to Penny and they would spend the rest of their lives together.  
_"_An engagement ring?" The man seemed to thaw a little at the realization. He nodded at the man and they walked over to one of the display cases. The man started pulling out rings and somehow he was able to find the perfect one. Now he just had to find the perfect setting to ask her to spend the rest of his life with her. Hopefully Penny would love the ring he thought as he walked towards the Impala with the box burning into his pocket._

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, he thought to himself as he sat in the dirt next to his car holding the jewelry box in his hand. She was as clear to him as she was that day when he had first pulled out this very same box out of his jean pocket and clumsily gotten down on one knee. In the red glow of the sunset she had said the word that he had longed to hear and he had placed the ring on her finger making it official. She had been laughing, smiling and kissing him and they had made love right then and there.  
What ever he did he wasn't be able to shake the memories. Her ghost followed his every move, rendering him unable to even breathe. Her laugh filled his head and her eyes kept flashing before his eyes. The only thing he could think of to do was to try and drink her away. As he walked into the bar he hoped that she wouldn't be there. He had chosen a different bar this time hoping that she hadn't had the same thought.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" Sam placed his hand on Deans shoulder but his friend shook it off and chugged another shot glass. The bartender was an old friend of Sam's and had called him once Dean had started to ramble about some long lost love as he said.  
"It's never enough." Sam heard him say and couldn't understand what had prompted this change in his friend. Dean had seemed to be able to move on. He had spent time with Carrie, he had seemed to be happy again and they had talked about his past relationship with Penny several times after his breakdown at the garage. Maybe he had lied when he told him that he was starting to get over her, that he was moving on and that it was feeling better without her. He saw as Dean poured the content of another shot glass down his throat.  
"Come on buddy, let's get you home." He wanted to help Dean out of the bar but as soon as he touched Dean he shook of his hands.  
"I don't wanna go home. I wanna..." Completely drunk Dean placed his head in his hands.  
"What?"  
"I don't know... Ultimately... I guess... I want her back." Dean sighed and he could see a tear falling down his friends cheek. He hadn't seen him cry that many times in all of their years of friendship. He hated seeing his friend like this.  
"Then do something about it!" Why he said something like that he didn't know.  
"Like what? What clever suggestions do you have for me?" Dean spun around to look at him and all he could see was heartbreak.  
"I have no idea but I can't stand to see you like this anymore. Just do something! Talk to her, tell her how you feel." He watched as Dean slowly shook his head. He knew that it was useless. Dean had always been this way. Stubborn as hell. He looked on as Dean stood up on unsteady legs and grabbed his jacket.  
"Come on buddy, let's get me home." He said with a smile, always trying to play the part of the strong, untouchable man. Sam sighed and walked out of the bar after Dean.

_The pain was insufferable. She knew that it would hurt but this was more than she could handle. The emotional pain just disappeared for a moment as the physical pain took over and rushed through her body in waves. This was the worst pain she had ever felt. How people had gone through this for centuries she could never understand. How women could do this without breaking apart, without killing themselves afterward she could never understand.  
__He had been gone for over a month now and every day she was crying. She felt weak and she didn't know when she would be able to think of him without feeling her heart break. She still remembered everything about him. She still remembered the ways he used to touch her, the way he used to love her, the way that he made her feel. She would never be able to feel that way again. She would never feel the touch of his hand again. She would never be with him again._

He had tried to work as much on the car as possible the past couple of days. He still hoped that when keeping himself occupied he would be able to keep the memories out of his mind. He had been haunted by her ever since their night at the bar and it seemed impossible to get her out of his head. Sometimes the though crossed his mind that maybe it had been as painful for her as it had for him but he knew that it wasn't so. She saw him as a friend. She didn't think of him like the man that she used to love anymore. She only saw him as her fiancés brother.  
He wanted to be able to move on but ever since that night he didn't know if it was possible and how he would make it happen. He had been avoiding Carrie the past couple of days and he hated himself for what felt like he had been leading her on these past couple of weeks. He had thought that he was able to move on, he thought that he was doing the right thing when trying to be in a relationship with her. Now he wasn't so sure.

_At least she didn't have to move. She had been planning on moving but then he left town and she didn't have to worry about running into Dean and at least one problem was solved. She had been planning on moving soon anyway but with him gone she had the time to plan her life a little better. Then the worst thing had happened and she knew that she could stay. She had been practically lifeless the past few months but ever since Derek came into her life she felt a little better.  
__He was there listening when she needed someone to talk to, he was there to show her a good time and he was there when she was lonely. She had always liked Deans brother but now he had gotten to be a great friend. They sat in her living room watching some crappy horror movie and she couldn't help to think of how nice it felt. She had felt something familiar flutter when he looked at her. She didn't want to fall in love with her ex boyfriends brother but she couldn't seem to control it. As he leaned in to kiss her for the first time she felt as if her live may not be cursed at all._


	15. Terms of endearment

**Terms of endearment.**

"Have I told you how much I love you today?" She looked up from her morning paper and saw Derek standing in the doorway. Collecting herself today was important, she couldn't let anyone know of what was going on inside of her on this day. This was her cross to bare and no one needed to know.  
"No, not yet," she said smiling trying to force herself to not reveal the pain inside her heart. He walked over to her, kissing her forehead.  
"Well, I do. I love you Penelope."  
"I love you to," she said to him stroking his cheek. He sat down and poured himself some coffee. "So what do you have planned for the day?" Derek asked.  
"Nothing special, the usual," she answered trying to seem normal but all she wanted to do was to survive this unholiest of days.

After the worst of his anger had settled over Deans tears he had tried to get Penny to forgive him. Even if her reaction had scared him and had once again placed the thoughts in his head that she still harbored feelings for Dean he tried to push that away. He could understand the anger she felt when he had punched Dean, he was usually so calm and collected. He could understand why it had been a surprise for her, him acting that way.  
He had tried to explain without never actually telling her the truth and it had seem to work. She had accepted his apologies and excuses and even with the feeling when he lied to her it felt good to be in the inner circle again. She had let him in again and he felt right at home. He knew now that it was wrong of him to react the way he did but he had seen his future life and his future bride slip trough his fingers. He wondered if she was content with the explanation that he had given her but he would be stupid to bring it up again.

As she walked down the street towards her store she hoped that she wouldn't run into anyone she knew. It would be enough to have to deal with Rachel on a day like this. She loved Rachel but she could be quite nosy. Deep down she wanted to tell Rachel everything but there was this line that she couldn't cross, there was this invisible force holding the words back.  
She had been planning on getting her design for the dress finished today even if she hadn't one idea in her mind as to what it should look like. But when this day was over she would have gotten it done so that she could get married. She was getting married, she was going to put this behind her and her life would be great.  
But how hard she tried she couldn't force the memories out of her mind and they placed a veil over all the happiness she should be feeling making it murky and somehow not as appealing. The only thing she had been wanting to do these past years was to forget everything but someone had made that impossible for her and it seemed as if someone didn't want for her to forget.

_"I don't want this night to end." She said as she sat beside him watching the stars. Dean placed his arm around her shoulders.  
"It won't. We will always have this night..." She looked at him and laughed.  
"You are such a woman!" He turned to look at her with a faked hurt look. He pulled his arm away from her shoulders.  
"Wow!" He looked out over the ocean as black waves kept rolling in. "Thanks! I've always dreamed of hearing that I am a woman the same night I propose to a girl." They laughed together and he pulled her into a hug and whispered in her ear; "You've made me the happiest man on earth." I can't believe what I've done to deserve to be this happy, she thought as she grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him in to a deep kiss. Then she looked at the ring sparkling on her finger and leaned her head on his shoulder taking every second of this night into her memory._

She hated remembering. She wanted for all of those memories to just fade away. She wanted for everything that reminded her of Dean to disappear but on this day it was impossible for her to forget. This day would forever be the day that she kept thinking of what they had shared and what they could have shared. All of that was gone now and she was with Derek.  
He was the dependable one. The one she knew wanted the exact same things that she wanted out of life. He was the perfect match for her. He had been there with her through everything, even if he didn't know everything that she had gone through. He was still here with her, helping her, pushing her and making her better. Therefor it felt like such a betrayal when she couldn't stop thinking of his brother. But this day it was impossible to think of anything else.

_They had started to pack up the picnic basket that he had brought to the beach and all she could think of was how happy she was. Once every minute she looked down on her hand to assure herself that the ring that he had placed on her hand were still there.  
_"_I want babies." She didn't know why she had just blurted it out like that. He stopped what he was doing and looked at her a little surprised.  
_"_You do huh?" He smiled at her. "You really expect me to share you with someone else?"  
_"_Yeah I do..." She couldn't help but thinking that this wasn't the time for this type of conversation but she had brought it up and now she had to follow trough. "What do you think?" He walked a few steps to get close to her.  
_"_Anything for you." She looked into his eyes and knowing that she had found forever she put her arms around his neck and pulled him down for another kiss.  
_  
"Penny? Are you crying?" Rachel had gone out to lunch and she wasn't expected back in a while but yet there she was standing in front of her with concerning eyes.  
"No." She looked up at Rachel from where she sat on the chaise. "Alright, just a little."  
"How do you cry just a little?" Rachel asked still concerned. "What's up? Did you and Derek have a fight or something?" She shook her head and wiped the tears away.  
"No. Derek is... he's great. He's fantastic. I'm just... It's just one of those days." Her words died and Rachel stood in front of her in silence.  
"Is this about Dean?"  
"I..." She couldn't even deny it. Rachel had happened to walk in on her during her worst moment. This moment she was usually able to hide from people, no one got to see this side of her.  
"What happened Penny? What happened between you two? We have known each other for forever but you haven't told anyone, you haven't told me, your best friend, why the two of you broke up. I can see in your eyes that there's something that's still hurting you. Even after three years you're still hurting."  
She was tired of hiding everything, she was tired of not being truthful. For three years she had hid the reason for her leaving him, the reason for why she was the way she was today and why she sometimes could cry for no reason. She could still feel her heart break every time she thought of the way it ended, the way he looked at her when she said goodbye. She had lost a part of herself that day that she could never get back.  
Through her tear filled eyes she looked at her friend who stared at her. She could see in Rachel's eyes that she was concerned and scared for her friends well being. Rachel's eyes screamed 'tell me' but she tried to stay calm. She knew Rachel, she loved Rachel and she trusted her. For some reason it had seemed that she couldn't tell anyone about her pain back then and then the days had just kept piling up and then it had been impossible to tell anyone.  
"_Please Pen._" Rachel sat down next to her taking a hold of her hand. She knew that she couldn't hold it in any longer, she knew that her heart was broken enough.  
"_There's an ache in my heart._" And with that she began to tell her story.

As she listened to Penny talking tears filled her eyes and she felt a darkness surrounding her heart and it broke for her friend. No wonder she hadn't talked to anyone. During Penny's story she refrained from asking questions. She sat there with her arm around Penny's shoulders, letting her friend tell someone the one thing she had been needing to get of her chest for years.  
As Penny had reached the end of her story and she walked over to the door Rachel could see her friend looked a little easier at heart but it was still haunting her, that much she could see. As Penny reached the door she turned around to face her and Rachel's heart broke apart in a million pieces once again. She could see the fear in Penny's eyes.  
"_I don't blame you for not telling me._" Penny smiled a weak smile towards her and with a small nod she walked out the door and with that Rachel started crying for real. She cried for both Penny and Dean, she cried for the loss, she cried for her friend that had lived a cursed life for three years and she cried for her own stupidity that she hadn't seen what her friend had been going through.


	16. Cleaning out the closet

**Cleaning out the closet**

She had been walking around aimlessly but all of a sudden she was standing outside his door. What prompted her to knock she didn't know. She just needed to talk to someone and somehow she knew that he was the one to talk to. She had left Rachel sitting on the chaise in her store and she was grateful that she had told her now. It had felt so good to get all of it out, to not have to hide this from her, to be honest with her best friend. Why she somehow felt that he was the one that needed to know she couldn't explain. As she lowered her hand after knocking it dawned on her that she might be making a mistake but for some reason she couldn't move. A little voice in her head screamed 'run!' but her heart said stay.  
"Penny. Hey." He said as he opened the front door.  
"Hey Sam." She smiled but he could see that she was sad, that she had been crying.  
"Jess isn't here right now."She nodded and smiled.  
"That's okay. I actually came to talk to you." He didn't really understand why she would come to talk to him. They hadn't been that close since she broke it off with Dean even though she were friends with Jess. He showed her inside the living room where she sat down on the couch. Her hands were placed in her lap and she somehow looked small and broken.

"So what's up?" Sam asked as he placed a cup of coffee on the table in front of her. She had been sitting alone in his living room when he got the coffee ready and she had started doubting the reason for her going to talk to him.  
"How are you doing?" She tried to keep it casual even if the words she most wanted to say was burning behind her lips.  
"Good. I'm really good." He was smiling and she could see that he was happy.  
"And Jess?"  
"She's good but a little morning sickness. I don't really know why they call it morning sickness when she is sick almost all day long." He still smiled but there was something that came over him. He was worried for Jess, she thought. "So what's wrong?"  
"Is it that obvious?" She sighed as he nodded and smiled a little towards her. "I'm having a really bad day, I just wanted to talk..."  
"You okay?" He leaned forward in his seat and looked at her, concerned.  
"Yeah... I'm just... This is sort of an anniversary for me." Why couldn't she just say it? She had come this far and when she had the possibility to talk about it she hesitated.  
"An anniversary?"  
"Yeah... It's just really hard you know. This day. Dean being back in town brought it back in a bigger way this year." He looked so confused. Like he didn't know what to say.  
"What happened?" he asked and she opened her mouth but closed it again, hesitating. What was she thinking? Why had she come here? What was she hoping for? That telling Sam would somehow release her from the guilty conscience that she had lived with for three years? That talking about this with Deans best friend would somehow release her a little from the blame that was hers? But she knew that she hadn't told Rachel for nothing. It would feel better to get it of off her chest, release it from her mind again and just tell the story.  
"I found out that I was pregnant," she said silently.

_As soon as she could see the stick telling her that she was pregnant she grabbed her jacket and ran out of her apartment. The joy that filled her was a feeling she hadn't been expecting. Yes, she wanted children but this feeling had been completely surprising but yet natural to her. The one thing that she had dreamed of for so long was now becoming true.  
__She wondered why her car wasn't moving fast enough as she tried to make her way to the inn and talk to Dean. As she made the car come to a stop at a red light she saw a family walking down the street. The woman holding a hand over her gigantic belly, looking like she was ready to pop. The man walking beside her holding his arm over her shoulder and in his other hand holding their sons hand. She smiled at the image and wanted to get to Dean as soon as possible to tell him that all their dreams was coming true.  
__She parked the car on the inns parking lot and walked up to the big yellow house. For some reason her legs carried her around the house towards the back. She couldn't explain it somehow she just knew that it was 'round back that she would find Dean. As she was nearing the back she could hear Sam's voice. He had been away for a few weeks and had just now gotten back into town.  
_"_So... engaged?" She smiled and stopped dead in her tracks as she realized that they were talking about her and their engagement.  
_"_Yeah..." She heard Dean speak like he used to. One syllabic sentences but she could hear that he was smiling. She knew him from the inside out. She could even tell how he was sitting by the sound of his voice.  
_"_That's great." Sam said and she could hear him clapping Deans back.  
_"_Yeah..." Once again he was smiling, she could tell by the warmth in his voice.  
_"_Never really figured you for the married type." Sam chuckled.  
_"_Well, you know. She's... I love her. I can't imagine my life without her. She is the one." As she heard the voice coming from her lovers lips her eyes filled up with tears. She had heard him telling her that countless times but somehow it was even more real to hear him say that when he didn't know she was listening. "She wants kids you know." She smiled and touched her belly and with the realization that her stomach would blow up to more than twice her size she felt a little sick.  
_"_Yeah?"  
_"_Yeah." And she was about to walk around the corner of the house and tell him that he was about to be a father. "I've never wanted kids..." She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She was standing there listening to her fiancé telling his friend that he never wanted children when she had his child growing inside of her. It started ringing in her ears and tears started flowing as she left her spot and slowly walked back to her car._

"Oh," Sam said as Penny went silent.  
"Yeah." She felt completely empty. No feelings, no anger. Nothing. She had been so angry at Dean for leading her on like he did with his "yeah, I'll have a baby with you" but now she felt so empty.  
"What happened with the baby? Did you..." Sam gave her a chocked look as she could see him realize that she might have had an abortion.  
"No! I would never be able to do that. I had a miscarriage." A single tear fell down her cheek and she wondered if she was all cried out. Before when she had told Rachel tears had been streaming. When she had thought about it for the past years she'd cry but now she somehow couldn't get more than one tear out of her eyes. Maybe she had been right when she thought that it would make it easier after telling someone.  
"I'm sorry... I don't want to do this to you." Sam sighed and left his seat.  
"Do what?" She asked as he turned his back to her and looked out the window.  
"You never heard the end." He said, turning around to look at her and somehow she knew that her life had been changed by a misunderstanding.

"_Never really figured you for the married type." Sam chuckled as he watched his friend.  
_"_Well, you know. She's... I love her. I can't imagine my life without her. She is the one." He had always know that if someone was going to turn Dean into a man it would be Penny. What he never thought he'd see though was the dreamy look in Deans eyes.  
_"_She wants kids you know." Dean smiled as he said it and looked at his friend.  
_"_Yeah?"  
_"_Yeah." He looked out over the ocean as if he was thinking it over. "I've never wanted kids..."  
_"_Really?"  
_"_That all changed when I met her. I can't wait until we get married and have kids." He smiled and ran his hand through his hair as if it was a little embarrassing telling his friend his deepest wishes._

"What?" The tears she thought had disappeared, that she thought she couldn't cry came rushing from behind her eyelids. "He wanted kids?"  
"Yes, he wanted that and you more than he wanted anything else." She was unable to speak. She could only think of how she had screwed up. She could only think of how she had turned away the man she loved over a mistake, over a misunderstanding. She had moved on and it had been really difficult at times but she had moved on.  
"It doesn't matter now."  
"It doesn't?" Sam looked at her surprised and chocked.  
"No. I'm getting married Sam. I love Derek. I want to be with Derek but it doesn't mean that I can't feel sad about this and what happened."  
"No of course not." He slowly nodded his head.  
"I doesn't matter anymore." She whispered but somewhere deep down she knew that it meant everything. She loved Derek but she had loved Dean then and she had so many dreams of what their life together would be like. It would take some time to get over the fact that the misery she had felt after they broke up was her fault and that she couldn't blame Dean for that anymore. That was somehow even worse, it was all her fault. She could never face him again if he found out about her mistake. She could never look him in the eyes again if he knew that she had been carrying his baby and never told him.  
"Don't tell Dean." She looked at Sam giving him a firm look as if to really let it sink in and with that she walked out of Sam's house, hoping that he would do what she wanted and not tell Dean what had happened.

He didn't know what he was doing. After his talk with Penny he had promised himself that he wasn't going to tell Dean what she had told him. She had asked him to and he didn't want to break that trust. But for some reason he couldn't help himself. After she had left he jumped into his car and drove towards the inn.  
He wanted Dean to know but he couldn't explain why. He knew that if he told him what had really happened back then he would have a breakdown, probably like the one he had the other day in the bar when he had to carry him into his room and he was rambling drunkenly about Penny. He hated seeing him that way but he knew that he had a right to know but at the same time he didn't want to betray Penny's. She had come to him for a reason. She trusted him and he was about to betray that trust.  
After asking Mary where Dean was and answering the usual questions from her he walked down to the basement to talk to Dean. As he walked into the dark room it took his eyes a few seconds to get used to the dark. He could see Dean huddled over a stack of photos reviewing them with a magnifying glass. He cleared his throat to make Dean aware of his presence. He turned around and when he saw Sam he put when he was doing down.

After his drunken ramblings about Penny and how he wanted her back he felt embarrassed as he turned around to face Sam. He hadn't meant what he had said in that bar. Maybe in a drunken state he could dream of getting her back but when not under the influence of alcohol he knew that real life wasn't like that. Somewhere deep down he would always have a certain place for her but what he had said to Sam a few days ago was something he didn't like to think about. It was only about the fact that he had found the ring and it had hurt him but he had decided to put that too behind him and just let it go. Just like he had decide to do with everything else but he could see that Sam wasn't about to let it go just as easy. He had that certain expression that only he could get.  
"Hey man. I wanted to talk to you..."  
"Don't..." He held up a hand to stop Sam from continuing. "Forget what I said. At the bar I mean."  
"You remember that?" Sam seemed a little surprised that Dean remembered and he could understand why from the headache he had the morning after.  
"Yeah... But just forget it okay? It doesn't matter. Not anymore. I'm with Carrie."  
"Are you sure man?" He only nodded and he could see Sam shrugging his shoulders with a face showing relief. Maybe he wasn't the only one who didn't want to talk about it, he thought.  
After her talk with Sam she couldn't go back to the store. She didn't want to face Rachel. She had finally told her what she had been wanting to tell someone for years and then when telling Sam she was completely empty. She had never imagined that telling someone her story would leave her so utterly empty and exhausted. She was trying to not think of what Sam had told her but that was all she held in her mind.

To try and get her mind of things she opened the closet doors and started pulling out every piece of clothing she had. To organize her closet always helped but this time it didn't seem to help. She could hear Sam's voice in the back of her head. "You never heard the end." It echoed all around her and she couldn't help it. She went to lay down on top of all the clothes she had placed on the bed and tears started flowing. She didn't know how long she had been lying there but as she felt Derek creep up close to her and place his arms around her she blinked the last tears away and turned towards him.  
"So what have you've been doing today?" He smiled at little and looked down on all the clothes they were atop of.  
"Oh nothing, just cleaning out the closet."  
"I can see that." He laughed and pulled her into a hug.


	17. A kiss and a promise

**A kiss and a promise**

As the wedding grew closer the festivities of it all started piling up. The bachelor and bachelorette parties where soon approaching and all Penny could think of was the misunderstanding that had changed her life forever. Even without the breakup she would still have had the miscarriage but what had happened had changed her so completely that she thought that it was impossible for her to ever go back to that careless, fun loving girl that she had been, that she wanted to be.  
Knowing that she hadn't been able to make her own dress for the wedding as she had always dreamed she now thought it necessary to buy of the rack. When she had over the phone asked Rachel the night before to go with her she could see the way Rachel's face scrounged up when thinking about 'off the rack'. Maybe it wasn't what she had imagined but the wedding was in a week and she didn't have time to make a dress, she didn't even know how it should look, which was weird because she had always know the way her wedding dress should look but now she couldn't imagine wearing something like that. Why was something that she didn't even wanted to think about.

He wondered if he had made the right decision. He was going to be with Carrie, at least for as long as he was staying in town. For every day he stayed in town he came closer and closer to making a decision to stay but he wasn't really there yet. He had missed his hometown, he wanted to be closer to his mother and his grandmother but there were still that little problem of the memories that inhabited the town wherever he went. But the decision that he had made felt like the right one.  
Carrie was a breath of fresh air and he started to really care for her now but he had to admit that he had been avoiding her for the past week. After meeting Penny in the bar, their fight and the feelings that came with it was something that he knew that he had to work through before seeing Carrie again. Instead he had buried himself in working on the car and it was closed to finished now. It looked almost as good as new, all it needed was a new coat of paint. If only it was as easy to change his life as it was to change the appearance of the car, just a new coat of paint and everything would be fine. As she walked up to him he could see that there was something different with her. He couldn't quite put his finger on it but there was something different that's for sure.

Her heart skipped a beat as she saw him leaning against his car outside the hospital. The Impala truly was a Dean car she thought as she walked towards him trying to collect herself from the day that she had. He pulled her into a hug and kissed her softly and the anger and disappointment that she had felt for a few days somehow disappeared for a while. All she wanted was to be in his arms. Right now it didn't matter that he hadn't called her or that he hadn't taken her calls. Right now she just wanted to be held.

As they sat down at the table he took her hand. The warmth of his touch exploded in her body and she could almost forget.  
"Are you okay? You look like you've had a rough day." As he said that she could feel it all coming back. The past week had been the worst of her life.  
"I've had a rough week. It's been horrible, I've lost everyone that I've been tending to at the hospital and the only person that I've been wanting to talk to about it haven't called me and haven't taken my calls." His eyes instantly showed the guilt he felt.  
"I'm sorry." She couldn't believe that she had gotten this mad but with every word Dean said she only got more angry.  
"Sorry for what? That I've had a rough week or that you haven't called me?"  
"Both. I just... No I'm sorry... I don't have an excuse. I've just been thinking a lot and..."  
"You've been thinking? About us?" Here it is, she thought. When a man hasn't called you for a week and then calls you out of the blue asking you to lunch it could only be to have the talk, the breakup talk.  
"Yes." And here it comes, she thought but she still felt unbelievably sad "It's not what you're thinking. I've been thinking about staying. Here in Tree Hill I mean."  
"Really?" He nodded and the anger she felt was replaced with something else, a warm feelingplaced itself in her whole body. Carrie, you poor thing, she thought and realized that she had fallen in love with this man.

"I picked up another shift at the hospital so I should get back." She tilted her head and smiled and he couldn't believe how unbelievably beautiful she was.  
"Really?" He got a little disappointed since he had planned on making his disappearance up to her by spending the whole day with her, something he had been looking forward to the whole morning. "A friend of mine is going out of town with her husband so I'm helping her out but I like the whole disappointment thing." He realized that his whole body showed his disappointment but how could he not? She was so amazing.  
"Then I might be able to guilt you into going to the movies with me tomorrow?"  
"Yes I think you might be able to do that." She kissed him softly and they walked hand in hand towards his car.

The dress were now hanging in her office so that Derek wouldn't see it. She had found a dress. A dress that fitted her perfectly. A dress that anyone would die to walk down the aisle in. A dress that she should love but somehow she couldn't feel that thing that she was supposed to. She had always dreamed of making her own dress and now she had settled for

The festivities of the night would be good change of pace, she thought as she got ready. She had waved Derek off to his bachelor party an hour ago and now she was alone in their big apartment trying to pick out something to wear. What do you wear to your bachelorette party anyway, she thought as she raided he closet. This day had been filled with things to do and it was just the thing that she needed. She had almost been able to get Sam's words out of her mind. She really needed this night, she needed the mindless drinking and flirting with men for one last night before she settled down for real. Sometimes she couldn't believe that she was getting married, she couldn't believe that she was going to take that step in her life. Sometimes it scared her, but she thought that it was something all brides went to. The doubt was something everyone went through before getting married or at least she hoped so.  
She was just putting the last touches on her makeup as it knocked on the door. Let the games begin she thought and went to open the door for her friends who rushed through the door with gifts in their hands.  
"Gifts? You get gifts on your bachelorette party? I should have done this years ago!" she exclaimed but then realized what she had said and who she would have married if she had done it years ago. Rachel quickly rushed to her side, as if she knew what went through her mind.

They sat in her living room eating cake and everyone was turned to face her as she opened the gifts. Her mind was completely blank now and nothing could make her sad at this point. Maybe it was the company, maybe it was the gifts or maybe the alcohol just hit the right spot. Right now she couldn't care less. Right now her mind was fixed on her friends and the jokes and stories that were shared among them.  
Hours later she realized that the amount of alcohol that she had consumed probably wasn't the best decision that she had ever made. Her world had begun to spin uncontrollably and she felt a little sick to her stomach but she was determined to have a nice evening and decided to push the nauseating feeling out of her mind. Instead she dragged her friends out on the dance floor of Tric.

He hadn't been invited to his brothers bachelor party and who could blame Derek. Of course his friends knew of the past Dean had with Penny and Derek had most certainly told his friends about the fight that they've had over a week ago. Instead he had filled his night with Carries company and a movie. After dropping Carrie of at home he parked the car in town and walked around. Somehow life in Tree Hill wasn't a difficult anymore, he had worked through a really rough time of his life and now, here on the other side of that he felt really happy and those memories he thought would haunt him while walking the streets never appeared. Instead all he felt was the warm summer night breeze touching his face and all he could hear was the crickets singing their song.

The quiet where soon interrupted by the sound of a group of drunken girls. It sounded like they had a lot of fun, laughing so loud that he wondered why the whole street hadn't woken up. As they came closer he could hear Rachel's voice and he realized that he had somehow stumbled into Penny's bachelorette party. It didn't matter how fine he was, this wasn't something he wanted to be apart of he thought and were about to walk away but then he saw her. Instantly he knew that she had been drinking to much and he was amazed that he remembered every aspect of her that clearly even after all these years.  
"Dean!" The women exclaimed almost in unison as they made their way towards him.  
"Ladies. Everything alright?" He asked smiling while looking at the women standing on unsteady legs.  
"Everything is great!" Bevin slurred, obviously almost a drunk as Penny. "We had a great night and we danced and laughed!" She smiled and did a small pirouette, making her almost fall over but Rachel were able to grab a hold of her before she fell.  
"That's great Bevin..." He nodded and smiled at Rachel who seemed to be the only one who wasn't drunk, which was amusing to see since she wasn't the girl to stay away from alcohol. She gave him a little smile.  
"Would you mind helping Pen get home? I'd do it but I've got my hands full as you might see." She held a sturdy grip on Bevin.  
"Yeah, it's fine."

"Thanks you guys but I'm gonna get going." He shook his friends hands, thanked them for the night they had given him and started making his way home. He had planned on staying longer but he had a feeling that he couldn't shake. The longer the night had progressed the feeling had only grown bigger and no matter what he did he couldn't shake it. He trusted Penelope but he couldn't trust his brother, not after he had seen the looks he had given her ever since he came back into town.  
He knew that Dean would somehow find a way to weasel himself in again, he would somehow find a way to break them apart and he couldn't let that happen. He was terrified of loosing her, she was the one person that he couldn't see himself living without but all he had seen since his brother had rolled back into town had been him loosing her.

"I'm sorry... for what I said..." Penny stumble on the words as she tried getting them out. Alcohol always had that affect on her.  
"When?" He smiled down at her as they were walking down the street towards her apartment.  
"At the bar." That wasn't something he wanted to talk about, especially when she was drunk. That was something that he'd rather just forget.  
"It doesn't matter now. Let's just get you home and into bed okay." They kept walking down the street with their arms around each others waists. Every time he tried to letting her go she would stumble and he had to grab her again just to keep her in an upright position. It felt wrong holding her like this but he didn't really think that he had a choice. Suddenly she stopped walking and looked into his eyes.  
"It's a big step you know. Getting married." She shook her head and smiled. "It's funny 'cause I never felt that way when I was gonna marry you. What does that mean?" What did that mean? The thoughts that rushed through his mind were something that he had promised himself to never think about again. He pushed them out of the way and replaced them with thoughts of the mission he had in front of him. Putting her to bed and then going home to look through the pictures he had developed that morning.  
"I don't know Pen. I can't answer that for you."

For some reason he had thought that he would jump the fence of their little backyard, that Penelope had turned into a gorgeous floral garden, it hadn't been the best idea since he had landed in one of her rosebushes head first. But this way he could get into their apartment by the door from their bedroom and climb straight into bed with Penny who surely was home by now. The feeling he had been having the whole night was gone now and he realized how foolish he had been. He smiled when thinking of the woman of his dreams and the fact that he was going to marry her in just a week, he didn't have anything to worry about, he thought as he placed his hand on the door nob to open the door. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw what was playing out before his eyes.  
Inside, in his bedroom where Penny lying in bed, with Dean sitting on the side of the bed stroking her hair out of her face. Then Dean leaned down and kissed her, his fiancée, on the forehead and the anger that he had been able to push down came bubbling to the surface again.  
He watched as Dean tucked her into bed and then walked towards the bedroom door and walked out. He stood there for a few seconds trying to get his feelings in check and then went inside and went to bed. This was something that he had to deal with tomorrow, right now he just wanted to make sure that Penelope was okay.

The next morning Dean woke up once again in a sweat from a dream that he thought that he had left behind him. He hadn't had a nightmare in several weeks but last night and the stupid thing that he had let himself do had left a mark on his heart. Why he had leaned down and kissed her he didn't know. She looked so small and fragile lying there. As soon as he had kissed her he had regretted it and he had rushed home and buried all his thoughts in whiskey. The throbbing in his head were a testament of the amount of alcohol he had poured into his system. Jack Daniel's would probably keep a strong hold of him all day.  
"I saw you with her." Derek slammed the door behind him as he rushed into his room, making his head almost explode.  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Penelope! Do you think this is a joke? 'Cause it's not. We are getting married Dean!" He had been beating himself up enough for the kiss and this was the last thing he needed.  
"I don't need this crap. You know what, you have her now, she is marrying you, so why are you so jealous?" He was the one who was jealous, not Derek. Derek shouldn't have to be jealous.  
"You told me it was over. Just promise me that it is." His brother somehow seemed broken and he knew that he had done the wrong thing last night and he hated himself for hurting his brother like that. Even though he had been angry at his brother ever since he had found out about the relationship he didn't want to see him like this.  
"Alright." He surrendered.

As he got back to the apartment she was still in bed. He had realized from the smell on her breath he had felt when he had gotten in last night that there had been a lot of drinking. He couldn't help but wonder when Dean had stepped into the picture last night.  
"So..." He sat down on the side of the bed and watched her, trying to see how she would react to the topic that he had in mind.  
"What?" She sat up but he could see that she would much rather lie in bed and pull the covers over her head. What he couldn't see was if she wanted that because she was hungover or if she was feeling guilty.  
"Dean helped you home last night?" Still mad from his talk with Dean just a little while ago he couldn't hold the question in. He had been planning on doing this the easy way but he was to mad.  
"Yeah, he did." No reaction what so ever and he couldn't help but think if she was a good actress or if there wasn't a need for a reaction because she hadn't done anything in need of an reaction.  
"Do you love him?"  
"What?"  
"Do you love him?"  
"How dare you ask me that?" She got up from the bed and pulled her robe around her body.  
"I think the question is fair." The look she gave him was one part madness and one part disbelief.  
"Well I don't and don't you dare talk to me like that." She started walking around the bedroom. "I'm so sick of this Derek. You've been walking around here completely pissed of ever since he got back into town and I tell you that I love you and that you're the one. You punch him out and I tell you that I love you and that you're the one. If that doesn't tell you something that then I don't know what I could say to make you feel anything else. Get over it! I have!"  
"I'm sorry. I know that you love me. It's just hard to see you with him." He hated her anger, he didn't want to see her this angry and hurt but he had needed to vent and she had as usual been in the crossfire.  
"It doesn't matter. You don't get to talk to me like that."  
"I know. I'm sorry. Do you think that you could forgive me?" He took her in his arms and held her tightly, not wanting to let go.  
"Okay... but don't let it happen again." He could feel her wipe a tear away from her cheek and he held her even tighter.  
"I won't."


	18. Rehearsing a wedding

_She sat silent on the bed, where she had been sitting for the better part of the night. Whenever he had said something to her she didn't respond. If he tried touching her she pulled away. He couldn't understand what had prompted this change in her. He walked over to her to give it one last try to get her to open up.  
_"_What's wrong? You haven't said anything all night. Talk to me." He placed her hand in his but she pulled away once again. She sighed and hesitated before she started speaking.  
"I love you. I do... but I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry."_  
He woke up in a sweat but realized that it was all a dream when he could feel Penny's warmth next to him in bed. It had just been a really bad dream. He turned to hold her, to kiss her and was surprised when he saw Carrie lying next to him. The realization hit him hard. It hadn't been a dream, every second of the past three years had been real and now he realized, somehow in that moment instantly knew, that whatever he did he couldn't get over her. He would never be able to move on. He realized now that she was the only one.

He carefully got out of bed and got dressed in the bathroom to not wake Carrie. He crept past his bed where she was sound a sleep and quietly closed the door behind him. He walked down to the water, thankful that it was to early for anyone to be out there yet, so that he could be alone with his thoughts. He know knew that he had only been fooling himself since he had gotten back home. He thought that he could move on, that he could forget but when he had woken up it had been so clear to him. He would always love her. Somehow it felt liberating knowing that she had that part in him and that he had accepted that part. Somehow he knew that he could never let go of the memories they'd shared, even with everything he had done to try and forget.

Thinking of the fact that Carrie was sleeping in his bed upstairs he felt that he had done everything wrong. When he had tried to forget Penny he had dragged someone else into the story. Someone who he actually cared about even if he had realized now that he didn't care about her in the way they both wanted him to. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want her to hate him but he knew that she probably would. Though he knew now what he had to do. With even one thought of the fact that he had slept with her last night he felt guilty. He knew he shouldn't have done that but ever since he had helped Penny home that night he hadn't been able to get her out of his mind. It had been like traveling back in time and he thought that being close to Carrie would get him to get back into his own time.

He couldn't tell how long he had been sitting on the beach but when he finally emerged form his thoughts children where playing in the surf and the sun was ruthlessly shining, showing the world in a shimmering light that as usual didn't display the way he felt. He slowly walked towards his room knowing that he had to tell Carrie the truth and that she would probably despise him for it. He didn't know exactly how to tell her but he had to. It was the right thing to do, she deserved to know and quite frankly it would make him feel better, even how awful it sounded.  
As he quietly walked into his room he noticed that the bed was empty and Carrie was nowhere to be found. For a moment he was relieved that she wasn't there and instantly he got angry at himself for thinking something like that. As he aimlessly walked around the room he noticed that there were a note lying on his dresser.  
"Dean. I saw you sitting on the beach when I woke up and you looked like you could use some time on your own so I'll just talk to you tomorrow. Be safe. C."

He sat down on his bed with the note still in his hand, not knowing what to do now that she wasn't there. On his way up to his room he had planned on doing it directly, as quick as a bandaid is ripped from skin, but now with the time that he had been given to think of it he realized that this would be the shitiest thing he ever had to do.  
Now he didn't know what he was going to say when he finally saw her again. His fear was that she would never want to speak to him again, but frankly why would she want to? He had fooled himself into thinking that he was falling for her, he had fooled himself in thinking that he was able to move on when every fiber in his body screamed for Penny's presence. He was angry eith himself for not being able to let go, for not realizing when he had met Carrie that it wouldn't be that easy. He was angry with himself for leaving, he still hoped for something to change so that he could get his old life back with Penny. Even if he realized that it would never happen he wished for it now more than anything.

Tonight would be a horrible night, of that much he was pretty sure. With the recent realization of feelings he knew that seeing Penny and Derek together, happy, anticipating their life together, would probably kill him inside. But for some reason he thought that might be good. Maybe if he was dead inside he wouldn't be able to feel at all and then he'd be able to move on. He was angry with himself for letting himself falling so hard for her in the first place. He hadn't kept his guard up and now he was paying for his mistake. He hated himself for not being able to just let her go. He despised the fact that he had to tell Carrie.  
He corrected his tie and put his jacket on. He looked... like a fool. He wanted to put his jeans and boots back on instead of this black horrid suit and just go for a drive. Just go anywhere. He knew he had to go to this thing but leaving now seemed like it should be the right thing to do.  
"You okay honey?" He turned around and saw his grandmother standing in the doorway. He sighed and shrugged. Deanna walked in and closed the door behind her.  
"This is difficult for you, isn't it?" He sat down on his bed suddenly tired, exhausted in fact. She looked at him for a few seconds before she answered. She sat down, took his hand and laced their fingers together.  
"This is difficult for you and therefor it is for me to." He looked into her somehow all-knowing eyes and believed her.  
"I wished I didn't." He sighed once again. "Love her I mean."  
"I know sweetie. I wished that I didn't get to see you like this. I wish that I could protect you from this. I'm sorry that I can't." He looked at her not knowing what to say. He had done wrong, even if he didn't know what he had done, he knew that it had to have been horrible for them all. He guessed now that he deserved this somehow.  
"I did something wrong. I did something to make everything turn out this way and now I have to live with it." She looked so sad and he just wanted her to feel a little better. "I'll be fine. Don't worry about me." He got up and walked over to the mirror again. "Just try to have fun tonight instead of worrying about me." She looked a little stunned but she seemed to be content with his reply. Deanna left her seat on the bed and walked towards him. She framed his face with her hands, kissed him on the forehead and nodded.  
"You've grown. Matured. I don't know if I like it." He laughed at her unlikely comment and watched as she walked towards the door. He felt a little easier at heart now that he had gotten some of it off of his chest. The suit was still bothering him and he tugged on the collar, trying to ease his discomfort a little. Deanna started laughing.  
"Alright get it out!" He sighed and she kept on laughing. "I look ridiculous!"  
"No. You're handsome. A little uncomfortable maybe. But still handsome." She blew him a kiss and then she was gone.

Dean walked into the assembly hall with his heart somewhere around his feet. He hadn't been able to forget the dream, he hadn't been able to let go of the feeling he had experienced when he had realized that it wasn't Penny next to him in his bed but Carrie. He didn't know what he was doing there but still he was trying to keep up appearances, still he didn't want anyone to know how he wished, hoped and dreamed that she would be his again. His grandmother knew. He wasn't sure if it had been a mistake to tell her or not. He had moved between the two since their talk. Mistake or not? He knew that she would take it to her grave but still he felt uncertain.  
As he looked around the room and saw family and old friends and yet he felt like an outsider. He didn't know how to become a part of this circle of people. He didn't know how to live here when he felt now that his whole life was a lie.  
He had decided to stay. He wanted to stay with his family, he wanted to be some place where he felt home and now he just knew that this place was haunted and that he could never live in a place that held so many memories. It wasn't home anymore, not without her. In that moment he knew that he was leaving after the wedding. He wanted to leave in that instant but his word to his mother meant to much. He had made a promise to her and he would stick by that.

"Hi Dean" He tore his eyes of off Penny, where they had been almost the entire night, and turned to her best friend instead.  
"Rachel. What's up?" She tilted her head as she looked at him and then sighed as she took his hand and pulled him out on the dance floor.  
"You're not alright I can see that but will you be okay?" She whispered in his ear as they danced close.  
"I'm fine." He could see the doubt in her eyes but he knew that he could not let anyone else know what he had let his grandmother know. "I'm fine. I swear." Rachel sighed and whispered.  
"She still loves you. I know she does." He shook his head in disbelief.  
"If that's the case then why is she marrying my brother?"  
"Well... She... I don't know." Her eyes started tearing up. "I'm sorry Dean. I love you, and I love her, and I wish that you two could just be... well you..."  
"We're still us. Just not us together..." It was the truth even if it hurt more than he wanted to admit.

Someone started tapping their spoon against the crystal, more joined in and soon Derek were standing up trying to silence peoples shouting, demanding a speech.  
"Penelope. The first time I met you I was blinded by you. I knew that you were the one for me. I knew that with you in my life I would be as happy as any man could ever ask for." The rest of Derek's speech became a blur as he wasn't able to focus on the words that his brother was saying. For some reason those few sentences that he heard his brother say didn't make him mad. He just understood why his brother was blinded by her. It was the exactly same reason that she had blinded him for all these years. In that moment he couldn't feel anger towards him, in that moment he just felt sadness and bitterness.  
"I love you Penelope." He watched as his brother kissed her hand and she smiled up at him. As Penny stood up and smoothed out the creases on her dress he saw that she was trying to buy some time for her nerves. As much as it killed him he knew that she was touched by what his brother had just said and with that realization the bitterness crept up and wrapped its arms around his throat.  
"How am I supposed to respond to that?" She laughed and the whole room joined in except him. "Derek, you saved me. You came into my life in a way I didn't think possible at first and you turned everything around. You have made me so happy and I don't know where to begin to try to make you as happy." As she spoke her eyes were firmly fixed on Derek and he wished that she would only look at him for one single moment, to see those loving eyes fixed upon him. As soon as he thought this her eyes turned to Dean and the bitterness in his throat got thicker, almost choking him. "I love you and I am so grateful to you for making me the woman that I am today." Her eyes turned to Derek again and Dean wanted to break apart because for a moment it had felt like she was talking straight to him.

He had seen Derek walk out, he watched as Penny slowly walked out after him with her head low. Had she ever seemed that sad when she was with him? It seemed to him that she had been happy every moment with him, of course that wasn't the truth since she had left, but now with Derek there always seemed to be something that were standing in between her and his brother. He wondered for a moment if he was the reason. Not the insane jealousy, just her still feeling something for him. He knew that it was only a dream at this point but he couldn't help himself.  
As curiosity got the better of him he glanced around the room making sure no one would see him walking after them. Almost instantly he could hear where they were and he crept a little closer, hiding in the shadows, and there, in the dark, he realized that he had sunk lower than ever before.

"Derek!" She walked after him as he hurried down the hall and out the door. "Derek!" She knew that he could hear her but he didn't stop. "Where are you going?" She caught up with him and took a hold of his arm forcing him to stop.  
"I am not staying here that's for sure." He looked at her with an anger that she had never seen before. He somehow seemed so sad and broken. He looked like he had had enough.  
"What's wrong Derek?" She stroked his cheek as to tell him that she loved him.  
"He still loves you! And right now I'm not sure who you love."  
"Dean." She wanted to scream but instead she just stated the fact that had been tearing them apart for so long. "It's still about Dean?" He nodded and instead of looking her in the eye he looked at everything else. "How are we ever going to have a relationship that works? Can you tell me that? Because if you can't trust me or trust him then it's not going to work out between us. I think Dean is planning on staying here so you and I are going to have him in our lives whether you want to or not. He is your brother. I left him Derek. Yes, I was sad and I thought that I wouldn't be able to move on or even find love again but then you came along and you helped me in so many ways. I didn't plan to fall in love with you. It just happened. What I'm saying is that I love you and I don't want my past to ruin our future."

He saw as his brothers head slowly lowered and he rested his forehead against hers. He whispered something but he couldn't make it out. Probably "I'm sorry". They stood like that for a moment, holding each other.  
"I'm gonna go back inside. You coming?"  
"Yeah. In a minute. I just need some air."  
"I'm sorry Penelope." He kissed the palm of her hand and walked away. Not knowing what to do Dean stood there in the shadows, watching as Penny tried to calm down. He knew her well enough to know that she was furious. He gathered up courage and stepped out of the shadows and slowly walked towards her. As she heard someone moving closer she spun around and as her brain registered it was him she looked surprised.  
"Dean. What are you doing here?" He knew that she really wanted to know if he had heard what they had been talking about just now. He shrugged, not being able to deny what he had heard.  
"You okay?" She looked at him, not saying a word, just wetting her lips with her tongue and looking irresistible. He didn't want to control himself anymore, he just acted, and he took the space between them in two large steps, pulled her into his arms and placed his lips on hers. For a few second everything was right in the world and then she pulled away.

"Please tell me that was a good bye kiss?" She looked chocked and surprised by what he had just done.  
"No." He had loved the touch of her lips against his once again. Now that he had done it once he only wanted to do it again. He slowly moved closer, not thinking of anything except the fact that he could drown in those eyes looking up at him. As he pinned her up against the wall he knew that he was doing the wrong thing but he couldn't controll himself. He could feel her react first with hesitation and then her body relaxed and she started giving back. Her arms were tightly wrapped around his neck and her fingers playing with his short hair. He could feel the warmth of her breath as it met his lips and the sweet taste of her saliva as he forced the kiss to go deeper and further. Everything he had done in the past years had led him back to her, to this moment and this time he wasn't about to let her go.  
As his hands traced her back and up in her hair he could feel how she trembled and he wanted to pull her even closer to him. The kiss grew deeper and deeper and somewhere within him that fire that he hadn't felt with anyone since he was last with her was re lit and burned for every second stronger and stronger.

She placed her hands on his shoulder and pushed him away. For a moment everything was perfect but she pushed him away. Staring at him with surprise and guilt.  
"You can't do this to me! I'm getting married Dean! Are you aware of that fact? Have you noticed that we are at my rehearsal dinner?" Of course he had noticed. Did she really think that he was that oblivious?  
"Yeah! You're getting married! To my brother! How the hell do you think that makes me feel?" He knew her to well to not know what that expression in her eyes meant but he was to hurt and angry now to let that register.  
"I didn't think you..."  
"No you didn't! You didn't think!" He cut her of, screaming. "Even if I wasn't..." He didn't know what to say. He could only stand in front of her, watching her as her eyes filled with tears.  
"I'm sorry," she whispered. He shook his head, unable to actually believe that she was sorry for what she had put him through. They stood in silence for a few seconds, no one knowing what to say. Then every thought he had ever thought came bubbling up inside him.  
"You know. It's interesting though, how you walked from one to the other. First me, then him. Was that the plan all along? Break my heart and then move on to the brother? Classy."  
"Go to hell!"  
"Already been there sweetheart." A few more moments passed without saying a word until he turned his heel and walked away with his anger still simmering beneath.

Her lips were still burning from the kiss and she could still feel his body, warm and tempting up against hers. Her heart pounded, her knees were weak and she felt a little dizzy. He still had that power over her whole being. The way he affected her wasn't healty. She knew that now. She watched as the former love of her life walked away from her and she felt something inside her die. She hadn't ever let herself realize how much she had actually hurt him. For her own selfprecervation she had told herself that it was for the best, that he hadn't reacted to the end of them as strongly as she had. Somehow it had been her lifeline in that moment and in the months to follow to think like that. But now as she watched him walk away she knew that she had essentially ripped his heart out as she had her own and the realisation of that made her body ache and shake and she covered her face in her hands and wept.


End file.
